Hen do dilemma

[Anonymoususe]

Invited to friends hen do about 6 months ago, paid my part and not heard anything since?! Also have not received an invitation to the wedding, and the hen do is coming up soon. Have messaged bride asking when the wedding is but no reply. Starting to think I’m not actually invited to the wedding 😂 it’s all very odd. Would I be unreasonable to not attend the hen if I’m not actually invited to the wedding? It hasn’t cost a lot so far, but would involve overnight hotel, travel, drinks food etc worked out it would cost a minimum of £250 for one night. It would would dictate the whole weekend & we don’t get very much time together as a family. Also a cost that I can’t hugely afford at the moment! Obviously I may still be invited, but it is strange to not have had an invite yet right? And no reply from bride? DH thinks I’m overthinking it and should still go even if I / we are not invited to wedding. It would be nice to celebrate with her, and I will be fine with no invite if it’s just a case of having a small wedding due to cost (weddings can be ridiculously expensive) but would like her to explain that to me. At the moment I’m just making a whole lot of assumptions! Have tried asking about wedding planning etc and organising catch ups but it’s all been very vague and slow responses on her part.

Or the wedding is off

Just to be clear I have not paid £250. This is how much it will cost once I’ve paid hotel/ travel/ food & drinks etc, which is why I'm trying to decide now whether I pay for a hotel or not. There were 3 different options for hen do, I chose the ‘middle’ option which doesn’t include staying for 3 nights (couldn’t commit to that at the time as DH has to work on some of those days so would have no one to look after the children). So maybe the people who are attending the full thing are in a group chat? I don’t know the others though.
Hen organiser is not the bride

The only thing that makes any sense of this hen is if you are expected to organise own trains and hotels and you missed that point. Ie you know you have paid for a day of whatever in x place. So hen assumes everyone organising own way of getting there.

I'd check how much hotel and trains are -if reasonable price then chase hen organiser and don't if not. I assume you could share its other friend? But I'd book nothing more until I had had confirmation from someone

Yes the ones who aren’t attending the full 3 day shebang will be making their own way/ organising own accommodation. Which is what I will (or maybe won’t) be doing. So wasn’t too worried about not hearing from hen do organiser yet as just need to know where we are meeting/ what time etc final detail type of things. My main concern is whether or not I am actually invited to the wedding, or why I’ve not heard back from the bride yet. Not looking like I am as I don’t even know the date

Also doesn’t help that when it was first mentioned, the location was a lot closer to where I live so would’ve been cheaper to get to / not involve an overnight stay. But that then changed so I will need to get a hotel & further travel to account for

Sorry, I meant phone the bride to ask about the hen night arrangements, not whether or not she has been invited to the wedding.
whilst some brides might not want to know the plans for their hen night, so that they have a surprise, if OP has already paid a deposit, it’s reasonable for her to ask the bride about the hen night.

OP, how much have you paid for the hen do so far? Would losing that be better than paying for the hotel and travel ?

Do people do this - invite lots of friends to the hen do but no wedding invite?? Thats odd imo

I’ve paid £50 for the hen do. Wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world if I lost that money. It’s just strange that I don’t know what’s going on with the wedding, and disappointing if anything

How close of a friend are you? How often do you speak?

The only thing I can think is that maybe I wasn’t supposed to be invited to the hen do originally. But then why would the bride say to expect a wedding invite soon? Unless wedding costs became too much and she had to make decisions about who to invite. Happy to take that on the chin but disappointing not to be told.

Depends on the wedding a bit. If it’s a function for 70 people then you are right to then bow out of the hen, if the wedding is 10 family members at a registry office then I think you should take a second thought about then hen do.

If you can’t afford it that is different though

This is bizarre - how stressful for you OP when it's ten days away! I would get very firm with the hen organiser now. Say (in a polite way) you'd like a plan or your money back. Keep us updated!

If she doesn't respond, tell her I assume I'm no longer invited to the hen and wedding and please refund £50.

OP I know you've contacted the bride but have you contacted the hen organiser to ask what the plan is?

That's really annoying. Can you phone the bride and speak to her?

Message hen organiser. Find out what's happening. You're leaving it late to sort accomodation as it is so you need to do this urgently. Then make a decision.

How close a friend is bride? Do you see her often etc? Surely the wedding is on the next month or so? Do you even have availability on your diary for a last minute wedding? I think you either accept you're not invited and decide on hen do accordingly, or message her directly and say hey you said about a wedding invite a while ago, we've your hen do on x date so I'm just trying to ascertain if we're still invited as I've been trying to keep my diary flexible awaiting a date. Understand of circs have changed, just want to be clear etc.

So much hoo-ha can be avoided by simply having a conversation. Get in touch with the hen organiser, or anybody who is going to the hen. Your friend who is in the same position as you should do the same.

Stop assuming and find out what's going on !

Do you maybe like a bit of drama? Just call the hen organiser.

No I do not like drama @Lampslights , quite the opposite. I am autistic so do struggle with social norms. I’ve not been to many weddings and this is the first of my friends who has had a traditional wedding, I don’t really know what is normal to expect and find it very awkward to keep asking if I’m invited or not as it feels embarrassing to me.

You need to contact the person you paid and say you need that £50 back since your invite hasn’t arrived and there was clearly a mix up. It doesn’t seem like you are invited and maybe shouldn’t have been invited in the first place so you are totally within your right to have your money back and I’d go in firmly with this.

No. This was done via a private message. I assume a generic message was sent out to different people. I gave the organiser my number at the time when I paid & said which but I was coming to, incase there was to be any group chats, but never got added to anything