Giving son £600 a month

[Krosem]

DH and I are in our 50s, we only have one child, we are mortgage free, DH is a supervisor for a HA repairs department, doesn't want to step down or leave. I work as a receptionist part time having stepped down from my previously more stressful job.
We bring home a little over £4000 a month, our outgoings are low, we don't holiday abroad much anymore and if we do it's not very expensive as we aren't restricted by school holidays.

Our son is 28, he has 3 children and a wife. They both work but aren't high earners. I provide some childcare , we take them on holiday once a year. We try really hard not to step on their toes, with the kids are they are fantastic parents.
Last year we paid for their wedding entirely, they didn't ask, we insisted and they were very grateful, I kept out of planning unless asked as it was there day.
The year before we gave them money for furniture and home decor.

DH and I have a lot left each month, sure we can save it and what have you, pensions etc. but I hate knowing my son is struggling a bit while we are cruising. DH suggested we pay for their car and the most expensive kids hobby. This will probably be £600 a month, we'd just set up the direct debit for the kids in our name and probably pay the car via them.
We are just worried this might seem a bit intrusive.

Is this a bad idea or should we do it?

I send my son £500 a month; for him it is the difference between working hard just to pay rent and bills and affording a social life.

His rent for a room in a shared house in London is almost as much as my mortgage yet I earn x2.5 more than him so I’m happy to help. He saves what he can but it is short term savings for holidays, which I consider budgeting not saving.
When I was 25 I didn’t have pension or student loan payments, which he is paying and my first mortgage aged 27 was £28k, which is unimaginable now.
We had some very lean years when he was growing up but having turned that around I’m happy to help with his cost of living and he is very grateful.

You sound lovely! I genuinely wish more people would do this, instead of Sitting on hundreds of thousands. Imagine knowing you could help your family live a comfortable life and not doing it.

Also, it's not just you son you're helping here. By freeing up some I come, they Will likely be spending it in their local community, so it spreads the joy.

Your son is very lucky, and I hope he has the good grace to do the same for his kids when the time comes.

Hmm. It's generous of you but we wouldn't have done that. We funded rent at uni for 2 DCs at the same time for 7 years (which was more than our own mortgage) but once they left and were living in rented flats (yes, London, too) the funding stopped.

Holidays etc are not essential, and TBH my opinion is he should accept these lean years and carry on growing his career.

I appreciate that the outgoings are higher BUT when I met my DH he was just buying his own small house and although he was a graduate earning a graduate income, he was only 28 . He had to choose between filling his (old) car with fuel, or going out for a pint with his mates.

Our kids know we are always there if the shit hits the fan and we have their backs, but we don't and never would fund holidays etc.

I am going to be taking my own mum into my home when she gets older to take care of her- already making plans for that-but my DC are definitely not going to be taking care of me. So I am going to have to be a mean, tightfisted parent and squirrel a lot away for my own health care.
I don't see another option. Perhaps they may mutter resentfully about me not funding their DC's hobbies, but it's that or they take care of me. Goes both ways.

I think if I had that much spare and not miss it I'd just transfer the cash each month and leave it up to them where the money goes that month , maybe hobbies, shopping , outings or shoes .
That way you're not specifying where the money has to go and it doesn't feel like they're frittering it away especially if you've said it needs to go towards childcare for example .

You sound like really lovely parents/grandparents. Wish more people were so supportive of their children - and not judgmental of those that are like you!

I suspect your DS and his family would be very appreciative of your support in this instance, especially as it sounds as though you are not in the least bit intrusive. Your DiL is very lucky to have you. (I have the best PiLs too 😍, there are more of you lovely people out there than MN would have you believe.)

I am alarmed by the way "best" and "lovely" is defined on MN as giving your kids huge amounts of money, tbh, and "mean" is applied to any parent who wants their DC to stand on their own feet.

I would also mention the childcare which is worth a lot, but OP says she enjoys it which I can understand.

@DiddlySquatSquat

Your post is really snide with unpleasant digs at the OP. Did you intend it to sound like that?

You accuse the OP of being controlling because she wants to give her kid money so he can "have a lifestyle you think he should, rather than by his own efforts." and then in the very next paragraph say you helped your own kids out with house deposits. What's the difference?

So nice to read a story on here that warms your cockles! Xxx

I can’t understand anyone being offended by being offered money …. bring it on 🤣

It's possible to be a kind , supportive parent without making unwise financial decisions based on our own unfilled need to protect our adult children from having to experience any type of mild discomfort.

It's as toxic as abandoning them

It's not give money vs be a horrible mean person
MN is always polarised in this way to the two extremes

Sort out a sensible financial plan then consider what lump sums you can afford to give them
Allow him to be an adult, he's not just your son Op

‘I'm not worried about my pension’ isn't financial planning

How do you know that Op hasn’t done any financial planning? Not everyone needs a FA!

Op has never mentioned that she has ‘little capital’ as one poster stated! She has never mentioned how much capital she has, at all. What she has said is We are comfortable with what we will have.

Yet posters are still saying that Ops pension is inadequate. Why are posters making up their own stories re Ops finances?

We are similar to Op and are also comfortable with what we have - a mix of DB and DC pensions but also substantial investments.

We know that our pensions will keep us going day to day, and likely a lot of our DC pensions will be left dormant for the kids to inherit.

We also know that our investments will be enough for extras, holidays, cars etc, plus care costs if they come along.

We therefore know that we can afford to add regular money into our (young adult) kids’ ISAs now. It doesn’t make sense to hang onto our earnings. We also have done NT membership, paid for holidays etc, but we still have more than enough to add to their ISAs.

There is a massive difference.

The house deposits were a one-off . They were a top up to what they had saved already. They are truly grateful.

Over and beyond that, they make their own choices and decisions about what they earn and spend, and they both work hard in professional roles.

I don't disagree with helping kids out. I've never said that.

What I don't think is right is ring fencing £X each month for something based on what a parent thinks is 'right'.

That's the controlling part.

If they have the money it might make financial sense to pay off the car loan rather than them have it on credit or a lease.

I also wonder how a 28 year old man feels about his parents propping him up and if it would mean he doesn't work as hard at his career.

£700 a month as a mortgage for 2 earners is VERY cheap and I'm wondering why they need so much help anyway, given they have no childcare costs.

They already get 3 'free' hols a year from the OP, free childcare , their wedding paid for, furniture bought, etc.

It comes over as not allowing the son to grow up and be a man.

I suppose I will have to help my DC with house deposits, given the housing situation. But I am hoping to avoid having to pay for luxury spends. That's my arbitrary line.

I also expect the OP has left this thread because she wants to do this. But it's an interesting discussion for the rest of us with young adults in this economy.

Because Op has neatly dodged all questions!
Why not say " we have a sensible plan in place, projected for all eventualities "

No one is asking for a spreadsheet

Op is making unwise decisions based on her emotional needs not on what is financially sensible.
Making your adult DS reliant on you is toxic
It's not the same as giving well thought out lump sums and treating them like adults.

I agree with you that it makes sense in wealthy families, but I don't think OP is sitting on hundreds of thousands. They have a modest income and modest pensions to come.

The son is already living beyond his means and tbh I wonder if the son and DIL even realise that.

@Sandunesandseashells

That is a lovely thing that you are doing, ignore the snide remarks from DiddlySquatSquat, so what if she wouldn’t do that. You do what you want, can afford, makes you happy and your son’s life easier.

Our DS is 3yrs into a professional career, second job, earning almost 60k, saving most of it as still at home (due to move out shortly).

We are still adding to his ISA, as well as his younger sister’s, because we can and have the spare money. He is very careful with money and grateful. He treats us to meals etc when we out as a family, it isn’t all one way.

Last year I joined DD in Oz for the Women’s Footie WC, she was travelling before then but the majority of costs when I was there were paid by us (nice hotel apartments rather than cheap hostels that she had previously stayed in). We also gave DS a small lump sum towards a project he is undertaking, to make things fair. I am very aware that HMRC would take a lot of IHT if we both died today so happy to pass money on now.

@ColBoulter

It's possible to be a kind , supportive parent without making unwise financial decisions based on our own unfilled need to protect our adult children from having to experience any type of mild discomfort.

What is it with these sour snide posts. The OP just wants to help her son out and as she has spare money is wondering how best to do that. It's a totally normal thing to do.
Obviously parents should only do it if they want to and if they have plenty of spare cash but to see it as a bad thing is crazy. I do think you need to be mindful about it and that you can't be controlling with it.

If you can't afford it or simply don't want to then I think that's perfectly ok too. There is nothing wrong with that at all.

We have helped our kids out a lot over the years and continue to give them monthly allowances despite
them having good jobs. They all
have houses and savings.

We do it because we have the money and we much rather that they have it than pay inheritance tax on it. We have plenty of money for care homes etc. if needed in the future. We worked for all of our money and we will do what we want with it.

I hope OP has tapped out of this thread.

I hope OP has tapped out of this thread.

Me too, so many people making up stories about what Op can and cannot afford, with no insight into her finances.

Op, if you are still reading, please give your DS the money, it will help them considerably.

How do you know that Op hasn’t done any financial planning? Not everyone needs a FA!

Op has never mentioned that she has ‘little capital’ as one poster stated! She has never mentioned how much capital she has, at all. What she has said is We are comfortable with what we will have.

Yet posters are still saying that Ops pension is inadequate. Why are posters making up their own stories re Ops finances?

OP is of course right to keep her personal finances private on here and she doesn't need to be posting her pension projection. But - pensions are linked to income and while nurses' pensions are generous their income is (horrifically) low. OP left nursing by, what, 50 at the latest? And now works very part-time in a low paying job. The DH has job that pays well but not a crazy high salary.

Their house is paid off but well below average value.

Unless there's a lottery win or large inheritance that OP hasn't mentioned (which, fair enough but it would rather change the situation) nothing here paints the picture of large capital sums. Most people don't have large capital sums.

OP can do as she wishes and certainly has a good grip on her monthly finances but I don't think those of us advising extreme caution wrt retirement savings are out of line.

Allowing your son to live (even further) beyond his means while you don't have a nest egg to cover early retirement or elderly care is really bad planning.

Most people in their 20s with three young DC are finding things difficult financially. The son is far from the breadline and should be able to start building his own savings in the next couple of years.

What is it with these sour snide posts

What's snide or sour about it?

The vast majority of responses are based on " if only I had more money" with zero thought to the ramifications
They are based on the needs of the posters not on what's best for the Op or her DS

I have zero need to be unpleasant, your issue if you interpreted my concern for the Op in that way

We worked for all of our money and we will do what we want with it.

As you should.

But there have been several posters on this thread (not OP) who have come at this with hints of expectations of their parents subsidising their lifestyle which is what some posters are saying is unreasonable - and it’s nothing to do with jealousy before that gets brought up. Talks of wanting/needing some of the financial burden to be off them while their parents have multiple holidays

I would much rather my parents have endless holidays and enjoy the time that they have left after working so bloody hard for years than paying for my gym, NT membership or the kids dancing lessons

If you can do both great but there seems to be a lot of resentment for those at retirement age now and entitlement that comes with that.

The OP and husband will receive index linked pensions from the NHS. so will be fine. They're only 52 and 56 years of age so have many working years ahead of them.

@Sophiesaph24 - the picture you paint of expensive travel, a big IHT charge and a DC earning £60k in a professional job is a very different picture to the one OP paints.

I suspect there's a lot more spare cash in both generations of your family than in OP's case.