Hen do dilemma

[Anonymoususe]

Invited to friends hen do about 6 months ago, paid my part and not heard anything since?! Also have not received an invitation to the wedding, and the hen do is coming up soon. Have messaged bride asking when the wedding is but no reply. Starting to think I’m not actually invited to the wedding 😂 it’s all very odd. Would I be unreasonable to not attend the hen if I’m not actually invited to the wedding? It hasn’t cost a lot so far, but would involve overnight hotel, travel, drinks food etc worked out it would cost a minimum of £250 for one night. It would would dictate the whole weekend & we don’t get very much time together as a family. Also a cost that I can’t hugely afford at the moment! Obviously I may still be invited, but it is strange to not have had an invite yet right? And no reply from bride? DH thinks I’m overthinking it and should still go even if I / we are not invited to wedding. It would be nice to celebrate with her, and I will be fine with no invite if it’s just a case of having a small wedding due to cost (weddings can be ridiculously expensive) but would like her to explain that to me. At the moment I’m just making a whole lot of assumptions! Have tried asking about wedding planning etc and organising catch ups but it’s all been very vague and slow responses on her part.

I wonder if there's more going on here. Either the bride is having some personal issues, or there has been a mix up either with the what's app group or the hen party arrangements.

If you don't hear anything today, I'd text the hen party organiser and ask her.

Incidentally, we only have one free weekend for months, I probably wouldn't be able to attend if someone gave me 6 weeks notice for a wedding!

I feel for you OP as this is v frustrating. I would contact the hen organiser & I think I would actually be re-considering how close a friend the bride actually is. They're being incredibly rude.

In your shoes I would decline the hen & ask for my money back on the basis that they left it too late, provided zero details for you to plan around.

Where I'm from it's highly unusual to invite people to the hen but not the wedding. That would be considered very odd. The only way I've ever seen thar happen is where someone cannot attend the wedding (due date / surgery in one case / clashing dates etc) but they were invited to both..

It's not you - it's definitely them! Hope you get answers soon.

Have you asked the hen organiser?

The hen is in a week and you've still not heard? I'd write off the £50 and not bother to be honest.

Any update OP?

That’s a really rude way to be treated.

a) it is entirely reasonable not to go a wedding if you have only been invited to a hen.

b) it is safe to assume you will not be invited to a wedding at this stage. 6 weeks might have been tradition but I have barely seen an invite with less than 6 month notice for years. Too much cost and expense and the bride needs to know numbers.

c) contact the hen cc’ing the bride and your other friend, say that as you haven’t had a response from either of them on arrangements for either the hen and it is now too late to book reasonable accommodation you will have to regretfully bow out. State that you feel it’s entirely reasonable to ask for your deposit back within 10 days given the position you’ve been put in. Wish them well for the weekend.

d) plan something nice for the BH weekend with your family.

e) message the bride, say that you hope everything is ok and it’s just that she’s busy. If you value her as a friend, by all means suggest some drinks or a lunch to celebrate her pending nuptials with your mutual friend. If there is time. Before her wedding. Whenever that is.

I would be cross if someone hadn't replied to me after 3 days, especially as you are going out of your way to attend these events.

I think I would take myself out of the situation altogether by now. Whether you're invited or not is almost irrelevant as they aren't being very polite to you in ignoring your messages.

I would probably say somethig along the lines of, 'unfortunately I do not know the details of the hen party, I am unable to organise accomodation etc. If my original deposit could be returned that would be great. '

To the bride, I would ask for an adress to forward a card(I would not put a gift in) and if that prompts a conversation you can explain why you will/won't be attending.

If need be, make an excuse to avoid feeling like you will upset anyone. Depends on how you want to maintain the friendship in the future. However, no one has been mindful of your feelings.

Sorry you have been treated this way.

Hello hen organiser, is it still on? Yes. Okay, and what's the wedding date? This will tell you all you need to know. Hen organiser I assume is close to the bride. She'll def know if you're invited or dropped. It won't be her words, it'll be her tone. Call her.

Is it still on? No. Okay, end of. Look forward to getting my money back.

I feel for you, good luck!

Sorry op but the bride is ghosting you, I don’t think you are invited to the hen do or the wedding. They would have needed more money from you by now, and you would know the details, there would also be a group chat.

text the organiser and ask for your £50 back, and step back from the bride, the friendship maybe be salvageable after the wedding or not.

Exactly!! Self-entitled bridezillas that have no awareness of any one else's social, familial or financial situation, and are so consumed (for years, even!) with their wedding.

They seem to have lost touch of all reality.

Why would you invite someone to your hen-do and not your wedding, or at least the evening event of the wedding?!

Oh no, I wouldn't be out of pocket because of their whims!

I'd chase that £50 refund!!

Definitely message saying you assume the hen is off and ask them if they need your bank details to return your deposit.

This is incredibly rude / weird. Either you’re not invited to the wedding (weird and rude when you were invited to the hen) or the bride is incredibly disorganised and clueless and can’t fathom that people need more than a few weeks notice for an event (annoying and rude).

Agree with this.

OP you can either take the time out or it. Don't make the friendship dependent on the wedding invitation.

Just choose whether or not you still want to go to the hen do. Bit remiss of the bride not replying to your messages., I suppose if somebody else is organising the hen do thry might not know if everyone is invited to the wedding.

Ring her. Tell her you are not going to either and ask for your £50 back. She has treated you really badly. I can't imagine why you would want to go to either event.

I’d not be going to the hens. Not sure I’d bother letting anyone know but I can be petty! If they can’t be bothered communicating with me why would I bother communicating with them? I also assume you’re not invited to the wedding and they’re all a bit shit.

Personally if I didn't have enough of a relationship with a woman to know when her wedding was, if it was big or small and if I were invited, not to mention the sort of friendship where I could call, message or speak to her and find out, then I'd not be spending £250 on going to her hen do. Unless I really wanted the night/weekend away for its own sake.

I wonder what the outcome is considering the Hen do is now a week away.

This is a very strange situation!

How close actually are you to the bride?? The friends who came on my hen do were close friends I saw lots of/were in touch regularly with and obviously knew when my wedding was because we talked about it lots! (Plus the fact I sent wedding invites!) I’m guessing you haven’t even see the bride in 6 months??? Or spoken???? You can’t be close surely?

You need to contact the organiser of the hen do as the bride might not know anything about the finer arrangements of the hen do.

If they don’t reply within 24 hours ask again and say they need to refund you your £50 if circumstances have changed.

OP call the bride and hen do organiser.
Don't text call. If no response don't make plans or go to either. Life is too short.

I would contact the person organising the hen do ASAP. Check if it's still happening as it's only 10 days away. If you don't want to go to the hen, if you're not being invited to the wedding, then pull out and see if you can get your money back. If you want to go to the hen, regardless of the wedding, then you probably need more details.

Regarding the wedding I would give the bride the weekend to get back to you. She may be embarrassed at having told too many people they would be invited, before she actually worked out numbers and the guest list (that doesn't excuse her not answering you). Then try calling her, if she's not answering messages. The hen organiser will know the wedding date.

I’ve never heard of wedding invitations going out 6 weeks before the wedding, 6 months yes, but not weeks.

This. 100 per cent.