Giving son £600 a month

[Krosem]

DH and I are in our 50s, we only have one child, we are mortgage free, DH is a supervisor for a HA repairs department, doesn't want to step down or leave. I work as a receptionist part time having stepped down from my previously more stressful job.
We bring home a little over £4000 a month, our outgoings are low, we don't holiday abroad much anymore and if we do it's not very expensive as we aren't restricted by school holidays.

Our son is 28, he has 3 children and a wife. They both work but aren't high earners. I provide some childcare , we take them on holiday once a year. We try really hard not to step on their toes, with the kids are they are fantastic parents.
Last year we paid for their wedding entirely, they didn't ask, we insisted and they were very grateful, I kept out of planning unless asked as it was there day.
The year before we gave them money for furniture and home decor.

DH and I have a lot left each month, sure we can save it and what have you, pensions etc. but I hate knowing my son is struggling a bit while we are cruising. DH suggested we pay for their car and the most expensive kids hobby. This will probably be £600 a month, we'd just set up the direct debit for the kids in our name and probably pay the car via them.
We are just worried this might seem a bit intrusive.

Is this a bad idea or should we do it?

Do it! Don't feel you have to justify your generosity here.
We are in a similar position to you and share our good fortune with our children and their families.
They aren't in need or struggling but it gives us immense pleasure to share.
They don't feel beholden. Nor are they entitled, just grateful!

Absolutely. My grandmother paid for our clothes and activities. My mum helps me out with my DD. Not so much now but when I was struggling. Paid for tutors, paid for activities etc.

I think it sounds a lovely thing to do, and as long as it’s made clear you will do so whilst you can, I don’t see anything wrong with it. I’m sure your son and daughter in law will be very appreciative of such a kind gesture.

@ColBoulter

I think you are overthinking this and assuming the worst of the son and DIL. The OPs made it clear they never ask for money and are hard working etc. They sound nice as does the OP. There is no reason at all to think this will cause ill feeling if the OP gives it a little thought. Which is exactly what she is doing. You seem keen to put a negative slant on the situation.

The OP may have no need to seek financial advice. She may be perfectly capable of understanding her finances herself.

No I just have a different perspective

I have helped my adult DC just in a way which preserves their own goals ,ambitions and expectations
As I said its a win win

She may have but given she has disappeared from the thread it's likely she hasn't and isn't liking what she has heard.
If she has then great but I still think one off gifts are better than monthly
I'm allowed to have and stand by that opinion.

Mine have Disney holidays, cars 48k they have to make the payments on. Christmas and birthdays the house looks like Hamleys. I buy the children clothes, money would fall into a black hole. It's not how we operated as young parents. But seems the norm today, or so I'm told

It was based on the average time spent in care homes, which is 2 years (most older people die by then) @Sharptonguedwoman

We have more than £200K in savings, it was just a guide so that we could plan other inheritances.

It's a Friday which is the OP's childcare day- maybe she's just busy!

It's odd however that it was her husband who suggested the idea - not her.

But she had doubts and hence her post.

I know people say they aren't high earners, but £60K (in the north?) is almost twice the median salary.

I think someone said the OP's house was worth £150K (I can't see that in her posts) but it does show that their income, relative to house prices in their area, is high.

At the same time however, it begs the question how her son and DIL need top-ups when their mortgage is only £700 a month.
That is literally peanuts compared to many parts of England.

I don't think it's wrong to help out but I do think it's wrong to take over and decide what the money is for.

That should be for the son to decide. Okay, you could say 'Never look a gift horse in the mouth' but he may feel slightly demeaned by the constant hand outs.

He's already getting far more than most young couples- the wedding, furniture, 3 holidays a year, Xmas paid for, £1200 a month of 'free' childcare...

She came her to ask if it was the right thing to do! @Justkeeprollingalong

Obviously there will be different opinions.

I think this is a marvellous idea. Families that get on well and don’t hold any strings over each other can thrive when the generation above can financially help like this. It takes the pressure off, ensures everyone feels better, and makes sure the tax man or care home doesn’t get it at end of life.

Lovely idea @Krosem

What brilliant parents you are @Krosem. When my son was little my parents bought all his shoes and coats, it meant so much to have a major expense taken away. It’s so much better for people to be given money when they’re struggling.

If they’re happy for you to do this for them go for it. We do a fair bit for our daughter who has a disability so disadvantaged. We look at it as an early inheritance, no use being the richest person in the graveyard 🤷‍♀️

I totally understand where you're coming from. You have one child and you can't take the money with you, so to speak.
The fact that you said it might be intrusive leads me to believe your son never asked for a monetary gift but just asking for favours as kids generally do.
I also have grown ups. Either give them a lump sum or deposit etc. Giving a grown child a monthly payment seems weird.

I think this is a lovely idea and very sensible also. We have a broken model of distribution of wealth a d free time across the generations and so I would absolutely do this to lighten the load on my kids of they ever have kids.

I would say they would appreciate it from what you have said.

Many parents, whether they pay for their children’s wedding or not, make demands and want to help out/take over and cause stress. You paid and had no expectations. It sounds like your relationship with them is really good. If it’s what you would like to do, it’s worth a conversation, they can always say no. Kids are expensive, and schools seem to want money every other week for something, and out of school activities do all add up. If they think the amount you’re offering is too much and they think their car is their responsibility, a smaller amount for them to enjoy outings with the kids would be appreciated I’m sure. Maybe don’t stipulate what to spend it on, just a few suggestions.

It’s very generous of you but you will need it for your retirement. Put it into your pensions while you can. You never know what the future might hold.

Not intrusive and comes with no pressure. Wonderful. Clearly gives you pleasure and is obviously appreciated. Just do it.

I think it’s a good idea. Would you not just offer them £500pm for them to do with as they wish or ask them what they feel comfortable with? Also I would suggest you say that you will review it every year-just in case circumstances change. You sound like lovely parents.

Hmmn. Not as wise and generous as you might think.

You give, give, give and now want to give them part of your monthly income.

What happens if something unexpected happens? Dental or healthwise (£2,000 hearing aids, dentures or implants, a private scan that can't wait up to 3 years for an nhs appointment), or just to your home or possessions. Or one of you loses your job.

By making them reliant on your £600 a month, what will happen if you can't afford it for a few months? Because their lifestyle will adapt to include that £600.

And that's a rapid debt they'll build up.

They need to live mostly within their means. That's being a grown up and learning to budget.

Put aside £600 a month into your own savings account. And just be there for the extras they really want - like a car or holidays.

Because you never want to be in that position where you have to decide between making life uncomfortable for them or spending money where your health counts.

And one day you need to retire.

You can be really financially supportive without encouraging them to live beyond their means.

I’d be inclined to set up bank accounts for the children so your daughter-in-law doesn’t have the embarrassment for asking for handouts. So if £600 a month is what you feel would prevent them struggling and affordable to you, it’s probably okay.
There’s a danger that your son is too comfortable with being bailed out. It prevents a person’s growth and looking for the next step up in a working environment.

I’d also be inclined to put money in trust. I’ve put my inheritance into premium bonds for my daughters and their wins are paid into their bank accounts but before they were 16, I had the money reinvested.

I'd go for junior isa s for the grandchildren to be honest. My mum does this for my kids and it will be a brilliant start for their adult lives.

If I was in your position I’d do EXACTLY the same. You can’t take the money with you when you’re gone and although you can leave it to them it sounds like they need it now.
I’ve probably missed it somewhere, but is your son an only child? We’ve got 3 children, all adults with partners but we’ve definitely helped out financially unequally as that’s how things have worked out with one child bringing in a much higher income than the other two.

If I were you I’d set money aside in a separate account and treat them as and when. Soon enough the kids will be in much more expensive hobbies (kit can be really expensive), there will be school trips, and before you know it driving lessons and first cars…it will be a HUGE weight off their parents shoulders each time you chip in to those things. And you wouldn’t have the worry of changing circumstances where potentially they have become reliant on the additional £600pm income. Treat them to a spa weekend alone and take the kids for them, the types of things they wouldn’t dream of doing for themselves but that can make such a difference when you’re raising a young family.

If you can afford it do it, it's not nice seeing your children struggling l help mine as much as l can.

@OldPerson

That's a very negative look on this situation. Do you have adult kids? My kids are all adults and none of them would have any trouble understanding me if I said I'd like to give the money but that I'd have to review it in a year or so. I know plenty of people have problems with debts and credit cards and things like that but there are plenty of people that don't.

it sounds like the OPs son and daughter are sensible and responsible.