Hen do dilemma

[Anonymoususe]

Invited to friends hen do about 6 months ago, paid my part and not heard anything since?! Also have not received an invitation to the wedding, and the hen do is coming up soon. Have messaged bride asking when the wedding is but no reply. Starting to think I’m not actually invited to the wedding 😂 it’s all very odd. Would I be unreasonable to not attend the hen if I’m not actually invited to the wedding? It hasn’t cost a lot so far, but would involve overnight hotel, travel, drinks food etc worked out it would cost a minimum of £250 for one night. It would would dictate the whole weekend & we don’t get very much time together as a family. Also a cost that I can’t hugely afford at the moment! Obviously I may still be invited, but it is strange to not have had an invite yet right? And no reply from bride? DH thinks I’m overthinking it and should still go even if I / we are not invited to wedding. It would be nice to celebrate with her, and I will be fine with no invite if it’s just a case of having a small wedding due to cost (weddings can be ridiculously expensive) but would like her to explain that to me. At the moment I’m just making a whole lot of assumptions! Have tried asking about wedding planning etc and organising catch ups but it’s all been very vague and slow responses on her part.

I feel annoyed and stressed for you OP.

How odd? I wonder if you've innocently been 'dropped off' the list for the group Hen chat? Worth chasing the Hen Organiser to establish what the plans are as quite rightly, you need to know what's going on for cost/child care etc. I would totally feel the same vibe as you though OP...wondering if you were mistakenly invited!

And 3 days is ample time for bride to send a quick message back. It's rude to have not messaged you already unless there's been a huge family catastrophe that you aren't aware of.

It's getting to the point where I'd probably give up and not bother with either the Hen or the Wedding!

That’s empathy on steroids 😄

The communication really is quite poor. This doesn't help you plan things in any way and really is rather rude.

I find it astonishing that people up thread mention that it's quite common to invite to a Hen do but not the wedding. The only circumstances I can imagine that this would be OK is if the wedding is abroad with limited attendance or limited family attendance only. It's just plain rude to invite to a Hen do but not make the grade for a wedding invite.

If the Hen do is only 10 days away, surely by now accommodation would need to have been booked, restaurants etc. Let alone your own planning in amongst all of this.

It's getting to the point where I'd probably give up and not bother with either the Hen or the Wedding!

I would definitely be feeling like this by now.

I hate this kind of stuff. Just tell people what's going on. 10 days away is absolutely bonkers.

I know you were asking about the wedding OP, but with the hen night being only 10 days away this should be your first concern atm. I would message the organiser of that asking if it's still going ahead has you haven't heard anything back. But I would be preparing myself for the reality that you are no longer invited to either the hen do or the wedding for whatever reason to be honest.

It's weird for the hen organiser not to be in contact. I'd try her again and see what is happening, I'd call her not message.

The wedding invites might not be sent yet, although I sent my about 4 months in advance (with a long RSVP date)

What a strange situation to find yourself in OP
I don’t think I’d be going to the hen. Think I’d wait to hear details and if you do, say you’d assumed it wasn’t going ahead as you’d heard nothing. If the date comes and goes then contact the organiser and ask for your £50 back.
The wedding is when? Sounds to me like you’re not invited, but this all sounds so strange that who knows?!

I wouldn't go to any of it if I were in this situation. I'd send a message to the hen do organiser asking for my £50 back "because I've heard nothing for months" and leave it at that.

I would not expect to get the money back however and would write that off as simply the price you've paid to find out these people are not your friends.

Pick

Up

The

Phone

Wanting to know what's going on isn't obsessing it's just wanting to know.

How weird! I’d be going straight to the person you paid your hen party money to and asking to know what’s going on, 10 days time and no further info/whatsapp chat or similar is really odd.

Maybe the actual wedding date has been pushed back for some reason? But they should be letting people know about the hen at this stage - pls message and report back! :)

Exactly, I like to know what I’m doing and if I had a hen party happening (supposedly) in 10 days I’d expect a plan by now, not knowing anything would irritate me.

Unfortunately with no save the date, invite or even information about the wedding, I think it looks like you’re not invited.

Bit odd to me she said she’d get you an invite once the caterer was booked as I thought you needed rough numbers first (although I’ve never planned a wedding!)

I wouldn’t be surprised if you received an invite the week before, or with little notice, as someone had dropped out, but at the moment it’s fair to assume you’re not invited,

As others had said, if the wedding is small I wouldn’t be offended to go to the hen and not the wedding, but for a large wedding I’d feel very much like I was there to bump up numbers. As you don’t have any info about the wedding, I just wouldn’t go to the hen. I think the bride has been quite rude and I wouldn’t want to spend £250 on someone who’s being so thoughtless.

If I wasn't invited to the wedding, I sure as hell wouldn't be going to the hen-do! It's odd! The entire purpose of the hen-do is it being a 'send-off' for the bride and celebrating her next chapter - the wedding!

Meh, I’m not so black and white. For me there can be lots of reasons, particularly small weddings where it’s only family and a couple of close friends, I’m ok with that, and a bigger hen.

folks really do have some weird rules they make up and then dictate everyone needs to comply with.

Is there any chance that you've just been used to contribute £50 towards the hen do but you're not actually invited to either the hen or the wedding?

It sounds bizarre but it's a scenario that has been coming up a lot on Mumsnet recently.

Personally, I wouldn't bother going to a hen do if I wasn't invited to the wedding.

I'd be assuming you are not invited to the wedding or the hen do, to be honest.

It's incredibly rude of both bride and hen do organiser not to have been in touch. Even if invitations / details do materialise, I'd decline the whole thing.

Definitely do not go booking anything lie accommodation that you cannot cancel without full refund.

Just a bit out there - any change the wedding has been called off and they've not thought to tell you? Stranger things have happened.

I'd find this very odd OP, so disorganised.

I also wouldn't dream of inviting people to the hen do who weren't invited to the wedding. Surely there will be a lot of wedding talk at the hen do and that would exclude people. Very rude.

This seems very disorganised. I would be inclined to message the organiser saying that it seems that the hen isn’t going ahead - please confirm and refund if necessary etc etc. But calling her would be even better.

I always thought that the hen do was meant to be the females closest to the bride and would have expected them to get a wedding invitation. On here though there seem to have been cases where they invite women they are not particularly close too just to keep the costs down without no intentions of inviting them to the wedding.

I am sorry but it doesn't sound like you are getting any type of wedding invitation and they have ghosted you shamefully about the hen do. Really, the bride could simply say that the wedding is very small and they have invited very few people. If they changed their mind about you attending the hen do, they should have refunded your money and made some face saving excuse.

Given their behaviour, I am not even sure if you are invited to the hen do because wouldn't there have been lots of communications and arrangements being made with you if you were?

This is not you being non-neurotypical but them being very rude. I would just ask for my 50 pounds back because it is beyond rude to keep it in the circumstances. I would spend the money on a weekend with my own family.

This is so weird. I'd feel awkward about all this too (I'm not ND), it's an uncomfortable situation to navigate.

It could have all been communicated by email and they got your email address wrong or it went to the spam folder.

You really need to call the bride and let her know that you've received no communication about the hen do or the wedding and want to know where you stand on both. Just say "Im sure you're busy so I haven't wanted to bother you but I haven't received any information about either event. Can you please tell me whether I'm still invited, it's fine if I'm not but I do need to know so I can plan around it."

I'm nd & wouldn't be able to cope with this at all.

I'd also struggle to call too.

If they take £50 with no invites, that is theft!

Lots of good advice on here, but I would do exactly as advised above.

As previously said by a PP, you’ve been shamefully ghosted by the Hen do organiser, who as another PP said, has effectively stolen £50 from you (as things stand).

It’s feasible that you’ve been quietly dropped from the wedding guest list, therefore the bride is too embarrassed to want you at her Hen do, but no one wants the difficult job of telling you.

This all amounts to disgraceful behaviour and I’d be relieved to not have to go, if that’s the case, because these people don’t sound like actual friends.