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AIBU?

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Original poster

Hen do dilemma

182 replies

Anonymoususe · 24/04/2024 08:11

Invited to friends hen do about 6 months ago, paid my part and not heard anything since?! Also have not received an invitation to the wedding, and the hen do is coming up soon. Have messaged bride asking when the wedding is but no reply. Starting to think I’m not actually invited to the wedding 😂 it’s all very odd. Would I be unreasonable to not attend the hen if I’m not actually invited to the wedding? It hasn’t cost a lot so far, but would involve overnight hotel, travel, drinks food etc worked out it would cost a minimum of £250 for one night. It would would dictate the whole weekend & we don’t get very much time together as a family. Also a cost that I can’t hugely afford at the moment! Obviously I may still be invited, but it is strange to not have had an invite yet right? And no reply from bride? DH thinks I’m overthinking it and should still go even if I / we are not invited to wedding. It would be nice to celebrate with her, and I will be fine with no invite if it’s just a case of having a small wedding due to cost (weddings can be ridiculously expensive) but would like her to explain that to me. At the moment I’m just making a whole lot of assumptions! Have tried asking about wedding planning etc and organising catch ups but it’s all been very vague and slow responses on her part.

OP posts:
podcastrunner · 24/04/2024 10:15

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mindutopia · 24/04/2024 10:15

For the hen do, contact the organiser and ask her to clarify the plans and say that you haven't heard anything and will need to pull out if you aren't able to make your arrangements soon. You have very likely missed the point when you could get travel/accommodation arranged at a reasonable rate. It will be quite expensive doing it such short notice. Say that if she can't clarify details, you will need to have your £50 refunded.

As for the wedding, when is it meant to be? It's traditional to send out invites 6 weeks before the wedding, though some people send them sooner or send a save the date. So if you've been given a date/location, then the invite itself may not actually come until much closer to the wedding.

burnoutbabe · 24/04/2024 10:15

I would drop out and lose the £50. the hen/bride clearly isn't that fussed about your attendence that you need worry that you not going will ruin stuff.

if you go, i think you will feel like a spare part. AND make it akward when no invite is forthcoming and everyone else talking about the wedding.

drop out with a polite "issue with childcare" message, they of course can keep the £50.

Original poster
Anonymoususe · 24/04/2024 10:16

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I know one other person. If you would take the time to read the thread, you would know this. Although I’m not sure why it would be so hard to believe that I not know anyone else, if that were the case

OP posts:
Mix56 · 24/04/2024 10:16

Simply ring & speak to the organiser & the bride.
Just say you need confirmation one way or the other.

podcastrunner · 24/04/2024 10:20

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Original poster
Anonymoususe · 24/04/2024 10:22

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The original point is would I be unreasonable not to attend the hen do, if in fact it turns out I’m not invited to the wedding in any way. Why would the hen organiser have any idea about whether or not I’m invited to the wedding

OP posts:
FairFuming · 24/04/2024 10:27

The hen do organisation sounds weird, have your messaged the lady organising it and asked if there is a group chat so that you can get details?

Are you very close to the bride? Could you message again and say you understand things are expensive and you won't be mad at her if you aren't invited but that you were told to expect an invite and haven't received one so this is causing you stress and you just want to know if you are or not?

friendlycat · 24/04/2024 10:27

It is all very odd indeed I agree.

No I would not want to go to the Hen do if not invited to the wedding - unless extremely small with immediate family.

The lack of communication is very poor. Also poor that the bride has not responded to your message as well.

Fine if you are not invited to the wedding, but you just want to know.
I think it makes it very uncomfortable to attend a Hen do if not invited to the wedding with pre wedding talk circulating amongst the group.

Being so close to the Hen do I think I would just have to force myself to phone the bride and clarify as I agree why would the organiser of the Hen do know whether you have been, or not, invited to the wedding.

But the fact the bride has not answered you previously, you don't have a wedding invite etc would suggest you are not invited.

Original poster
Anonymoususe · 24/04/2024 10:30

@mindutopia thank you. It’s helpful to know invitations are traditionally sent 6 weeks before the wedding, although I’ve not been given a date/ location or save the date etc anything like that. Only an ‘expect an invitation soon as we have now booked caterers etc’ but that was 6 months ago…

OP posts:
BoredAuditor · 24/04/2024 10:31

I think at this stage it seems a fair assumption that you're not invited to the wedding.

As for the hen do, you have two immediate decisions.

  1. Plan to still go, even if no wedding invite, but you'd need to contact organiser about plans.
  2. Decide not to attend the hen do and request your £50 back from the organiser on basis you haven't heard anything for ages.

You may go for decision 1, contact the organiser and learn there's been a mix up, you're not on the hen attendee list and not included in activity numbers. So you ask for your £50 back.

You may go for decision 2, find that you are included in all the activity numbers and the hen organiser says she can't refund you as paid upfront. You then need to make decision about still going or dropping out and losing your £50.

podcastrunner · 24/04/2024 10:33

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Hankunamatata · 24/04/2024 10:36

Have you mssaged the person you sent the money to?

Original poster
Anonymoususe · 24/04/2024 10:48

BoredAuditor · 24/04/2024 10:31

I think at this stage it seems a fair assumption that you're not invited to the wedding.

As for the hen do, you have two immediate decisions.

  1. Plan to still go, even if no wedding invite, but you'd need to contact organiser about plans.
  2. Decide not to attend the hen do and request your £50 back from the organiser on basis you haven't heard anything for ages.

You may go for decision 1, contact the organiser and learn there's been a mix up, you're not on the hen attendee list and not included in activity numbers. So you ask for your £50 back.

You may go for decision 2, find that you are included in all the activity numbers and the hen organiser says she can't refund you as paid upfront. You then need to make decision about still going or dropping out and losing your £50.

I think I will give the bride a little longer to get back to me, maybe try to contact her again but then will be following your advice. Thank you

OP posts:
podcastrunner · 24/04/2024 10:51

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Alittlefrustrated · 24/04/2024 10:54

I would assume I'm not invited to the wedding, and ditch the hen do, as that seems to be what you want to do. Accept £50 loss. Make uo excuse ie childcare, so you don't look petty, and lose friendship. How often do you see/speak to bride?

BoredAuditor · 24/04/2024 10:56

OP, just to clarify my understanding, when did you last message bride and ask about wedding invite?

Am I right in thinking wedding is 10 days away or is that wrong?

Original poster
Anonymoususe · 24/04/2024 11:00

BoredAuditor · 24/04/2024 10:56

OP, just to clarify my understanding, when did you last message bride and ask about wedding invite?

Am I right in thinking wedding is 10 days away or is that wrong?

Nearly 3 days ago asking when wedding is, not had a reply. No the hen do is 10 days away, I have no idea the date of the wedding

OP posts:
BoredAuditor · 24/04/2024 11:09

Thanks OP. I can imagine this is a bit stressful for you.

I wouldn't give the bride longer to reply to you. 3 days is a decent length of time now to just reach out to the hen organiser.

If you wait to hear from the bride you may wait forever...

I'm sure you'd feel better to have some clarity from the hen organiser.

Firstworldproblemo · 24/04/2024 11:30

This is definitely weird.

And YANBU to not spend money on the hen if you aren't invited to the wedding.

I have organised and attended a few hen dos and always find it very odd when people not invited to the wedding are invited to the hen, it happens a fair bit.

We got a save the date for a wedding, then no wedding invite last year which I also thought was odd, but it's happened again this year with a different couple. I assume that people get so excited that they send save the dates/ organise hen do participants and then realise how much wedding cost and how many family members they're obliged to invite.

Rewis · 24/04/2024 12:06

I was a MOH to a wedding where the bride made a list of people she'd like to have at the hen do. Some of them were not invited to the wedding. There was a mixed reaction. Soem were excited to attend the hen do. Some declined. When we talked with the bride it was totally normal in her circles to do this.
So there is a chance that you are not invited to the wedding but are invited to the hendo.

If you don't want to attend the hen do then skip it. 10 days away and nothing?! That's weid. Also the bride should just be honest about the invite.

bakermummy21 · 24/04/2024 12:19

If the hen do is only 10 days away I'd of thought the wedding would be pretty soon after that?

Lampslights · 24/04/2024 12:24

Goodness me. Just call the organiser. You can even ask them if they have had an invite.

FestivalFun · 24/04/2024 12:26

As the hen do is only 10 days away I’d assume you have been uninvited to it. You would have had more details/asked for more money by now.
How often are you usually in contact with the bride, the fact that you haven’t been given a the date of the wedding date yet makes me think you are now not invited.
Its all really weird.

Aavalon57 · 24/04/2024 12:27

All sounds very odd to me. I don't blame you for feeling how you do, OP. I think you need to do what someone upthread said. Tell the organiser you assume the hen isn't happening as you haven't heard anything, and can you have your £50 back. That should prompt a response. Also, the lack of communication from the bride suggests you are not invited to the wedding. ☹️