My Mother Said She Wouldn't Die For Me.

[LostSoul89]

Morning all!

I've contemplated posting this for days but feared I'd look stupid. The back story is, me, my mum and my 18 year old daughter were watching a film the other night where hostages were being held at gun point and two of them were mother and son. The mother begged for her life to be taken to save her sons.

My daughter asked me if I'd do that for her, to which I replied "Of course, no doubt about it DD" . My daughter then asked my mum if she would do the same for me, to which she hastily replied "No". We thought she was joking at first but she was adamant she would put herself first. I got quite upset and said I would rather she had just lied to me.

It's not even the first time she's shown how selfish she is - two weeks ago I was staying at hers overnight and we thought we heard an intruder and she practically pushed me down the stairs to go and check! To add insult to injury - my mum is a fit, young 60 year old and I have disabilities that require a walking stick to walk.

Some people might think I'm being pathetic but I'm so hurt, I can stop thinking about what she said to me. I could maybe understand if I was a douche bag of a daughter but I'm not.

AIBU?

What a cruel thing to say and do OP. Sorry your mum is a jerk!

It’s hard when you realise you don’t actually have a mum, I’m sorry she can’t be the mother to you that you deserve and well done to you for breaking the generational damage by doing better for your daughter.

Honestly, I think it’s a bit much to expect someone to sacrifice their life for an adult child who is old enough to have an 18 year old. I wouldn’t see it as ‘selfish’. The idea of maternal self-sacrifice is deeply engrained and doesn’t do women any favours.

This. If you were a 5 year old maybe

I couldn't watch my child die.

you are sounding like a bit of a douche bag of a daughter here.

many people say that they would die for their children but luckily very few are in the situation where they have too. In these situations instincts kick in and our primal instinct is to look after ourselves. You see it in car accidents where the passenger dies as the drivers instinct is to get away from danger. This is often inadvertently putting the passengers in more danger.

it sounds as if your mum was being honest in this situation and instead of leaving it you have kept prodding.

You’re an adult though, not a child. So I guess it’s different? My kids are still kids and I would die for them, I mean, I shoved my kid out of the way and got hit by a car which was flying up onto the pavement. Didn’t see how I’d have time to grab him and run us both out the way so I just shoved him as hard as I could out of the way. Didn’t even think about it. And I assume I would do the same when they’re adults, but I don’t know because I’m not there yet.

Even as a 60 year old, maybe she is starting to feel more vulnerable? Could be why she was afraid to check for an intruder? I don’t know. It all sounds a bit feeble and a bit selfish, but I don’t have adult kids so don’t know how it feels.

I think that the question is more about where you are in the pecking order. I partially agree with a previous poster about unhelpful messages of motherly sacrifice, but also understand it’s harsh if you feel bottom of the pile.

i think if your mum will save herself first, but you and DD 2nd, that’s sort of ok. If she would save herself first, then her son, then her partner, then her friend Jean etc etc then you, then it’s hurtful.

I'm no feminist but I agree.

And anyway, who knows what she'd actually do if faced with this decision. Don't get het up about it.

This is really good example of pot calling the kettle black.

You are upset because she wouldn’t die for you, but that’s really a pretty selfish thing to be upset about. It’s an utterly made up situation and not something to get worked up about.

Yes, my DS is still young, so it would be a completely unthinking response (at least I imagine so, having never been in that position), but I’d probably feel almost equally protective of my own mother, who is a healthy woman in her 70s. It certainly wouldn’t occur to me that she should be automatically taking a bullet for her healthy, middle-aged daughter.

I wouldn't expect my mum to have those feelings towards an adult past a certain point - she could argue that she would expect you to defend her in the event of a threat which would make more sense.

I'm sorry thats such a cruel thing to say.

Even if she wouldn't for whatever reason, she should have just lied. Its a very unlikely scenario and if it did ever happen, you are hardly going to say to her "well actually mum, 3 years ago you promised to die for me if we ever ended up in this situation".

my mum is a fit, young 60 year old and I have disabilities that require a walking stick to walk.
Being flippant here - but this is survival of the fittest. In the wild it's always the sick or injured that gets picked off first.

But I do get it. It feels as though she doesn't love you enough. But there has to come a point where a mother's instinct has to lessen so she can protect herself more. I think once grandchildren are nearly adults it is a good time for those primal instincts to kick back in so she puts herself first. Doesn't stop it hurting though.

No one knows what theyd do in that situation.

I would expect a man to die for their child too.

This made me chuckle a bit, because I can absolutely imagine my mother working herself up and half-chucking me down the stairs after a "burglar".

You're at least in your thirties, I don't think you need to be fed fairy tales of your parents laying down their lives for you in highly unlikely to happen scenarios.

Had a big row with my mum once when she said she’d rather my children died from lack of medication than have treatment that had been tested on animals.

Hard one to get over.

You are not a child.
Can't believe you would expect another adult to die for you.

Perhaps your poor mother was thinking she'd be more practical use to your daughter.

Agreed.

You're a grown adult OP. It would be different if you were a child. Sorry but yes I do think you're being a bit ridiculous.

It's all completely hypothetical anyway.

I think you’ve really dramatised a theoretical situation.
I’d take a bullet for my dc, probably not for dh. My mum wouldn’t take a bullet for me nor would I expect her to. I’m an adult now!

I think it’s weird that you know she’s not an especially maternal (I don’t think this is the right word but I can’t think of what else to use) woman yet expected her to die to save your life. don’t know, for some reason I’d expect you to have realised this by now if she’s selfish like you say.

I don’t think you’re a douchebag of a daughter, but you do need to toughen up. It’s not ever going to be a position you’re all in - why catastrophise over something that’s theoretical?

This is a case study for 'dont ask questions that you don't want the answer to'.

I wouldn't expect another adult to sacrifice their life for mine. I find this an odd thing to be worked up about to be honest.

I wouldn't expect my parents to die for me. I think your being a bit ott and weird about this.