My Mother Said She Wouldn't Die For Me.

[LostSoul89]

Morning all!

I've contemplated posting this for days but feared I'd look stupid. The back story is, me, my mum and my 18 year old daughter were watching a film the other night where hostages were being held at gun point and two of them were mother and son. The mother begged for her life to be taken to save her sons.

My daughter asked me if I'd do that for her, to which I replied "Of course, no doubt about it DD" . My daughter then asked my mum if she would do the same for me, to which she hastily replied "No". We thought she was joking at first but she was adamant she would put herself first. I got quite upset and said I would rather she had just lied to me.

It's not even the first time she's shown how selfish she is - two weeks ago I was staying at hers overnight and we thought we heard an intruder and she practically pushed me down the stairs to go and check! To add insult to injury - my mum is a fit, young 60 year old and I have disabilities that require a walking stick to walk.

Some people might think I'm being pathetic but I'm so hurt, I can stop thinking about what she said to me. I could maybe understand if I was a douche bag of a daughter but I'm not.

AIBU?

Oooffttt that would be very hard to forgive and forget. Yikes.

Were you a teen mum by any chance? Do you stay over with your mum regularly?

A similar situation played out between my DM & DSis but I won’t get into it if it doesn’t apply to you.

@MrsSkylerWhite What did you say to that? I would've been seething.

@QueenOfTheLabyrinth I was and no. Why is that?

I think you're being a bit precious, it was a throwaway comment over a hypothetical situation. Would you really want someone else to die for you? I wouldn't. I don't think it's weird to not want to lay down your life for another adult. Different if it's your small child of course.

On a slight tangent I do think it's odd how infantilised we are all becoming these days. Everyone seems to want to be treated like a helpless child. (Has anyone seen the new BA advert? Promoting their airline on the basis they treat their passengers like suckling infants). As an adult I think you should be responsible for looking out for yourself, in the main.

I’m 60 plus and don’t think my life is worth any less because of that, but I absolutely would die to save my adult children. I’d also kill to protect them. Pretty sure my own mother wouldn’t have done though.

I know my children have a feeling of security about my love that I never had

I also think that your mum has already devoted years of her life to raising you and caring for you. Is that not enough? People saying "you don't have a mother" over this comment, disregarding the years of her life she's spent on you, are quite wrong I think.

Many posters skim read on here then answer what they think they've read. It's annoying!

Op says: I got quite upset and said I would rather she had just lied to me.

So this is the bit I'm saying yabu about. She might not have started the topic but she wasn't a quiet bystander to the conversation.

@Mumoftwo1312 I did say I'd rather she'd have lied at the end of their conversation because it hurt my feelings. I didn't say anything else but "I would have rather you'd lied" and even that was said with a chuckle.

I didn't say to her "You should want to die for me"

I would die for my child, he’s 27, but always my child. Obviously I can’t 100% know what I’d do if the situation arose but that’s how I would want to act.

My dad on the other hand, it wouldn’t even enter his head to put someone else before him.

I don't think you're wrong to be upset. It's essentially asking who do you love most, me or yourself? I'd give my life for my DS in an instant. And even if I don't know what I would actually do if put in that situation, I love my child enough that my instant response would be that of course I would put my child above myself.

I remember reading in the news not too long ago about a woman who asked her daughter who was safe locked in her room and could have gotten away/help, to let an intruder abuse her becuase he was threatening the mother with a knife. I cannot for the life of me wrap my head around that thought, I'd rather die fighting than allow my child to be hurt like that.

So surely that makes it even more ridiculous to get upset about?

I was thinking that - regardless of her feelings for me, I know my mum would take a bullet for me in a heartbeat for my young children's sake.

OP I think what she said was heartless, especially as no actual sacrifice was needed, it was only hypothetical!

Double post.

Agreed

I don't care if my child is a pensioner. I'd still be jumping in front of that train to save them.

Shocked that some wouldn't tbh.

@LandArt I still had to listen to it.

There was this famous experiment, can't remember who did it, might've been Harlow.

spoiler for animal cruelty, wouldn't happen today obvs

They got some chimps, all just post partum, each holding their newborn baby and put each mother-baby pair in a separate cage with a heated floor. They gradually turned the heat up on the floor.

At the start the mother chimps all held their babies aloft in their arms to protect them from the heat coming off the floor. Maternal self sacrifice right?

But eventually when the heat on the floor was too agonisingly great, every single chimp mum put her baby on the floor and stood on it to relieve the pain of her burning feet.

Humans are mostly chimp.

Also OP with the best will in the world grow up and chill out x

I can’t ever imagine not wanting to put your children first in this scenario not least because I would want my DC to have the years I had due to being much younger.

@Whatsitcalled38 I can totally believe some people would do that. My mother was more than happy for me to not only go downstairs alone and check for an intruder but said intruder "Might have a knife and I don't want to get stabbed" but it's perfectly OK for me to get stabbed!!

This

I think a few of these replies are way out of step with what the overwhelming majority of mums would do.

Says quite a bit about mumsnetaibu users imo. No wonder the disabled and people on benefits get thrown under a bus on here if some would even see their children die before themselves.

It really is a nest of vipers.

I wonder if there's an element of her feeling that your relationship is at the stage where it's flipped and it's your time to care for her, as so many of us do for aging parents. It's obviously not obligatory in the way care for our children is though!

It does sound like a difficult relationship though, perhaps just don't expect much from her.

I wonder if there's an element of her feeling that your relationship is at the stage where it's flipped and it's your time to care for her, as so many of us do for aging parents. It's obviously not obligatory in the way care for our children is though!

It does sound like a difficult relationship though, perhaps just don't expect much from her.

At 60? My Mum is 76 and doesn’t see us as looking after her yet.

I didn't say it was right or sensible.