Hen do dilemma

[Anonymoususe]

Invited to friends hen do about 6 months ago, paid my part and not heard anything since?! Also have not received an invitation to the wedding, and the hen do is coming up soon. Have messaged bride asking when the wedding is but no reply. Starting to think I’m not actually invited to the wedding 😂 it’s all very odd. Would I be unreasonable to not attend the hen if I’m not actually invited to the wedding? It hasn’t cost a lot so far, but would involve overnight hotel, travel, drinks food etc worked out it would cost a minimum of £250 for one night. It would would dictate the whole weekend & we don’t get very much time together as a family. Also a cost that I can’t hugely afford at the moment! Obviously I may still be invited, but it is strange to not have had an invite yet right? And no reply from bride? DH thinks I’m overthinking it and should still go even if I / we are not invited to wedding. It would be nice to celebrate with her, and I will be fine with no invite if it’s just a case of having a small wedding due to cost (weddings can be ridiculously expensive) but would like her to explain that to me. At the moment I’m just making a whole lot of assumptions! Have tried asking about wedding planning etc and organising catch ups but it’s all been very vague and slow responses on her part.

It is very odd that there is no hen do whatsapp group and you've handed over money without knowing what the plan is. As you say it's odd they've told you what it is now as if it's been discussed.

As for the wedding it is even more odd if the bride doesn't know. She may be lying about inviting you because it's awkward.

If I were you I'd be tempted to say sorry I can't make the hen and it's unlikely I'll be able to make the wedding because we still don't have details to plan in advance. That might seal it for you though.

@Lampslights

The OP has had to chase both Hen organiser and Bride about her involvement/inclusion (very late in the day) …... she should not have to do that!

The OP then gets a luke-warm response from Hen organiser, and some suspicious sounding excuses from the bride about lack of invitation.

You may call this disorganised, I call it rude and hurtful towards the OP.

I would not put up with this treatment from so-called friend, but crack on if you think it’s ok.

Blimey! She sounds so unorganised, we sent out the date to guests as soon as we’d confirmed bookings, we also sent out information on local hotels and B&B’s which were walking distance from the wedding/reception. This gave everyone NINE months to plan their journey and book accommodation! We STILL had people say they couldn’t come due to holidays being pre booked!! And that was important people like aunts and uncles!… my MIL commented that 9 months wasn’t enough notice for people!!
If the bride hasn’t sent out save the date cards or invites and the wedding is 2 months away then I expect we’ll be seeing a MN post from a disgruntled bride wondering why no one is attending her wedding!!
I think the organisers of the hendo are dreadful! What was the £50 deposit even for if you’re booking your own accommodation? Can you even book a hotel on a bank holiday weekend 10 days in advance? Surely you’d have chased this months ago to benefit from wider choice and cheaper rooms? I know it’s moved location but you must’ve had some communication since paying the deposit to know it was now further away from home?!….. I find it all very odd and I still wouldn’t be surprised if you don’t get invited to the wedding, the bride seems incredibly vague! You spoke to her but still don’t know whether your whole family is invited or even where the wedding is?! Did you have to follow up your text with a call? Or did she call you? I’m wondering if she forgot to invite you, and you’ve reminded her… so now she’s having to source another invite and rearrange her table plan!
Sending out invites 8 weeks before a wedding is very poor form (without save a date cards going out first)…. People might take weeks to respond to her as need to request time off work, book baby sitters and hotels etc….. she might not even find out her final guest list till a few weeks in advance and she needs to give numbers for food at least a month before (in fact I think we had to give numbers 2 months before and could cancel / add people up to a month before!…

And yes, sounds very odd and I wouldn’t bother going. I’d ask for my deposit back! you’ve been totally left out of plans and i find it all very rude! You should’ve been included in the planning and told where, when and what times etc… all sounds appalling and frankly I think the bride and her hen do friends all sound a bit dizzy to be SO unorganised!

Yeah I agree with some posters on here.

I think you were possibly on the 'maybe' list, someone dropped out, and now that you asked her directly she's said yes.

There's no other reason I can think of as to why both bride and hen do planner have dragged this on.

I would decline to come.

Send a text to the bride….
Hi, I have a number of family things that I have been asked to attend in the next couple of months. As I have not yet heard from you about definite plans for your upcoming celebrations I have decided to accept invites to various family events which now means that I will be unable to commit to your hen night and wedding. Thanks for including me though - I hope everything goes well and that you have a lovely day.

Send a wedding card when/if you hear when the wedding is.
You are in control now and have made your intentions clear in good time.
Hope this helps you. X

OP, did you go? And has the wedding happened yet?