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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Hen do dilemma

182 replies

Anonymoususe · 24/04/2024 08:11

Invited to friends hen do about 6 months ago, paid my part and not heard anything since?! Also have not received an invitation to the wedding, and the hen do is coming up soon. Have messaged bride asking when the wedding is but no reply. Starting to think I’m not actually invited to the wedding 😂 it’s all very odd. Would I be unreasonable to not attend the hen if I’m not actually invited to the wedding? It hasn’t cost a lot so far, but would involve overnight hotel, travel, drinks food etc worked out it would cost a minimum of £250 for one night. It would would dictate the whole weekend & we don’t get very much time together as a family. Also a cost that I can’t hugely afford at the moment! Obviously I may still be invited, but it is strange to not have had an invite yet right? And no reply from bride? DH thinks I’m overthinking it and should still go even if I / we are not invited to wedding. It would be nice to celebrate with her, and I will be fine with no invite if it’s just a case of having a small wedding due to cost (weddings can be ridiculously expensive) but would like her to explain that to me. At the moment I’m just making a whole lot of assumptions! Have tried asking about wedding planning etc and organising catch ups but it’s all been very vague and slow responses on her part.

OP posts:
PlantLight · 27/04/2024 16:03

I’d message the he mn organiser and say are you still invited to the hen donor was it an oversight. Then enjoy not having to go

PlatinumMoon · 27/04/2024 16:43

I’ve organised a hen do where many attended for different days/nights and, although complicated, managed to work out a fair division of the charges applied to each hen according to what they were ‘costing’ over a 3 night residential self catered weekend, with external spa visits, etc.

If you don’t get a reply from the Bride over the weekend, as others have suggested, it does seem that you’ve been eliminated from the invitation list but you are not being given the common courtesy of a simple text saying sorry, but numbers, blah blah ….. etc. She doesn’t deserve your reluctance to bow out without claiming your money back.

As you originally paid £50 as a deposit for a day and evening at a venue closer to you and this later changed requiring an overnight stay, I think you should contact the hen organiser and say you would like the money refunded.

The estimated costs are simple to work out, based on meal / drinks price, activity, etc. and you’ll then realise your £50 won’t be much compared to the individual costs for others attending for the whole lot.

You shouldn’t lose your £50 - if you feel embarrassed to ask for it back, wouldn’t you rather it go to a charity of your choice rather than to subsidise a selfish and discourteous friend who is too cowardly to contact you.

Value yourself! You’ve been excluded from the hen do group chats and are being deliberately kept in the dark. Just send your bank info. to the hen organiser and ask for £50 to be transferred back immediately with a simple explanation that you feel disconnected from the group and haven’t wanted to pressure the bride. Suggest the easiest solution for everyone concerned is to have your funds refunded immediately. Your part of the overall costs won’t have been finalised yet as final numbers for activities, meals, etc. are probably due around now.

Good luck

Anonymoususe · 27/04/2024 16:44

Thanks to everyone for taking the time to respond! I spoke to bride & outright asked if I’m invited - I am. apparently she’s been terrible with the invitations and the wedding is 2 months away. Not sure if I will be attending or not because I still don’t know WHERE the wedding is/ timings or if it’s just me or my family included in the invitation. The date is a really tricky one for me and would take a lot of effort in moving things around to enable me to go. I’m not sure if I’m willing to make the effort to be honest as the whole situation has left me feeling really baffled over our friendship. I spoke to the hen organiser and asked what the plan is, got a pretty short but sweet message “we are meeting at this time & at this place” so I’m feeling quite unwelcome as it comes across as though it’s all been organised and I’m the last to know. Would I have been told if I didn't ask? I don’t know anyone else going, the 1 person I did know has now dropped out. The conclusion is I’m still not really sure what I’m going to do!

OP posts:
LittleMonks11 · 27/04/2024 16:46

Don't go - sod them all

Coldupnorth87 · 27/04/2024 16:46

Oh, I'd just swerve it altogether...

MrsMiddleMother · 27/04/2024 16:47

Just don't go OP, to the hen or wedding. Use the time with your family and save the money. If you hadn't chased it they probably wouldn't have said anything to you. Request the £50 back but if they refuse, just take it on the chin.

newyorkhotel · 27/04/2024 16:48

FestivalFun · 24/04/2024 12:26

As the hen do is only 10 days away I’d assume you have been uninvited to it. You would have had more details/asked for more money by now.
How often are you usually in contact with the bride, the fact that you haven’t been given a the date of the wedding date yet makes me think you are now not invited.
Its all really weird.

I also agree with this. Its not "stressing" for goodness sake to want to know if you are going to hen event in 10 days or not- you cant just tell people the night before what the plans are FFS, people have lives and plans. How long is she supposed to wait- until the day itself just in case she gets a summons to be there?

I think they've ghosted you. I would be texting the hen do organiser and saying you want your deposit back as you have heard nothing from anyone and its in 10 days and have now made other plans since noone has got in touch.

I wouldnt be texting the bride again either, I just wouldnt go to her wedding. People cannot leave it so late to let people know what's going on, it's rude and stupid.

Niallig32839 · 27/04/2024 16:49

It seems strange if she’s a friend you don’t know the wedding details even without the invite. Has she not talked about it in the time she’s been planning?

at this late stage I probably wouldn’t bother going or if I did go expect the friendship to fizzle out soon afterwards

newyorkhotel · 27/04/2024 16:50

Just saw your update- bloody hell. Dont bother doing anything. If you have to push for this info it cant be that important to them that you're there

diddl · 27/04/2024 16:54

Has the one person you know who has dropped out had a refund?

I'd ask for money back & not go tbh.

What was the money for do you know?

LoveWine123 · 27/04/2024 17:13

I have a feeling your friend has not been honest with you about the wedding. There is no way she doesn’t know where the wedding would be…who does that in the UK? I would do what others have advised and not go, I would also ask for my deposit back from the hen night as they clearly are not arsed if you go or not and haven’t bothered to tell you. This is all very rude and inconsiderate and I’m sorry they have treated you that way.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 27/04/2024 18:06

As the only person you did know has now dropped out, I would not go if I were you - as that means you only know the bride.

if that means losing £50, so be it

better that than spending another £250 or however much it turns out being.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 27/04/2024 18:08

and as the date of the wedding is tricky for you, I would decline once I had received my invitation.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 27/04/2024 18:08

LoveWine123 · 27/04/2024 17:13

I have a feeling your friend has not been honest with you about the wedding. There is no way she doesn’t know where the wedding would be…who does that in the UK? I would do what others have advised and not go, I would also ask for my deposit back from the hen night as they clearly are not arsed if you go or not and haven’t bothered to tell you. This is all very rude and inconsiderate and I’m sorry they have treated you that way.

" I still don’t know WHERE the wedding is/ timings or if it’s just me or my family included in the invitation. "

I think @LoveWine123 is right. You spoke to the Bride directly and she still didn't tell you Where or Time.. what does terrible with invitations mean anyway. No one has been invited yet?
It just doesn't ring true.
The brevity of the hen message on top of the complete lack of communication in the run up after you paid them £50 is also odd. I can't believe the whole Hen party have no idea where the wedding is and what time to turn up.

Both the Bride and the Hen being so uncommunicative is downright rude, and pointless... why string you along like this?
I hope you get your money back from the Hen. Taking your money and then not communicating with you is awful.

Beautiful3 · 27/04/2024 18:15

That's pretty poor form from the bride and organiser of the hen. I'd not bother going to either, and forget the £50. I'd feel massively unwelcome at this point, like it didn't matter if I came or not to either! I'm pretty sure her family have had invites by now?! Otherwise how did she confirm numbers for food?! Don't go.

Createausername1970 · 27/04/2024 18:28

The Bride sounds an organisational nightmare and it also seems like the hen do has been organised and you haven't been kept in the loop.

I think I would be swerving both!

SkaneTos · 27/04/2024 18:33

Thank you for the update, OP!
Good to hear that you are invited to the wedding.

From your update, and from the whole thread, I can understand that you are feeling a bit uncertain about attending the events.
Do what feels right for you, and what works for you and your family.

Thriving30 · 27/04/2024 18:37

The bride hasn't chosen a very reliable hen organiser has she.
And 2 months notice for a wedding isn't very much notice at all, I'd be surprised if all the invited guests are able to attend.
I wouldn't go if it were me.

Tartantotty · 27/04/2024 18:44

Oh dear. This isn't good. Personally, it all sounds seriously fishy. Seems the hen do is off the calendar and, even it it was still on, I'd definitely call off...

Do you know the hotel in question? If so, call it and find out if there is a booking.

Tbry24 · 27/04/2024 18:47

10days and no details! I’d just not go as that’s not fair to anyone.

as for weddings invites are sent out traditional at least 3months in advance and if you have guests travelling or with children etc usually you’d allow 6 months.

i am also autistic and don’t like these sorts of things at all and if I got bad feeling unwelcome vibes I’d just not go. I’d send a nice gift to the bride and groom and wish them well and hope to see thrm after the wedding and see the photos.

burnoutbabe · 27/04/2024 18:49

Re the hen I'd probably just diplomatically be sick on the day. And thank organiser fir the details (and just don't book hotel etc)

You won't get £50 back but that's fine. It's unclear if they refused to tell you details ages ago or if you just never asked the hen organiser until how?

Then consider wedding as the invite appears.

Tbry24 · 27/04/2024 18:52

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 27/04/2024 18:08

" I still don’t know WHERE the wedding is/ timings or if it’s just me or my family included in the invitation. "

I think @LoveWine123 is right. You spoke to the Bride directly and she still didn't tell you Where or Time.. what does terrible with invitations mean anyway. No one has been invited yet?
It just doesn't ring true.
The brevity of the hen message on top of the complete lack of communication in the run up after you paid them £50 is also odd. I can't believe the whole Hen party have no idea where the wedding is and what time to turn up.

Both the Bride and the Hen being so uncommunicative is downright rude, and pointless... why string you along like this?
I hope you get your money back from the Hen. Taking your money and then not communicating with you is awful.

I agree. To book your wedding with the registrar you have to give them the dates, times and location to confirm someone can come out and marry you so of course the bride knows all of this. And by now she would need to know numbers to give to the venue for food and evening do etc. so none of this rings true, I used to work at a venue years ago and usually planned for 18months to 2years.

I definitely would not believe a word of that and would not attend any of it.

MillyMollyMandy01 · 27/04/2024 19:12

Check your junk emails just in the wedding invitations were sent via email & some use a 3rd party to do it, so may have got caught in your junk mail.
But if nothing there, take it you’ve not been invited to the wedding.
Wedding invites would definitely have gone out by now.

Then decide if you want to go to the hen. If you do, phone the organiser and ask for more details. If you don’t, still phone the organiser and ask for your deposit back on the basis that nobody’s contacted you about it at all.

I’m sure if you go to the hen, you’ll find others there who aren’t going to the wedding. It’s not unusual for a group of wider friends & colleagues to go to the hen celebrations without them all being invited to the wedding, although most often they would be invited to the evening do.

TerfinUSB · 27/04/2024 19:20

If I was in your position I wouldn't go to either the hen or the wedding. It all sounds too stressful.

jollygreenpea · 27/04/2024 19:20

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 27/04/2024 18:06

As the only person you did know has now dropped out, I would not go if I were you - as that means you only know the bride.

if that means losing £50, so be it

better that than spending another £250 or however much it turns out being.

100% this.

Also seems that you're on the reserve list, if someone drops out you get the invite. Stuff that.