To tell him I know she's there

[tailgate]

I've been seeing a guy non exclusively for a couple of years. It's not exclusive because I moved away shortly after we met. We really liked each other but didn't want long distance, but I go back a couple of times a year to see my family for a couple of months at a time and we enjoy time together then.

I've never been particularly bothered who else he sees. I date around too. But we recently had a falling out over one woman he was seeing (I'd prefer not to disclose why).

He had a big family wedding this week and was walking his niece down the aisle so it's huge for him. We'd both been messaging about how much we wished I could've been there with him.

I was pretty shocked to check Instagram yesterday and find he'd taken this particular woman as a date to the wedding! It's the other side of the U.K. too, so they've had to travel there together.

I was then even more shocked to find that a couple of hours after I saw it, he'd blocked me from his Instagram stories. I knew this instantly because he posts all the time and I knew photos from the wedding would be there, but there was nothing, We've also got heaps of mutual friends who could see his pictures and confirmed there were loads of stories uploaded of the wedding and if he and her.

Part of me thinks he's been almost considerate in blocking me from seeing them, as he knows it'd hurt my feelings. The other part of me thinks it's just gross fuckboy behaviour.

He's just sent me a lovely message to say the wedding went well and he really wished I'd been there, and asking how my week's been, etc. obviously hasn't mentioned her travelling to the wedding with him.

I'm a bit torn on how to answer, I'm not angry that he's taken another date. We aren't exclusive and he has every right. It's a bit annoying that it's the one women that we've argued about, but again, he's within his rights and I can't fault him for that.

However, am really unsure how to answer his message. It seems ridiculous to pretend I haven't seen the story. He knows I have. It's even more ridiculous to pretend I haven't noticed he'd blocked me from his stories.

I can't even work out what the right tone is here and what to say.

Some friends think ignore it and message him back as cheerful as always and not mention it. Others say be transparent and bring it up, but not angry. One friend thinks I should lose my shit!

God there are some fucking horrible replies on this thread along with a big misogynistic assumption that women always want more 🙄 I remember having a very successful FWB situation when I was younger (and I’m Gen X by the way), but some people here seem to forget the friends part in FWB in their need to paint women as crazy stalkers. To me it seems OP feels disrespected by this friend, simple as that.

OP, my advice is to work out what you want from him/this situation. Be honest with yourself, and if it is more, that’s perfectly fine, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. If not though, you need to decide if you are happy to carry on this arrangement, or depending on his situation with this other woman, you might feel you no longer want part of it. Once you know how you feel though, it will be easier to work out how to proceed. To me it sounds like maybe you just want him to be open and honest with you? If that’s the case, tell him.

Sorry, not misogynistic just because I think your choosy choice feminism is bad for most women.

Bully for you if you liked a fwb relationship. Op obviously doesn't want that, hence her reaction to her fwb clearly taking a serious date to a wedding.

Well said.

OP, how have you left things with him?

Are you going to see him again?

Thank you SO much for this. I've been struggling to articulate my thoughts on these responses, and I know I take some responsibility because I didn't share all the info.

I genuinely don't harbour any deep feelings for this man. If anything, he seems much more bothered than me. To be honest, I wouldn't even have thought about his reaction to an Instagram story with another man. I'd never think to block him.

The real dilemma was whether to address the elephant in the room, and how to do so.

With regards to this woman, she never did anything to me. She just happened to be "on the scene" during the one and only argument he and I have ever had, and thus came up in conversation. And the wedding occurred two days later, which is why her presence at the wedding was relevant (rightly of wrongly).

I haven't responded to him because I don't have loads to say. I have no way of knowing whether he's being genuine but I also don't really have strong feelings on it either way.

You'll have to just trust me thus if I were not reluctant to give the full picture, this would ring more true!

Reading his last message, it sounds like he likes you a lot but knows it's not going to go further. At least you asked and cleared the air with him. It sounds like one of those things that might go on until one of you meets someone locally.

Op the issue isn’t you won’t give full detail on what it is about this woman. It is you keep changing your story. You start off my telling us you argued about this woman, that by blocking you it was almost considerate as he knew how hurt you’d be, how angry you were about how he took this woman. And moved it to you’re not bothered, and would be happy for them.

Thanks @Lampslights, I thought I'd miscomprehended.

Something doesn't make sense to me.

How I'm reading it is two days prior to the wedding OP and the FWB had their first/only argument.

During the argument the Wedding Guest was mentioned.

Initially, OP stated she had a specific issue with WG, and was unconcerned as to whom FWB took to the wedding..

Now we're told OP has no specific issue with WG - who we're now also told was only mentioned because she happened to be 'on the scene' at the time of the argument.

Not sure what 'on the scene' means in this context i.e. Was known to be dating? Was known to be attending the wedding?

Not sure who OP is attempting to gaslight here, us or herself.

You not in an exclusive relationship so he and you can do what you want. Don't understand why you have an issue with this woman. Just sounds like a strange situation all round. Id take a step back and get on with my life. He has his life, you have yours...you not together.

Shifting sands over the course of the thread

Then just say exactly this OP, sounds sensible and straightforward.
I’ve been in a FWB situation before and I obviously had more feelings than him and I remember how much it sucks to realise that and feel hurt about him seeing other people yet have to pretend to be cool about it.

Oh look, the non exclusive gets annoyed when she gets dumped, tale as old as time 😂 "we won't catch feelings"

I was a teacher and missed out on stuff because of ridiculous rules. Next time read your absence policy and complete a leave of absence form if you want to attend something. I missed family weddings etc as I needed to travel on a Friday to get there on time.

don’t miss out on stuff as schools just take take take. They don’t pay you for all the unpaid overtime you do or helping out at the school fair.

OP, you've completely misrepresented the situation in your initial posts.

You should have been upfront and said that this woman's only crime was that she witnessed an argument between you and Instaboy 2 days before the wedding and you actually thought that was reason enough for him to ruin his arrangements to take this woman to the wedding.

How selfish are you to expect him to find another companion TWO days before the wedding?

I can't believe I defended you on this thread. If you had just been honest, the thread would have had 50 posts, not 500+ posts.

You've wasted lots of people's time.

Is that what this is? The woman simply happened to be there?

christ, what a ludicrous way to behave. All this drama, I am not willing to say what the issue is with the woman, then changing of the story. From being hurt and angry to “not bovvered” The weird friend saying she should lose her shit.

utterly ridiculous if this is what it is.

Yes, the grand reveal was "With regards to this woman, she never did anything to me. She just happened to be "on the scene" during the one and only argument he and I have ever had, and thus came up in conversation. And the wedding occurred two days later, which is why her presence at the wedding was relevant (rightly of wrongly)."

Utterly ridiculous is right.

It's only a matter of time before he becomes serious with this woman, or another woman who is able to commit to a regular longterm
relationship.
You have agreed to be a friend with benefits, this is obviously a temporary convenient situation for him, but it doesn't have legs long term. At some point you will no doubt be ditched. He has no commitment to you and you with him.
He probably didn't tell you/allow Instagram pics to save your feelings a bit, but ultimately his actions show he had a lovely day with another woman.
I'd save yourself the heartache, it's clear to see where this is all heading....

But this situation will only ever make you look like an idiot. Sorry, but it will.

You have this idea that you’d be special and an item if
you were still living there.

this episode with the wedding has shown you that you’re not special to him, you’re not an item, but just a fuck on the side. That’s why you’re hurt.

why would you just accept scraps? It’s getting in the way of you having a relationship. Clear up this confusion and end it. Be your own best friend and tell yourself you deserve more than this.

yes he was inconsiderate, but you’re not a priority to him. And what’s that saying? “never make someone a priority for whom you are merely an option”

Do you want HIM to have the opportunity to either lie to your face or tell you that you’re not important to him?

ffs woman, where is your self esteem?

IF you say I anything, it’s “glad to see you had a good weekend. Wish you all the best, but I think it’s best I leave you and x to it. Don’t contact me again”

@tailgate - it sounds like you and he had a very sensible and useful discussion which was the right thing to do. No game-playing, no pretending to be the cool girl - just an honest discussion of feelings. This has given you the clarity you need. It does sound as if your situationship is keeping you both stuck - particularly him - and you might be better able to move on if you call it a day.

I don't think 'on the scene' means she was there and witnessed the argument, I think it just means he knew her/she was 'in the picture'

Yes I do agree OP. Ultimately it doesn’t much matter to us one jot; we are only bothering to reply because you reached out for advice, which we’ve tried to give.

There’s nothing to be gained from managing or duping us or yourself as to how things come across. You are free to do exactly as you wish; we are just being honest as to what we feel, namely that you are trying to avoid looking straight on at the fact that this arrangement is a hiding to nothing for you. I can’t see why that is misogynistic etc. Its just honest appraisal designed to limit the sting of letting it limp on.

That makes even less sense.

Are you saying he met her two days before the wedding and invited her to the wedding?

And as far as the blocking you goes, I don’t agree with the “ sparing your feelings” business . He blocked because he either (or both) wanted to keep you sweet for next time or couldn’t be arsed with histrionics. None of this shows respect for you and I don’t think it’s misogynistic to say so. If you think about it this can only go two ways from here: either he reaches out again for his “ benefits” after blocking you; or he is the first to say actually this isn’t working/ I’m in a serious relationship now. If I were you, at this stage I’d rather take those bull’s horns in my own hands.

I don't think it makes less sense, OP said "She just happened to be "on the scene" during the one and only argument he and I have ever had, and thus came up in conversation". Came up in conversation, so not like she was standing gawping. I'm no clearer than you are on what happened, I never said he met her two days before the wedding. Just that he knew her two days before the wedding when he and OP argued.

From this post alone, OP, it's clear you are not being at all honest with yourself. You insist you have no deep feelings - you say it several times - but the whole incident troubled you enough to start a thread about it on here and discuss the entire thing at length, and something in it is so sensitive for you that you won't tell us what it is (there's no way it's because it's an outing detail after what we do know, unless you've changed something truly enormous in which case the extra detail shouldn't be outing).

The only advice I think I can give is the old adage to know yourself, and then be true to yourself. One way or another, this arrangement isn't working for you.