Giving son £600 a month

[Krosem]

DH and I are in our 50s, we only have one child, we are mortgage free, DH is a supervisor for a HA repairs department, doesn't want to step down or leave. I work as a receptionist part time having stepped down from my previously more stressful job.
We bring home a little over £4000 a month, our outgoings are low, we don't holiday abroad much anymore and if we do it's not very expensive as we aren't restricted by school holidays.

Our son is 28, he has 3 children and a wife. They both work but aren't high earners. I provide some childcare , we take them on holiday once a year. We try really hard not to step on their toes, with the kids are they are fantastic parents.
Last year we paid for their wedding entirely, they didn't ask, we insisted and they were very grateful, I kept out of planning unless asked as it was there day.
The year before we gave them money for furniture and home decor.

DH and I have a lot left each month, sure we can save it and what have you, pensions etc. but I hate knowing my son is struggling a bit while we are cruising. DH suggested we pay for their car and the most expensive kids hobby. This will probably be £600 a month, we'd just set up the direct debit for the kids in our name and probably pay the car via them.
We are just worried this might seem a bit intrusive.

Is this a bad idea or should we do it?

I haven't read the entire thread so someone else might have already suggested this but my MIL pays for our two kids' new school uniforms at the start of every academic year and that is a HUGE help to us.

You can't take it with you, they are your family. You and your husband have worked hard for a very long time, if you can spend that on improving the lives of your son and grand children then what's the point! I'm sure it won't be forever, your son is still young and they have a young family, hopefully they'll be more self sufficient in years to come.

@ColBoulter
C'mon you were having a dig with the 'unfilled need to protect our adult children from having to experience any type of mild discomfort

That was a little snippy comment suggesting people who help their kids are doing it to baby them.

In reality it's perfectly normal to give money to adult kids even when they don't need it. We do. My kids have good jobs and own their own homes etc but I still much rather give them
Cash than pay inheritance tax. It's got NOTHING to do with any unfilled needs of mine!

My grandparents were much better off than my barely managing financially parents
They used to pay for most of the extras so holidays, music lessons, pocket money for us as children, non school uniform shoes and clothes, they also helped with unexpected bills eg car repairs, new washing machine
We were all more than grateful and my GP always used to say we would rather see you enjoying and benefitting from extra money now than when we are gone
They both died by the time I was 21 and didn’t have much in savings as they preferred to share what they had, as an only child DM did inherit their property though and I got all my GM jewellery
Very happy memories

That is if you are claiming tax relief from it. If they are gifting it after already paying tax on it, and not claiming relief on it, they can gift as much as they want

I think helping is lovely but I have a few thoughts. Is your son your only child? If he has siblings, you need to think about them too.
Three children is their option-yes they are your much beloved grandchildren...
A word of caution. My mum, now 93 has burned through all my parents' savings as she needed care from the age of about 85. About £250 000 in assets and cash plus about £200 000 in pensions. You may need substantial savings later.
It's lovely that you can help your son and his family and I don't intend to be mean. just a word of caution.
Fully expecting to be flamed for this answer.

Just read the original post again-my fault. OP has one son.

I stand by my comment, it's enabling the DS and treating him as a child

If you actually read my post rather than overeacting you will see that I also gifted my DC house deposits and pay for occasional treats.
Also no need to shout

@CelesteCunningham it appears to me the op is very happy with her modest life. And good for her. Her joy is derived from a happy family and spending time with them, it seems. So, if she can make them happy by helping them why not?

And why is her son living beyond his means? She clearly states he pays for everything, she just wants to take a bit of pressure off.

54 is not very young to be a grandparent. The average age is now 50 (so with lots in their 40s and lots older), so she is above average age.

Yeah I know the 'average' but most of my friends are /were in their mid 60s.
They became parents in their early 30s, and their children waited till they were early 30s before having children. This is quite the norm now where people go to uni and get established in a career first.

Our FA told us we need to keep aside £200K for care home fees to avoid selling our house.

I would completely agree with your first paragraph if I were convinced that OP already had significant retirement savings in case the shit hits the fan but I'm not convinced she does. And aside from the stress on OP and her husband, that's also going to be hugely stressful for her son as an only child who discovers his elderly parents perhaps aren't as comfortable as he thought.

The DS isn't a high earner and his wife works three days. They're struggling as it is, but go on multiple holidays and have an expensive car. If OP fell ill tomorrow they would struggle to pay for childcare. That's not living within their means to me.

I wonder if OP and the son have ever sat down and worked out the cost of three days at nursery for three DC? OP is already saving them thousands upon thousands a year and doubtless being a huge help practically as well. She's already hugely, hugely generous, she doesn't need to compromise her own elder care to give more.

The fact the OP even came here to ask a question shows she has doubts.
It's only since she got some negative replies that she's become defensive and justified what she does for her son.

I don’t think it’s necessarily jealousy, my take on it is that it seems a waste for that money to get swallowed by unnecessary bills because the family aren’t very good at budgeting to their means..

if they are struggling it may be the case that they will never be able to afford to send their kids to uni, or help them with a deposit on a house or buy a car, to me it would be more useful to save that money for something their parents will never be able to afford, rather then take the pressure off their bills when they aren’t making very sensible decisions.

in the meantime holidays and experiences can still be paid for, but their bills should be theirs to manage themselves IMO.

I think for me if my parents were willing to gift money it would be lovely, however perhaps if they are able to overpay their mortgage you could give them a lump sum each year towards that which would drop their mortgage down quickly?

I'd pay for something specific for them, like the car or overpaying the mortgage with a set timeline.
That way there's a point at which you can review and decide what you want to do at another point. Doesn't set the expectations too high for too long, means they can plan.

So, not sure where I have positioned OP’s generosity against ‘being mean’ (and how is it mean not to offer something that has not even been asked for?). The OP has very clearly explained that this would have no impact on her/DH's own finances or quality of life and, as MANY others have stated, young people raising children now, with CoL crisis, have ridiculously high childcare, utility and rent/mortgage costs that OP’s generation did not.

‘Standing on your own two feet’ is what they are doing - two parents working hard in FT jobs, raising her grandkids, who have NOT asked for anything. This is an unsolicited gift from parents who can afford it and who want to make life for their DS and DGCs a little easier.

She has clearly stated that she has done the financial plan and worked out what she can afford to give them.

Frankly, if she is not using the money now and is simply ‘saving it up’ with a view to the government forcing her to spend a large part of it on care in old age or the taxman taking a chunk upon death, then why not help them now? I am definitely of the view that you help your kids while alive rather than watch them struggle, get into debt, pay financial institutions a load of interest and then wait for you to die in the hope that there will be a little something left over to make a dent in that debt. But that’s just me.

TBH I don't want my DC to have kids. It looks likely that at least one will be unable to fund them, and I have no interest in funding multiple generations. I am fine with not being a grandparent.

AND I come from a culture where intergenerational living and funding is the done thing. I don't want to do it myself though.

hi OP, this may not be your experience at all so please disregard if there's nothing in it for you.

my ILs are lovely and would like to do the same as you. They are wealthy and have offered us lots of money. At the beginning, I felt really weird about it but my husband said that has always been the dynamic, it's how they show love and his mum loves feeling helpful and useful.

it really isn't healthy though, I ended up feeling like we couldn't say no to anything they offered or wanted to do because of how good they've been to us. Even though no one suggests it, the feeling is that we owe them.

they want us to go on hol with them every year, they pay for it and we have to come up with a 'good enough' I.e if we can't do it in June, when can we? If the place doesn't suit toddlers, what will?
they want to pay for kids activities, health insurance, education - of course that's lovely but it feels controlling and like they know what's best, like they want that for our kids and will make it happen.

we suggest they spend the money on themselves, enjoy themselves - we have never asked for money - but they insist they want to spend it on us and 'see us happy' but our family being their only enjoyment is smothering.

there's also the infantilisation of my husband and, in a broader sense, us as a family. Yes it's true that we can't pay for the luxuries all the time but we're grown ups who can do without like everyone else.

the 'I can't bear to see you struggle' is actually about my mil not being able to tolerate that feeling not about us.

as a DIL I would also be annoyed if my ILs assumed they knew how money should be spent in my family. If they are not asking for money, your assumption that they need it is insulting. The lifestyle that you think they want may not be what they want.

the reason I say this is because of your sister saying the word 'intrusive' and that landing with you.

it sounds like you are lovely and love your son and his family, you already do so much - you're of value without the money.

can you put the money aside anyway?

can you tell your son that you trust and know that he is able to take care of his family without your financial help and that you won't assume to know what he needs but he can always ask.

i know i sound ungrateful, i am grateful and i love my ILs but i wish they weren't so transactional. I tell them we love them not what they do for us - sometimes though it really annoys me how intrusive they are and how much they think they can control and suggest because they have given us so
much

Excellent idea

The average age to become a grandparent in the U.K. is early 60’s.

I'm obviously not a financial advisor but if you want a choice in later life, I don't think that's enough. A reasonable care home now is between £5-6000 pm so £200K buys a little less than three years of care at today's prices. You do have your house though.

@BusyMummy001
It was a the comment regarding anyone giving Op sensible advice is" judgemental"

The idea that Op should give over money to fund fripperies for her son rather than look ahead and save for her own care is utterly disgusting
Do you have any idea of the state of Social Care currently?
It's dire, absolutely dire.
Unless Op is a self funder the choices are dreadful, zero choice.

Ops house is worth 150K that's peanuts in terms of Care provision.
The taxman wont be involved -a tiny proportion of people pay IHT

Old age comes at a cost
Care, increased heating, the need for services if you can't decorate or garden yourself, food provision services ( before anyone says their DM lived to 106 and was running marathons my DM was 90 )
Once Op is retired her pension and savings will be it.
No one has said don't help them

Just put your self first and review it yearly

Give them a lump sum to pay off mortgage each year?