My Mother Said She Wouldn't Die For Me.

[LostSoul89]

Morning all!

I've contemplated posting this for days but feared I'd look stupid. The back story is, me, my mum and my 18 year old daughter were watching a film the other night where hostages were being held at gun point and two of them were mother and son. The mother begged for her life to be taken to save her sons.

My daughter asked me if I'd do that for her, to which I replied "Of course, no doubt about it DD" . My daughter then asked my mum if she would do the same for me, to which she hastily replied "No". We thought she was joking at first but she was adamant she would put herself first. I got quite upset and said I would rather she had just lied to me.

It's not even the first time she's shown how selfish she is - two weeks ago I was staying at hers overnight and we thought we heard an intruder and she practically pushed me down the stairs to go and check! To add insult to injury - my mum is a fit, young 60 year old and I have disabilities that require a walking stick to walk.

Some people might think I'm being pathetic but I'm so hurt, I can stop thinking about what she said to me. I could maybe understand if I was a douche bag of a daughter but I'm not.

AIBU?

I'm on the fence here. On the one hand, your mum is entitled to say what she likes, and that she wouldn't sacrifice herself for her 37 year old daughter (just guessing your age here based on your own child being 18 and your mum being 60.) But my 2 DDs are mid 20s, and I would - in a heartbeat - take a bullet for them. I will feel the same when they are 40, 50, and 60. If I am still alive!!!

I would judge any woman/mother who says they would rather their daughter died than them. (Even if said daughter was in her 30s or 40s (or older.) That is basically what your mum has said @LostSoul89 YANBU to be upset.

@CantDealwithChristmas Please consider that in the chimp experiment the chimps used were not wild chimps raise by their mothers, they were bred in captivity and will have experienced profound trauma/attachment disorders. The only comparison with humans would consider children born in prison and kept there, raped to beed them and then experimented on. We learn nothing from experiments on lab bred animals.

Female kangaroos will take their baby out of their pouch and throw it at a predator to distract it and save themselves. But we are nothing like Kangaroos either.

@walnutcoffeecake Rude. I didn't expect her to go downstairs - I went voluntarily but as I was heading towards the top of the stairs and she practically pushed me down- she actually forcefully put her hand on my back!!

Anyone who, hand on heart, says they’d choose to save themselves and leave their child to die, has something wrong with them. Unless your child is already terminally ill, their life should always come before your own. They’re younger, they’ve had less life, and the parental instinct to protect should remain strong for ever.

Those who’d put themselves first - how would you ever enjoy life again, dealing with not only the death of your child, but the knowledge that it was your choice that they should die rather than you?

OP, you are not just unreasonable, you are batshit.

It's a stupid hypothetical from a film. My family had this conversation too - my mum said "hell no, I'm using you and your brother as human shields" while my brother and I riffed on not having to outrun the lion, only having to outrun each other. That's the level of seriousness needed to treat that question.

Yes, people like to think they'd willingly sacrifice themselves for their children. In reality, in such circumstances, that's rarely what people do because survival instinct is insanely strong. With young children, definitely, because there's a biological imperative to protect your children until they reach an age to pass on their (your) genes. As a PP said, we are mostly chimps when it comes down to it.

Your mum answered a daft question from your teenager about a hypothetical.

You are letting your emotional baggage turn it into a judgement on your life. It isn't and it shouldn't be.

Not rude at all as the poster said above batshit crazy.
Get one with your own life.

@LenaLamont I would die for my daughter - would I actually want to die - of course not but would I actually - yes I absolutely would!

I am not batshit. Thank you.

I think I could sacrifice my life for my kids lives, without a doubt. Particularly if they were still young, but even now in their early 20’s and my late 40’s I see their lives as more worth saving than mine - I’ve had a good run, and don’t fancy a life without them in it, if I could have jumped in front of the bullet!

What a strange and disturbing thread! I do always think the advice on here is skewed by the fact that most people on here have young children and when adult children are discussed they can’t seem to get their heads around the fact that they will feel protective of their children forever. Perhaps they’re clinging to the idea that the worry will disappear at some point.

OP your mother isn’t very nice. Even if she didn’t think she’d die for you, then she could have lied. Someone said that our instinct is always to protect ourselves but of course this is only true for some people. My first instinct if I have to break quickly in the car is to put my arm out to attempt to help the person in the passenger seat. Obviously that would not work in the event of an accident but that’s what I do. If I had more time to think about it, I’d be terrified but I’d do it because a) I always try to do the right thing and b) my life would be over anyway if anything happened to my children. That is far more terrifying than death.

I spent 51 years thinking that my mum loved me but it turns out that I was wrong. My mum is a covert narcissist. But ultimately that realisation makes my feelings easier to manage.

I think its best not to ask these sort of questions. It always seem to lead to upset!

No good comes of honesty in these little chats. We had a recent argument about this re: the Straus family on the Titanic. By refusing to get on the lifeboat until every woman and child had a spot, even when his wife got out as a result of his refusal, Isador Straus created a situation where his wife remained onboard to drown. She had agency, she could have saved herself, but chose not to. Very touching and noble on both their parts but I think Isador could have sacrificed his principles to save his wife. Furthermore I told DH if he did that I’d have stayed on the lifeboat. Am I the morally relativistic arsehole? Apparently so😂

Dying for someone is easy and stupid. All it means is you make your loved one experience the pain of your murder before they’re killed themselves.

I can hear you're upset, OP, but I do think dwelling on this comment is a little unreasonable. Let's face it, none of us really know what we'll do in that sort of situation until we're in it. It's also kind of a 'does my bum look big in this?' question...you shouldn't ask it if you don't really want to know the answer. I would just try to put it behind you.

You raise a very good point but obviously this depends on the circumstances!

From an evolutionary POV, if we have passed our genes on then we've served our purpose.
If our children have passed their genes on then they have also served their purpose.

So, if we had to save our child or our grandchild then it would make more evolutionary sense to save the grandchild.

In you had to choose between your child who has a child themselves and your child who hasn't, then it would make more evolutionary sense to save then one who hasn't.

I think we are driven by subconscious instinct.

I think some Mners on the Mners Without Children board might take issue with the idea that we subconsciously value those with children ahead of those without?

OP, I just asked my own mother this on the phone and she laughed and said 'Dream on'.

I would give my life for both of my children no matter how old they are

At your grown age, she probably thinks she doesn’t need to anymore.

Saying that, my mom would almost certainly sacrifice hers for me, as would my dad. They’re just those kinda people .

Then again, no one truly knows what they will do in such situations.

I can't get my head around this. You're an adult. A grown woman. Your mother has made any sacrifices for you when you were a child, she doesn't have to now!

Of all the ridiculous and petty things to be upset about!

Its just a film really,I hope no one in RL would be faced with such a terrible decision.Who knows in reality what would happen ? Just relax and forget about it!

@DrJoanAllenby I hope you're not a real Dr. You have no idea what my mother has or has not done for me!!

I see mums saying they would die for their children who can't even put their children first before moving in a new partner their children do not like.
It is the kind of thing people say. In reality no one knows what they would do. And the split second survival instinct is very strong.

But so what, though? If you feel your mother was an inadequate parent, deal with that, rather than getting so exercised about an offhand remark about a hypothetical scenario.

My mother, whom I love, was a terribly inadequate parent, and has no idea this is the case, because she herself was barely parented, and had no idea what was needed other than basic food and clothes.

Sadly, not every mother is the selfless loving type who will always put their children first. On the plus side, at least you don't have to feel an obligation to look after her should there come a time when she needs it! Congratulate yourself that you are a loving mother who would die for her child even though you didn't have that kind of mothering yourself 💐

I think people have a good idea about what they do. Those saying you don't know would probably save themselves.