Giving son £600 a month

[Krosem]

DH and I are in our 50s, we only have one child, we are mortgage free, DH is a supervisor for a HA repairs department, doesn't want to step down or leave. I work as a receptionist part time having stepped down from my previously more stressful job.
We bring home a little over £4000 a month, our outgoings are low, we don't holiday abroad much anymore and if we do it's not very expensive as we aren't restricted by school holidays.

Our son is 28, he has 3 children and a wife. They both work but aren't high earners. I provide some childcare , we take them on holiday once a year. We try really hard not to step on their toes, with the kids are they are fantastic parents.
Last year we paid for their wedding entirely, they didn't ask, we insisted and they were very grateful, I kept out of planning unless asked as it was there day.
The year before we gave them money for furniture and home decor.

DH and I have a lot left each month, sure we can save it and what have you, pensions etc. but I hate knowing my son is struggling a bit while we are cruising. DH suggested we pay for their car and the most expensive kids hobby. This will probably be £600 a month, we'd just set up the direct debit for the kids in our name and probably pay the car via them.
We are just worried this might seem a bit intrusive.

Is this a bad idea or should we do it?

My parents helped us when we needed it. I intend to pay that forward.

You have articulated this perfectly

She's already saving them minimum £20k a year in childcare though, plus a holiday a year, plus the wedding plus furnishing their house.

She's already so so generous. I'd hate to see anyone give more at the expense of their own comfort in their later years.

@OrangeRhymesWith

Ugh you MIL sounds tricky but surely all you have to do is refuse any help. It's a simple choice. As soon as you were aware it was transactional then why did you continue to accept help.

Fortunately, the OP doesn't sound anything like your MIL though. She is weighing every up and sounds like she is very mindful of her DIL and sons feelings.

I think it’s a lovely idea if you can afford it. So many people save and save their money and it doesn’t get passed down to loved ones until after they die. If you can help him and his family out now and see the joy and help it bring them, why not!

@ColBoulter
I stand by my comment, it's enabling the DS and treating him as a child
If you actually read my post rather than overeacting you will see that I also gifted my DC house deposits and pay for occasional treats.

I read your post. I get that you think the OP is treating her son like a child by giving him money but I don't get why that is different to you giving your kids money for their house deposits. If the OP said she would like to contribute to the mortgage is that more acceptable to you than her offering to give money for other things.

I think you sound lovely, and would be thrilled if my parents/in laws offered similar (or were in a position to).
I would also love to be able to do this for my children.

I'd maybe look at it slightly differently, in terms of improving their life now and making things easier for them in the future. Have a set amount in your mind that you'd like to contribute monthly. You've mentioned £600 so let's go with that.

If I was you I'd speak to them and say you'd like to help out financially while you are able, but only if they are comfortable with it. I'd ask them how much they could overpay their mortgage by per month without incurring any penalty. Or if you know this detail already you can work it out. Offer a standard overpayment per month (e.g. £300) towards mortgage overpayment. It'll take years off and massively improve their financial future.
I'd then offer money towards the car - the car is a good one as presumably it'll eventually be paid off and then you can make a decision on whether to continue this payment elsewhere. It also directly benefits them now as its something they're already paying.

You sound like a lovely mil . If it's too much to give them money now put it in savings in case they want to move house etc.

What amazing parents you sound.
If you have the opportunity to help your child when you're still here physically and financially then that is brilliant.

The whole ethos of becoming parents is to help stop generational issues, and this generation (age 28) has a very difficult time indeed!

Childcare costs, housing costs, food and bills are crippling - much better to help now if you can and not just leave it all for inheritance.

You are the parents I aspire to be, kudos to you

The whole ethos of becoming parents is to help stop generational issues.

This is not my ethos.

Change "help stop" to "try to help stop" - Better?

You chose to comment nothing on a gesture that is amazing and not often found in this financial climate, but to try and cut down what I had said. Projection rather than reflection.

I'd do this for my DD if financially able to as well - I'd rather she didn't have to suffer like my family have had to and generations before us. But to each their own I guess.

@MintTraybake I have already commented plenty on here, if anything rather too much!

I would like my DC to suffer a bit. Builds character. Certainly to take responsibility for their own decisions,

I don't want my children to suffer but I would also like them to have the satisfaction and reward of having achieved things themselves. That's really valuable.

SO you're just going through the comments that disagree with you and punching in your opinion? Ok cool. Just so I understand.

I used to think that way too, but now I'd prefer a softer life. Not everything that causes a struggle is worth it. There is immense pressure to financially support your family in unprecedented times - and when I can help when my DD gets older, I will.

I posted to support OP's choice and justification of spending their own money. up to them, but financially responsible/ better to spend it when alive than have inheritance tax when dead. Just in case you didn't know. With younger parents etc, your children can often be pensioners by the time parents die, much more useful to give stability and flexibility when trying to juggle young children, IMO.

You seem very angry @MintTraybake. I will leave you to it. It is a discussion forum, so yes, I am going to discuss things I disagree with.

If read in context with the Ops comments and refusal to say whether she had taken financial advice it's clear this is an emotional decision to protect her son from the ups and downs of life
He's not just her son, hes an adult, a husband and father with responsibilities

Bizarrely giving a monthly sum will hinder in some ways, the DS and Dil wont need to strive, to earn it and that will affect their pensions later in life as well as setting up an entitled attitude
What if she can't afford it in the future -which is highly likely?
The DS will have made decisions based on this and bitterness and anger are the likely results
Thoughtful one off gifts don't set the DS up in the same way and the Op can still be kind and generous whilst also treating her son like an adult and looking after her own interests.

Everybody wins
That's the difference.

All those still going on about inheritance tax
Ops property is worth 150k
It's highly unlikely IHT will be due unless she wins the lottery

Yes of course we can say no and refuse, we often have but human being and relationships are complex. A rejection of help to my MIL feels like a rejection of her in her mind.
it is so much deeper and more layered than an offer of help that can be accepted or refused and everyone knowing and accepting the reasons why.

my MIL is lovely, and genuinely wants to help us - this does sound like the OP.

But my MIL does not see how her help can be intrusive, understand why we see value in sacrificing or see that we love her for who she is not how she helps.

I have said my situation may not be OPs DIL's but it may be good to consider any negative impacts her generosity may be sowing.

again, it was her sister saying it may be intrusive that made her write

Op, You and your DH sound lovely. If you really can afford it and you make it clear that if your situation changes then the money would stop or be reduced, then go for it. We all need much more money when we are younger and if you can help ease their financial pressures and see them benefitting from your generosity and enjoying life more, then go for it.

Hi OP I've been thinking about this this morning and what I would do. I think the monthly help element of this could take something away from you son and his wife. We've had some financial help from my pils but as a one off gift towards the mortgage. It was lovely of them and we are grateful but are aware that my dh's sister and my sister both rely financially on our parents on a regular / monthly basis have done for many years and I would say it has taken away some of their ambition and they are not has hardworking as my dh and I who have felt that we had to do it on our own or it wouldn't happen. If that makes sense. My sister starts turning up at my dad's house towards the end of thr month for meals, for example, while she is borassic before payday. I would never do that but it's a dynamic they have got into. A lump sum each year for a few years while you are working and can afford it may be better for them psychologically? But otherwise yes I'd love to be adopted!! And whatever happens money wise your son and dil are v v lucky to have such a kind mum and dad.

I think this sounds very generous of you - but they pay £400 for a car, have TWO holidays a year AND the one you pay for, you do 2 days of childcare....they have all the money they need, they're just prioritising a nice car on finance and their holidays!

Honestly I think you should be putting your money into savings - you're only in your 50s and if your property doesn't increase much in value you could be up shit creek if one of you needs extensive care.

...it probably should be.

You try to learn from mistakes your parents made and progress, and in turn your children do the same. Otherwise everyone is just repeating the same mistakes over and over.

@ObliviousCoalmine I agree with that but I don't think my parents made a mistake bringing me up to stand on my own two feet, and I think I would be doing my DC an absolute disservice by enabling 3 holidays a year, so.....

Well, yes. That's because you don't have a young family to support?

I have similar outgoings to your son I think but I'm ten years old with children (including twins funnily enough!) who are also ten years older. My mum seems to think we're struggling because she sees us busy and in a house that needs renovating - we're not struggling at all. We just need more time!

Again, I think it's nice to be thinking this but they aren't struggling. At all. They are simply working round what they have. They've already had - and are getting a lot from you. I think you need to really build your own pension pot.

I did suggest to @Krosem that she took out private healthcare now. She hasn't replied. Could be that it goes against the grain morally. My GP begged to differ and suggested I do it years ago.

Hips, knees, back, plus other issues that her health board may have knocked on the head for cost, staffing issues. We have no dermatology at the moment, which is worrying.