To tell him I know she's there

[tailgate]

I've been seeing a guy non exclusively for a couple of years. It's not exclusive because I moved away shortly after we met. We really liked each other but didn't want long distance, but I go back a couple of times a year to see my family for a couple of months at a time and we enjoy time together then.

I've never been particularly bothered who else he sees. I date around too. But we recently had a falling out over one woman he was seeing (I'd prefer not to disclose why).

He had a big family wedding this week and was walking his niece down the aisle so it's huge for him. We'd both been messaging about how much we wished I could've been there with him.

I was pretty shocked to check Instagram yesterday and find he'd taken this particular woman as a date to the wedding! It's the other side of the U.K. too, so they've had to travel there together.

I was then even more shocked to find that a couple of hours after I saw it, he'd blocked me from his Instagram stories. I knew this instantly because he posts all the time and I knew photos from the wedding would be there, but there was nothing, We've also got heaps of mutual friends who could see his pictures and confirmed there were loads of stories uploaded of the wedding and if he and her.

Part of me thinks he's been almost considerate in blocking me from seeing them, as he knows it'd hurt my feelings. The other part of me thinks it's just gross fuckboy behaviour.

He's just sent me a lovely message to say the wedding went well and he really wished I'd been there, and asking how my week's been, etc. obviously hasn't mentioned her travelling to the wedding with him.

I'm a bit torn on how to answer, I'm not angry that he's taken another date. We aren't exclusive and he has every right. It's a bit annoying that it's the one women that we've argued about, but again, he's within his rights and I can't fault him for that.

However, am really unsure how to answer his message. It seems ridiculous to pretend I haven't seen the story. He knows I have. It's even more ridiculous to pretend I haven't noticed he'd blocked me from his stories.

I can't even work out what the right tone is here and what to say.

Some friends think ignore it and message him back as cheerful as always and not mention it. Others say be transparent and bring it up, but not angry. One friend thinks I should lose my shit!

It sounds like this is a huge pretence of a relationship, that neither of you is willing to put any commitment into.

You both just keep each other on stand-by for the odd fling.

Sooner or later one of you is going to want to proper relationship - it just sounds like he's heading to that stage first - and you're a bit miffed that people are looking at her as his most significant other.

It's hugely important that he's taking her to an event that's emotionally meaningful to him.

If you have future aims to be with him - not sure why you didn't move heaven and earth to join him for the wedding.

But you didn't.

He blocked you and therefore has made a decision which woman he wants - there is your answer. Unless of course you are being controlled - only you know that answer. If you continue the relationship that is on you.

Personally, I think if it's causing you this much headspace then it is simply too much emotional investment and time wasted on a relationship that is meant to be a bit of fun.

It's clearly reasonably serious with this other woman if he took her to a family wedding. People don't take casual dates to weddings in my experience. She'll have been on the guest list, would have had to be specifically invited by the bride and groom. It's a family event so there's a level of intimacy there.

Because of that, and the fact he's simultaneously messaging you wishing you were there...... he's a fuckboy. Blocking you from seeing his IG stories is ridiculously childish.

I say bin this one. He has the emotional maturity of a dishcloth.

I'm absolutely certain. Not from his whole profile. Just his stories. My friends can all still see them.

If she blocked you for whatever reason you still wouldn't be able to see his story if she was in it. Obviously if the stories don't involve her that wouldn't be relevant, but if they did it's worth considering as a possibility when you talk to him about it.

I think I'd just be honest. You say you feel as if that's what you really want to do, so that's the approach you should take.

I would say something like "let's be real here, we both know that I saw your IG stories showing the wedding. I was a bit taken aback when I saw that you'd taken X, because of the things you were saying to me about wishing I was there. Given the magnitude of the occasion, I'm going to assume that things are a bit more serious with X than I realised. It feels a bit disrespectful to her for me to be exchanging those types of messages with you when she's been there with you, and I don't feel comfortable with that. So I think we should step back and just be platonic friends, unless things change in the future."

That's what I would do anyway - gracefully step away.

Why are you so involved in what he does

he may have liked you there but who he chooses to spend time with is down to him

i know you are not going to explain the reason you do not like this woman but he does and he cba with having another argument about her so isn’t going to mention her

if this is disrespectful towards you then that tells you something he doesn’t care enough

and that should be your answer

It's the fact that you've spoken about this woman and he knows that it annoys you that matters

That would make sense in a committed relationship not a friends with benefits relationship where they both agree to see and sleep with other people no questions asked.

You can't be in such a relationship then start going on about how he doesn't care for her, that's the whole point of friends with benefits relationships.

How is he stringing her along???? They are in a friends with benefits relationship where they agreed to see and sleep with other people no questions asked. If OP was hoping that would lead to a happy marriage then she needs to get her head checked out.

If she is now deciding to get into an exclusive committed relationship she should have that conversation and if he is not interested she leaves him and moves on but sorry he is NOT stinging her along. She said she was happy with the non committed relationship and it worked for her so how has that translated to him stringing her along?

Don't forget that she has no problem with him sleeping with other women, her issue is she has some beef with this particular woman.

I'm sorry but if I'm in a friends with benefits relationship and we've agreed we can do what we want no questions asked, you can't pick and choose who I sleep with during our off season.

It sounds like you want a lot more from this relationship given you've now roped in your friends to check his stories etc.

If you want an exclusive relationship with him have that conversation but sorry you don't get to choose who he sees if you want to remain in the relationship based on the current agreement.

This!

But he isn’t being honest is he? Or he wouldn’t be hiding pictures etc from her. Friend with benefits is casual and they don’t seem to be casual he shouldn’t need to hide anything. He is deliberately trying to stop her seeing what he is up to with the woman she doesn’t like . To not hurt her feelings maybe but he is obviously not that into her. Also to spare himself the grief Friend with benefits don’t get to call the shots I agree but putting her straight would be more honest

I think the relationship is “don’t ask, don’t tell”, which means “let it not come to my knowledge”, and a little bit different from no questions asked.

Notwithstanding all of that, OP is still allowed to step away because this hurts, and to unilaterally decide whether it changes her opinion of him.
Just because you think he is well within his rights to do what he did, and to act the hard done by innocent if she might raise it. She is also allowed to come to the conclusion that he, and those of his ilk, are just cunts. That’s how it works.

She’s not entitled to know. It’s none of her business who he sees. They are not in a relationship. She doesn’t get to dictate to him. And she’s not entitled to see his pics of them together.

I agree she’s more into him than he is her.for him it’s clearly an occasional shag, for the op it’s way more.

i don’t understand how she doesn’t like the woman though, she won’t tell us, she just says she’s never even met her, and she’s not her worst enemy. But keeps telling us it isn’t jealousy.

its irrelevant, he’s single and can see who he wishes, and he doesn’t owe her any form of explanation on that.

Does he owe her basic civility and respect?

”She’s not entitled to see his pics” is laughable. If he puts them on Instagram where their mutual friends will see, he doesn’t get to be prickly when she is shown them. 13 year olds know that!

She has seen them, she is upset, she does get to write him off as a bit of a shit, even without your approval.

There must be a reason why OP doesn’t like the woman. Either it’s from what the man is telling her about the woman or else maybe OP has heard about her.

It also seems to me as though OP is a bit caught up in this drama and is loving it, being caught in the middle.

Mosf of us would cut our losses and leave it.

Is this the same man who has her driving licence or is this another thread?

Of course OP has seen them but I don’t think he’s done anything wrong as they’re not in a relationship and it’s casual.

I think OP is more invested in this than she cares to let on hence her reaction to Instagram blocking and he’s just a game player. Of course OP is entitled to be angry to a degree though if he’s been duplicitous.

He’s probably keeping his life compartmentalized. He doesn’t want to talk to you about his other interests and why should he? You also have a right to your privacy. Don’t overthink it; just enjoy your time together until you both change the relationship.

@Justbrowsing2024 couldn't have said it better! Totally agree.

Just send a text asking him to post your license via registered mail because you don’t feel comfortable being without it and you don’t want to risk not having it.

If the tow was only two days before the wedding it’s highly likely he had already asked her by then and couldn’t I ask. He was put in an awkward position then following your row and seemingly wasn’t sure how to handle it.

To me this feels like it’s less intentional than him inviting her after your row and I have more sympathy with him thinking shit what do I do here and blocking you.

I would be honest and recognise that you know she was there and you understand why he was in an uncomfortable position but that it feels like he was being deceitful and it’s annoyed you.

It's highly likely he didn't want to unask her!

Why has he even got your driving licence, he doesn't need it and it's just an excuse to see him again. Is all this headache worth it, don't overthink it or delude yourself if he tells you that you are the special one. One day you'll look back and wonder why you put yourself through so much grief just for a quick shag twice a year.

He wasn’t prickly. What are you talking about. He has been nothing but pleasant. He is being civil and respectful. But that doesn’t mean he has to date or not date who she dictates. That’s far from on.

i also have no idea what you’re on about about my approval. Odd comment, but I don’t see how he’s a piece of shit as he’s dating women when he’s single.

BTW when did you last sleep with him OP?

I hope you don’t continue sleeping with him just to piss off the woman you don’t like.

That would just feed the man’s ego even more and have the situation exactly as he wants it.

And why is your licence at his house? Did you ‘forget’ it at his place to keep the door open? Even subconsciously? I remember playing that game with someone I really liked but the feelings were not reciprocated.

Did he ask you to the wedding? It’s irrelevant whether you’d have gone or not. Did he actually invite you outright?

I don’t think he did. He doesn’t see you as more than a FWB. For your sake and to
prevent further hurt. complete the lost licence form and leave this guy alone.