My Mother Said She Wouldn't Die For Me.

[LostSoul89]

Morning all!

I've contemplated posting this for days but feared I'd look stupid. The back story is, me, my mum and my 18 year old daughter were watching a film the other night where hostages were being held at gun point and two of them were mother and son. The mother begged for her life to be taken to save her sons.

My daughter asked me if I'd do that for her, to which I replied "Of course, no doubt about it DD" . My daughter then asked my mum if she would do the same for me, to which she hastily replied "No". We thought she was joking at first but she was adamant she would put herself first. I got quite upset and said I would rather she had just lied to me.

It's not even the first time she's shown how selfish she is - two weeks ago I was staying at hers overnight and we thought we heard an intruder and she practically pushed me down the stairs to go and check! To add insult to injury - my mum is a fit, young 60 year old and I have disabilities that require a walking stick to walk.

Some people might think I'm being pathetic but I'm so hurt, I can stop thinking about what she said to me. I could maybe understand if I was a douche bag of a daughter but I'm not.

AIBU?

I would sacrifice myself for my adult children without a doubt. I am surprised how many wouldn't on this thread. Very hurtful that she didn't even lie.

I think that's what's bothering me the most - the fact that she wouldn't even lie to save my feelings. No one is perfect and most of us have lied to save someone else being hurt. My real issue here is, I think, that she was more than fine with me having hurt feelings - she actually laughed.

Sure, but I imagine the OP’s mother wasn’t actually expecting an off the cuff reply to a deeply hypothetical situation to involve ‘aggro’!

I’m assuming this was hypothetical future medication, not that the children were actually ill or had any risk of death.

My mum would die for me. My dad wouldn’t. I don’t have any differing emotions to them because of this. Because I’m not selfish and have no expectation any one would sacrifice themselves for me.

This.

I can't believe what I read on here sometimes! Ignore some of these ridiculous comments OP, it's totally reasonable for you to expect that your mum would naturally want to protect you.

Agree with this.

I'd die for my children any age they are. Especially if I was also a grandmother. Absolutely 100% I would trade myself in so my children could enjoy their own children and grandchildren etc.
Now if it was my husband he's knows and expects my answer would be no.

Yeah, totally reasonable to pitch a hissy fit on the internet about her mother not telling a white lie on response to an off the cuff question about a hypothetical situation.

Agree but it does still seem an odd thing to say, even to your adult child.

She sounds like a bitch. The fact it was just a hypothetical situation, and she felt the need to in effect say she would rather see you die than herself, says a lot about her. And the fact that you experienced what felt like a real life situation when you thought there was an intruder in the house and she pushed you forwards - she’s given you a clear message that she sees herself as more important than you.
The sad fact is not all mums are made equal, despite the fact that we are led to believe that they are. My mother doesn’t have a maternal bone in her body. It hurts to realise that your mother doesn’t care as much as you would like. But to be honest I don’t care about my mother as much as other people do about theirs. I think mothers who are cold in that way reap what they sow in the long term.

I'm on the fence about the answer. My life isn't any less because I'm approaching 60. I also don't think that women have to sacrifice themselves on the alter of motherhood. However my two youngest are of an age were I'd sacrifice myself for them, plus one has children. Your Mother should be tactful enough to lie. But she us who she is. In a zombie apocalypse or even in a war situation, a fit 60 year old's decision to save themselves over a younger disabled person, is a valid one (I'm once again rewatching the WD).

It was a silly theoretical question. You don't actually know how you would react in a life or death situation unless you are actually there.

I have a shit mother though who has never been a mother to me, I would never ask her this question because the answer to me is obvious, she would drag me on front of her to use me as a human shield 😂 It sucks never having had a mum but it is what it is, if it affects you then distance yourself away from her to a level you can cope with.

If I could save my child I would even if it meant me dying ,it wouldn't matter if my child was 5 or 55.

Some time back I was listening to a talk and the speaker asked us this very question-who would we die for? Fortunately we just had to think it, not say it. I came to the conclusion I would die for my daughter, she has her life ahead of her but honestly, Id prefer not. A mother of four said there wasn't anyone. Her children were cogent adults, capable of sorting themselves out. You can never tell. Mothers aren't sacrificial victims.

I mean tbf you shouldn't have asked her if you know she's a mean person because you are only setting yourself up to be hurt...
But I totally understand why you are hurt.
My mum is the same and she even does it unsolicited sometimes... just says the most selfish hurtful stiff and you are there thinking 'could you not just have kept that to yourself?'
It's a double whammy because not only do they say the thing that indicates you are extremely low down on their list of priorities if you are even on it at all.. but they also can't even be arsed to cover that up.. like they can't even be arsed to lie or keep quiet about how they dont really like you, to protect your feelings.

In future just grey rock her a bit more and avoid asking questions like this or interacting on too personal a level.
Some people can't love. They just can't. They are only out for themselves and there's nothing you can do except remind yourself that the issue is with them and it's not because you are unlovable.

It was a silly theoretical question. You don't actually know how you would react in a life or death situation unless you are actually there.

Exactly this! It's quite tasteless, to ask someone, dramatically, if they'd 'die for'. Thankfully, for the vast majority, this will only be a theoretical question. If it wasn't, none of us could comprehend ahead of time the awful circumstances that might necessitate it.

With regard to your reaction, it seems like you don't feel your mum truly cares for you and loves you, or is able to express her feelings for you. That's of course a valid perception to have and worth talking to her separately about - not under the guise of silly questions to force a situation.

My DD is 30. I'd do it without question. She will never actually stop being my child after all

My mum? Hmm I'm not actually sure what she'd do. If I had to guess - and I'm not going to ask her - I think she'd save my brother but not me. But she would never say that.

I might be being unfair of course. She DID actually once drag my abusive ex out of her house by his collar when he made the mistake of hitting me in front of her so who knows what anyone will do until it happens. 🤷🏽‍♀️

Oh my god - for the last time - my teenage daughter asked her! I was merely I bystander to the whole conversation!

I personally would not want to outlive my children. So yes I would die for them even as adults.
I don't view that as being a martyr. In a way its selfish because I just wouldn't want to grieve them. It's not the natural order of things.
Of course we don't have control over it in real life.. and you may outlive your own children... but if I actually had a choice where it was their life or mine to end... I'd choose mine without hesitation.
I honestly don't know how I could live with myself if I didn't.
That doesn't mean I go around prioritising the whims of my kids over my own day to day.
Just if it really came down to it I would prioritise their lives over my own.
I 100% know my mother wouldn't do that for me tho. But she feels very little responsibility for anything in her life.

@WarshipRocinante goodness, I hope you have recovered well from any injuries.

I can't imagine any scenario where I wouldn't put my child first and save his life over mine. He's a teen but I don't think that will change even as older adults. For one thing, I'd hope he would have a longer life than me so I'd definitely want him to live on.

And I'm not a Mummy Martyr, I just feel it's the natural choice to protect the younger generation.

I'd stop having this conversation with her and I'd stop staying at her house.

That sounds to mr like the sort of answer you get when you back a stubborn person into a corner during an argument.

"Oh so you would never approve of testing on animals? Even to save your life? Even to save my children's life. You monster ...".

I remember reading a letter by J.R.R. Tolkien where he was regretting that planes had ever been invented after atrocities like Coventry and Dresden and Hiroshima. Then he said of course people will try to trap you by saying, what if you needed an emergency flight to save your son's life. And of course you would take that because that's the choice in front of you and you can't change reality and undo the harm planes have done.

I am sure your mum would take that treatment for your children in reality.

True, but I think our instinctual response to the question is what OP is asking for.

Obviously it's very unlikely the situation would ever arise but it was OPs Mum's first reaction that hurt her. Whereas mine is same as hers, save my child.