My Mother Said She Wouldn't Die For Me.

[LostSoul89]

Morning all!

I've contemplated posting this for days but feared I'd look stupid. The back story is, me, my mum and my 18 year old daughter were watching a film the other night where hostages were being held at gun point and two of them were mother and son. The mother begged for her life to be taken to save her sons.

My daughter asked me if I'd do that for her, to which I replied "Of course, no doubt about it DD" . My daughter then asked my mum if she would do the same for me, to which she hastily replied "No". We thought she was joking at first but she was adamant she would put herself first. I got quite upset and said I would rather she had just lied to me.

It's not even the first time she's shown how selfish she is - two weeks ago I was staying at hers overnight and we thought we heard an intruder and she practically pushed me down the stairs to go and check! To add insult to injury - my mum is a fit, young 60 year old and I have disabilities that require a walking stick to walk.

Some people might think I'm being pathetic but I'm so hurt, I can stop thinking about what she said to me. I could maybe understand if I was a douche bag of a daughter but I'm not.

AIBU?

For a child, or for a middle+aged adult child, though?

You think SHE’S the selfish one when you think she should volunteer to die so you can stay alive.

You might want to think about how selfish it is that you’d sacrifice your own mother to stay alive.

Yabu, op. The middle generation protects and defends the children and the grandparent generation, that's how it is in so many cultures, because it makes the most sense.

"Die for" is maybe too extreme to contemplate, but (eg) I'd make myself uncomfortable in order to make my mum more comfortable, no question. I'd (say) donate blood to her, and not expect it the other way around.

Wow that'd be almost relationship-ending for me.

Where I'm originally from, the obligation of the middle generation is ingrained into the culture.

If you're having a big family meal, the grandparents get served first, then the children, then the middle generation last. The most delicious bits are reserved for the oldest and youngest members of the family. If there's not enough to go round, the middle generation go hungry.

For those who are saying that I'd expect her to die for me, no I wouldn't. I told her I'd happily give up my life for hers.

Also, I said in my post that it was my daughter that asked her - not me.

Being a child wouldn't have made a difference as she said she wouldn't sacrifice herself for anyone.

I don’t think it matters how old you are or if you have kids of your own - if my mum had said this to me I would be upset too OP. I would give my life for my children without a second thought.

But she may have felt differently when you actually were a child.

I couldn’t agree with this any less. I can’t imagine most mothers would hold the same view as you. I would bet my house that the majority of mothers would put their children (even as adults) above themselves in that situation. The mothers already had 20+ years longer on the planet.

I couldn’t think of anything even remotely close to losing your child. It has to be the worst thing ever, the stuff of nightmares. I wouldn’t want to be in this world if something happened to them - mine are children but I can’t imagine that would ever change, ever! There is a saying that you’re only as happy as your unhappiest child and that’s how I imagine most mothers feel.

But all of that is just hyperbole. Very very very easy to say. In reality you have no idea what you’d do. There are plenty of examples of people not sacrificing themselves for their children when it actually comes down to it. The only insightful thing to do is hope you’re never tested, because your certainty may be misplaced. It has been for many many others.

I find these hypotheticals ridiculous and when (if) you don't get the answer you want, you get real emotions over a situation that has never happened- and will never happen for the vast majority, and yet you have real consequences. The asking you to check out a noise- I'd do that for a parent, but I'm not you, and there are obviously several examples that have upset you about your mums behaviour. Asking if they'd die for another adult, and then not liking the answer, is more on you.

I didn't ask for the answer! My daughter did!

Yes. Especially one who had a child. I would never choose to leave my grandchildren losing a parent.

You’re getting a ridiculously hard time here, op. I’m certain that my mum would sacrifice her life for mine if it came to it. I wouldn’t ask her to, but I think she eoild, especially as my children need me. I’m also certain that I’d die for any of my children no matter how old they were.

There was another thread recently where the OP had got into a disagreement with her DH after telling her sister she would rather have her dead child back than him. Tbh I think one of the lessons is don’t get drawn into these conversations about hierarchy and who you care about most. It’s bound to really hurt someone’s feelings.

When my cousin (we were both in our 30s at the time) was going through agressive cancer treatment, her mother - my DM's sister - said that watching her daughter be so sick was very hard and she wished there was a way she could transfer it to herself and go through it on behalf of her daughter. She then turned to DM and said, and of course you would say the same if it were Novemberish. DM thought for about a minute and then said no, definitely not; she wouldn't take on painful, sickness-inducing treatment and losing her hair for anyone.

I know it's utterly hypothetical - but it really stung in the moment and still makes me sad.

Disagree completely with this. Even as adults my instinct is to protect my children first and I don’t give a shit about whether that does women any favours long term. I really don’t understand women who think the way the ops mother does but each to their own. I don’t owe strangers anything just because they are the same sex as me but my family I absolutely would sacrifice myself for.

Oh fgs, you’ve completely missed the point. I’m bloody glad half the people posting here aren’t my mother.

Well, I’m a mother, of the Winnicott ‘good enough’ type, and not given to self-sacrifice in general. And honestly, this is so hypothetical I don’t think speculation is likely to bear any resemblance to what would actually happen if we were in such a horrible situation.

I would protect my adult son, I didn't spend all those years raising him to have someone chuck him off a cliff or whatever.

That’s awful and I would feel as hurt as you. Of course no one wants their mother to die or be sick but I do think that a loving parent should certainly be more tactful about these issues even if they would let their child die instead of them

Or you could, you know, just tell a white lie to save all the agro. After all this ridiculous scenario is pretty unlikely to ever happen.

Scenarios aside...
You gave a mother who you feel is often selfish towards you and puts herself first. You have several examples of this, it is your reality.

This is hurtful, yes, of course it is. It is reasonable you should find that upsetting as we all want a mother to love us completely and unconditionally.

Unfortunately, selfish people also have children and everyone has to live with that situation. You sometimes see threads on here where people admit they should not have become a mother as they aren't cut out for it.
Some do a better job of filling the role, despite that, than others.

To be honest I have sympathy with both parties for different reasons. My greatest sympathy of course lies with the child who has had to grow up as the recipient of a limited kind of love.

Take care of yourself op and well done on giving your own DD better.

At least she was honest.
I am pretty sure that neither of my Parents would have died for me but they would have lied about it.
We were talking about this the other day (me, DH and DD). Of course we both said we would die for DD and then I asked DH would he kill for her and he wasnt so sure - I was .
It was a Reference to a movie, we arent actually that macabre

I honestly don’t understand how anyone thinks someone else should just die instead of them. It’s too weird.