My Mother Said She Wouldn't Die For Me.

[LostSoul89]

Morning all!

I've contemplated posting this for days but feared I'd look stupid. The back story is, me, my mum and my 18 year old daughter were watching a film the other night where hostages were being held at gun point and two of them were mother and son. The mother begged for her life to be taken to save her sons.

My daughter asked me if I'd do that for her, to which I replied "Of course, no doubt about it DD" . My daughter then asked my mum if she would do the same for me, to which she hastily replied "No". We thought she was joking at first but she was adamant she would put herself first. I got quite upset and said I would rather she had just lied to me.

It's not even the first time she's shown how selfish she is - two weeks ago I was staying at hers overnight and we thought we heard an intruder and she practically pushed me down the stairs to go and check! To add insult to injury - my mum is a fit, young 60 year old and I have disabilities that require a walking stick to walk.

Some people might think I'm being pathetic but I'm so hurt, I can stop thinking about what she said to me. I could maybe understand if I was a douche bag of a daughter but I'm not.

AIBU?

I'm sorry you feel let down by your mum.

My parents have neglected and rejected and let me down in so many ways over the years. My dad said to me twice that is wife will always be more important and he loves her more. Once was when I was a child and once as an adult.

All we can do is try to show our kids who much they are loved.

@Applescruffle I'm sorry to hear that. That must have been heartbreaking 💔

Thank you

Quite honestly, its just one of the long, long list of things my parents have said and done that have deeply hurt me.

It's why I've always said that the most important thing for my children is that they know how loved they are and I make sure I tell them as often as possible

All this " I would die for you " is completely hypothetical. OP you'd "happily " give up your life for her? I laughed at that. No you wouldn't. How often have you heard of anyone actually dying for someone else?

I think that “die for them” only applies to young children?

I know in extremis I just freeze (and did so when my toddler was actually in danger) so am under no illusion as to my heroics or lack of. Easy to say you would die for your kids when sitting in a safe warm house!

What a horrible experiment. Very few human mothers would put their child on a burning hot floor and stand on them to save their burning feet ffs. Humans are not chimps.

Also, the armed hostage takers in your scenario wouldn't likely leave any surviving witness's, so you'd all be dead, you know, for each other.

I agree with PPs - it's not the potential lack of self sacrifice on the part of your mum, it's the willingness to make it absolutely clear to you that there is a limit to her love for you.

Of course it's a hypothetical situation and none of us can really know what we would actually do. But the scenario of the question coming up was real and the OP knows that her mother won't consider her feelings enough to say something loving and reassuring even without the need for any self sacrifice involved.

The situation obviously very rarely happens but some people absolutely do take huge risks for their life for other. Many others wouldn't dream of it. We are not all the same.

I’d find it strange to be asked in the first place, but I’m not into these ‘what would you do in <imaginary situation>?’ questions.
If I was put on the spot, though, especially if I’d been pre-warned by a previous question to someone else, I’d probably have said ‘yes, of course!’ even if I was a bit doubtful about how I’d actually feel in the moment! If someone said they would have to kill me or one of my (adult) dc, I think I’d say to kill me, but I’d want it to be quick and painless, wuss that I am!
If your Mum said no, it doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you more than anything, just that she’s being truthful about whether she thinks she’d be brave enough to put herself in the firing line. Maybe she recognises that bravery isn’t her strong point?

Mine are in their 30’s and absolutely I would ! Luckily it’s a situation not many of us will ever face but it’s the “feeling” I think

I agree. I wonder whether some of the posters even have children. I hope not.

It was an unnecessarily cruel thing to say, as anyone with a shred of emotional intelligence knows what the expected and non hurtful answer is, even if in the privacy of your mind you know you are lying. It's not like you'd ever be called upon, so why hurt someone when you don't have to?

She sounds a bit selfish OP but you already knew that.
Try to shrug it off and move on. Its a scenario that will never happen. You know her true colours; its best to accept her for who she is.

Your mum was a dick for answering honestly

I understand your hurt

If she has otherwise been a decent mum I'd let it go as a one/ two off

But maybe there's more to your relationship and that's why it's hurt you ?

I know mumsnet is weird about having any form of emotion about your adult children, god forbid an adult child expecting love from their parents, but come on now. I don't think many parents would let their children die in their place, regardless of age.

Cannot understand the 'but you are an adult' comments. Do people think that your love for your children diminishes once they grow up? I have 40yr old and a 35 year old children I feel as protective towards them as I ever did, and love them just as fiercely. I would definitely give my life for theirs, no question. I've lived my life, they have years to come, and I could not live with myself if I had allowed harm to come to them.
And it is nothing to do with 'maternal self sacrifice' I would expect any father to feel exactly the same, it is to do with instinctive parental love.

Neither could I. I have an adult son and a 16 year old. I would not hesitate to risk/lose my life to save them, and I’m sure my late mum would have done the same for me. I’d expect my DH to do the same.

Ask a stupid question get a stupid answer. The stupidity was a grown woman repeating a mawkish, sentimental question from a teenager about a silly hollywood film and then obsessing over the answer.

Mothers make huge and small sacrifices for their children, every day, all the time. Demanding to know if your parent would also sacrifice their life, is a really silly and disrespectful question. If I were OP I'd focus my thoughts on gratitude that I don't live in DRC, Israel, Somalia or anywhere else where I would stand a genuine chance of actually being kidnapped at gunpoint.

I love mine fiercely, young adults.

As we age though I think the dynamic shifts a bit as they reach peak strength and we decline and become vulnerable. The carer and cared for dynamic changes, as the elderly parent board demonstrates.

The women and children first, followed by older men, and the fit men go last dynamic follows that, really.

As you get older you become much more likely to die from ever smaller injuries.

I guess her vulnerability has kicked in strong and good, and she sees herself as needing assistance now, not offering it.

I know, I’m reading through the replies open mouthed in astonishment!! Meanwhile in the real world and not MN world, most Mums would take the hit for their children.

My primal instinct is to protect my child.

Thank you 🙏

This!

I think you need to grow up and stop asking stupid questions.
You're an adult with an adult child asking things a 5 year old would.
And getting up set because you didnt get the answer you wanted.
Your mums in her 60s leave the woman alone she dont want to know about dieing.
Can adults not get on with their own lifes anymore do they still run to mum and dad and still need to be told they are loved.
My mums 70 very fit i know she loves me she dont have to say it if an intruder came in MY home while she was there id be in front not my mother.
I would not expect my mother at 70 fit or not to face any intruder.

People are getting worse on MN.