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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hen do dilemma

182 replies

Anonymoususe · 24/04/2024 08:11

Invited to friends hen do about 6 months ago, paid my part and not heard anything since?! Also have not received an invitation to the wedding, and the hen do is coming up soon. Have messaged bride asking when the wedding is but no reply. Starting to think I’m not actually invited to the wedding 😂 it’s all very odd. Would I be unreasonable to not attend the hen if I’m not actually invited to the wedding? It hasn’t cost a lot so far, but would involve overnight hotel, travel, drinks food etc worked out it would cost a minimum of £250 for one night. It would would dictate the whole weekend & we don’t get very much time together as a family. Also a cost that I can’t hugely afford at the moment! Obviously I may still be invited, but it is strange to not have had an invite yet right? And no reply from bride? DH thinks I’m overthinking it and should still go even if I / we are not invited to wedding. It would be nice to celebrate with her, and I will be fine with no invite if it’s just a case of having a small wedding due to cost (weddings can be ridiculously expensive) but would like her to explain that to me. At the moment I’m just making a whole lot of assumptions! Have tried asking about wedding planning etc and organising catch ups but it’s all been very vague and slow responses on her part.

OP posts:
Louoby · 27/04/2024 19:21

I'd be making my excuses to bail out at this point tbh

ChampagneLassie · 27/04/2024 20:14

This would drive me mad. I think it’s super rude too. I’d drop out. No way would I be attending something in 10 days with such limited details.

Xmasbaby11 · 27/04/2024 20:36

Given your updates, I wouldn't bother going to the hen. The communication has been terrible about everything and I think you're right to reevaluate the friendship.

HGP · 27/04/2024 20:58

I absolutely would not go to a hen party if I wasn’t invited to the wedding. I’m not paying to bulk up your friendship group and make you look popular if you don’t value me as a guest (with the odd family only/abroad wedding as an exception)

Tenmus · 27/04/2024 20:58

Don't go - sod them all

This. Whether deliberate or careless, it’s shoddy behaviour.

abs12 · 27/04/2024 21:12

I think the whole thing has left a sour taste in your mouth. It's been stressful to date and you feel excluded. If you pull out now, consequently you may not get a wedding invite, essentially saying your friendship is done. If you want to maintain the friendship then be a friend, support the bride and go. If the relationship is all a bit like hardwork then it's probably not a true friendship anyway and it won't matter. But, consider this, if you do go, you might actually have a blast!

ttcat37 · 27/04/2024 21:22

Hmm do you really think she’s 2 months away from the wedding but being disorganised with invites….? Do you think you were either accidentally or not, not sent an invite and now the bride has been cornered she’s made up a shit excuse?
Same for the hen do- you’re not being made to feel welcome, in fact the respond you got would make me feel like they’re trying to put me off going.
I would chalk this one up to a bad experience and sack them all off- they sound like shit friends!

WillJeSuis · 27/04/2024 21:25

Absolute no brainer. Don't go to either. Up to you if you want to try to get your £50 back.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 27/04/2024 21:46

I wouldn’t go

CurlyhairedAssassin · 27/04/2024 21:58

How strange. OP, what have you actually paid FOR? No-one sends money to some random with no clue as to what it was actually for.

I agree that none of it rings true, wedding venues are booked well in advance, often a couple of years. And invitations are the same. Bride usually udnerstands that people have busy lives and need to plan so need plenty of advance notice of an event like a wedding. Otherwise they run the the risk of booking a venue of a certain size, and then half the planned guests can't make it.

So something's not right.

I got added to a stag whatsapp group by the stag organiser and I think it had just been done automatically to all the groom's facebook friends. It is an old friend but not someone I stay in regular touch with IRL cos life. So while I read the discussion around the plans I didn't put forward any opinion as assumed I'd been added just to make everyone the stag knew was included. After a week or two there was a tick box thingy to say whether you were coming an. d then after that if you hadn't ticked it you'd be taken off the planning group. So I didn't tick and I came off the groupchat and that was that. Are you sure you hadn't just been added for that reason? ie just because you were in the bride's contact list or something?

CurlyhairedAssassin · 27/04/2024 21:59

I'm sorry but it doesn't sound like you are close enough to the bride to be going to either the hen OR the wedding. So I think it's been a mistake.

Floralie222 · 27/04/2024 22:25

I'd message the bride and say "Hi, would you mind passing me "Bridesmaid name" contact details as I haven't heard from her in a while and wanted to double check what the hen plans are for next week". When she replies, ask "Also, what are your plans for the wedding day? I wasn't sure if you're having a smaller celebration for the actual wedding or if I'd be invited to come to that part, but I'd love to get you a wedding gift regardless, so please send me your wedding list if you have one!" It's a polite way of finding out and you don't actually have to buy anything from the list 😂

I've been in similar positions before and have concluded that some people are truly awful as bridesmaids! I once went to a hen do where I only knew the bride (we were old colleagues) and right up until the day itself, I didn't know where exactly in East London I was supposed to be going. I even had a message from a bridesmaid saying that the go karting activity was only for the bride's "closest friends". I didn't like to tell the bride too much detail as I didn't want to upset the mood so I just turned up to the evening part and was the life and soul of the party, much to that bridesmaid's annoyance!

I also was disinvited to a wedding of a girl I'd been friends with for 20 years, the invite just never came although I went to her birthday and engagement do, and she swore to our mutual friend (who was a bridesmaid) that I was invited. To this day I don't know what happened as she had a huge wedding and in hindsight I'm very glad I swerved the hen do!

lucindasspunkyfunkyvoice · 28/04/2024 18:44

Sounds like you’re on the back up/reserve list

if course they have sent out invites or at the very least a save the date

i would just take the hint that im not really wanted

pollymere · 28/04/2024 18:59

It all sounds poorly organised to me - both the wedding and the hen do. You need to send a firm email to the hen do organiser asking about hotels etc. And fingers crossed the bride manages to send her invites soon!

Toptops · 28/04/2024 19:19

I find all this hen and wedding ££££ stuff baffling.
If you're good friends, arrange to meet up with her for a nice little meal/drinks before the wedding.
If not, don't.
Do you actually need to be part of a female gang to celebrate with her?

ThistleTits · 28/04/2024 19:22

@Anonymoususe has the wedding been postponed or called off?

MumOfTwoLittleOnes24 · 28/04/2024 20:07

I'm sorry OP, but I think the bride is blatantly lying. She's clearly rescinded her original (verbal) invitation to her wedding and hasn't the good manners to inform you properly (and tbf, there might well have been a good reason for her pulling back on numbers of people she'd originally hoped to invite).

As for the Hen Do organiser, this woman has invited you, requested and accepted a small deposit from you and then cut you out of the loop with arrangements. No apology at all from her when you contact her a few days away from the Hen Do to find out what is going on.

Both the Bride and the Hen Do organiser really are shoddy people.

The bride is no friend and £50 seems a small price to pay to figure this out now rather than a few years down the live when you've been messed about by this selfish narc.

I'd simply cease communication with her. Not even a wedding card through the post.

There's a little evil part of me that would be tempted to accept the wedding invitation (should it actually come) but just not attend and therefore fuck up her seating plan etc.... 😈😈😈😈👿 see how she likes being fucked around...

Stripeysocks1981 · 28/04/2024 20:16

Agreed with previous posters-you’ve been messed around enough. I’d bow out of both at this point.

azlazee1 · 28/04/2024 21:51

Why don't you call instead of messaging and get the answers you really need. I don't think I'd be going if I was left hanging like you have been. Very rude on someones part.

changeme4this · 28/04/2024 21:54

Is it possible the Hen is dragging her heels because she might be having 2nd thoughts re going through with the wedding?

Alternatively Does she need help from her friends with the arrangements? Could it be costing more than they have and she hasn’t made the necessary deposits?

im thinking there’s more going on that isn’t related to you OP.

Teenagehorrorbag · 28/04/2024 22:01

Don't go! They aren't your friends and the bride is flaky, you've made every effort but they whole scenario is crap and you'll be much better off doing something nice with your family!

Donsyb · 28/04/2024 22:04

The only time I got wedding invites that late, the bride left the groom as soon as they got back from honeymoon. So it maybe not all is rosy…..

AlinaSquareQueen · 29/04/2024 07:50

After your recent update OP, I would make the following conclusions:

You’ve been invited to the Hen do, to make up the numbers.

The bride is waiting for someone to drop out before inviting you to the actual wedding.

I absolutely would not be going to either, and the £50 would be a price worth paying to avoid this shitshow of a shambles.

xSideshowAuntSallyx · 29/04/2024 08:01

No bride or groom is so disorganised that they forget to send out the invites (although I didn't get one for my best friend's but he literally put the flight details in front of me, that was as much as was needed in that case).

There's so much bull shit around weddings, inviting people to evening only and reserve lists, you're either good enough to be invited to the whole thing or not at all.

Lampslights · 29/04/2024 08:17

AlinaSquareQueen · 29/04/2024 07:50

After your recent update OP, I would make the following conclusions:

You’ve been invited to the Hen do, to make up the numbers.

The bride is waiting for someone to drop out before inviting you to the actual wedding.

I absolutely would not be going to either, and the £50 would be a price worth paying to avoid this shitshow of a shambles.

I just don’t get these scorched earth paranoid approaches. Clearly this one is far from logical. Of course she’s not waiting for someone to drop out, that would be hugely risky as it’s highly feasible no one will.

and there is simply no indication you are invited to hen to make up the numbers. It’s just ludicrous.

op it all sounds very disorganised.