My Mother Said She Wouldn't Die For Me.

[LostSoul89]

Morning all!

I've contemplated posting this for days but feared I'd look stupid. The back story is, me, my mum and my 18 year old daughter were watching a film the other night where hostages were being held at gun point and two of them were mother and son. The mother begged for her life to be taken to save her sons.

My daughter asked me if I'd do that for her, to which I replied "Of course, no doubt about it DD" . My daughter then asked my mum if she would do the same for me, to which she hastily replied "No". We thought she was joking at first but she was adamant she would put herself first. I got quite upset and said I would rather she had just lied to me.

It's not even the first time she's shown how selfish she is - two weeks ago I was staying at hers overnight and we thought we heard an intruder and she practically pushed me down the stairs to go and check! To add insult to injury - my mum is a fit, young 60 year old and I have disabilities that require a walking stick to walk.

Some people might think I'm being pathetic but I'm so hurt, I can stop thinking about what she said to me. I could maybe understand if I was a douche bag of a daughter but I'm not.

AIBU?

Would you risk your life if you couldn’t be sure you would save another? What is the point of both of you dying?

Obviously both might die but the aim of risking your life to save another is for neither person to die. I would definitely risk my life to save my children regardless of whether they are adults. You obviously wouldn't but I think most parents would.

I don't think I would want to live with the guilt that someone had died for me.

Why not?

It’s not just women though… I’d expect a dad to sacrifice himself for his kids too…
This isn’t about feminism

I used to have a friend who’s DD jd been doing something in sociology at college, she came home and asked her mum a question about which child she would sacrifice if she could only save 2 out of the 3…. My friend told her it was a ridiculous question and wouldn’t answer… the DD is relentless and kept pushing so the mum said ‘ok I’d save the other 2!….. her DD was really upset.. mums attitude was ‘well you kept pushing and as it was you wanting me to say I’d let one of the younger kids die I just said you to shut you up!
personally I don’t think these type of questions should even be asked!! My DD occasionally asks which dog I’d rescue or give up if I could only keep one… I refuse to even answer that!

I don’t actually think you are right. Mercifully it is a very rare occurrence in our society so few people know what they would do. It sounds good to say. “Of course I would die for you darling” but it is more honest to say you wouldn’t. The only time I can honestly say that I was prepared to put my life on the line for my children was during covid when I would have gladly died if it had meant my children and grandchildren would have been saved from the devastating consequences of lockdown and isolation. Unfortunately, old people like me weren’t asked if we wanted to sacrifice the life chances of the young so that we could have a few more years of living. Had I been asked I would definitely have said “Keep calm and carry on as normal.” I’ll take my chance.

Well, at least you've got a sense of humour! And she's honest (to a fault!)

Your mother has defied two social stereotypes:

1. The old should die to protect the young
2. A parent should never want to watch their child die.

I'm not surprised you're upset. Her reply is horrible, selfish and insensitive. My grandmother survived my uncle and it hurt her so much.

Try never to go to war zones or banks together to minimise the chances of deadly sacrifice being necessary.

Also, try to take it in your stride. She is a dick who she is and you can't or won't change her. Just use her as a "what not to do" guide.

Hope you can move on successfully

@ZeldaFighter Banks and war zones 😂😂😂 Got it!

@ZeldaFighter As I was bleeding out on the bank floor she would be forcing my hand to sign her over my last paycheck 😂😂😂

This is exactly what I think.
Your mother is not responsible for protecting your welfare because you are an adult woman - and have been for some time if you have adult offspring of your own. It would be different if you were a child. or even a younger woman, because there would be a biological imperative to protect you if you had not yet reproduced, but in your case that’s not a factor that’s going to be driving her behaviour.

So you wouldn't risk your life to save them from death but you would so they didn't have to experience lockdown. 🤔

She didn't say she wouldn't, just that it was the only comparable experience she's had.

I remember having a dental hygienist clean my teeth where I must have a nerve exposed. My pfb was a few months old at the time. I realised I did not have what it would have taken to stay in that pain to spare her from harm and it was a devastating realisation. It still bothers me - the limits of our humanity. The pain itself left me oddly shamed, like an animal in a trap.

However I would go to the gallows/step in front of a sniper/walk the plank. Death is fine. And I would expect their father to grab them and run from a danger (I'm disabled and can't run), without looking back.

Dying for someone is not the hardest thing to do.

I remember being 6 or 7 and watching my little brother choking on some food. I was terrified of choking but in that moment, I realised it would be easier for me to go through it myself than have to watch it. That's the first time I remember realising that I really loved someone with all my heart. But even in that there's self interest - you take the pain because love makes it too hard to watch.

I really don't like the implication on here that women are less useful or already served their purpose once they have had kids?!?

As our parents age, the roles reverse a bit. Not to the point where we'd necessarily die for them because they'd want us to live. But a protective element kicks in and it no longer seems appropriate to expect sacrifice from someone more vulnerable than ourselves.

Indeed. And the same goes for 60 year old women!

@EconomyClassRockstar I don't know if that was a dig at me but I don't think my mum is less useful or has already served her purpose at all because of her age.

It is an impossible question to answer because people react instinctively in these situations.mAnd you cannot know what your instinct would be

Why would it be a dig at you?! I was just stating the obvious.

This is precisely why your mother’s life is worth as much as yours.

Yes.

It's nothing to do with whose life is worth more. OP had already said she would sacrifice herself for her mother.

The devastating consequences of lockdown - mental health issues which almost lead to suicide, financial ruin, undiagnosed life threatening illness because of lack of medical care, disruption to education which will have a lifelong detrimental effect. You bet I’d have saved my children from that if I could.

Have your children experienced all those things?