To not want to pay?

[Skint2022]

Unfortunately I can no longer attend an event due to childcare issues. I have asked the group if they know anybody else that could take my place. Nobody has replied on the group chat. They don’t seem bothered that I can’t attend but I’ve since spoken to a member and they are expecting me to pay the final balance which is £100. It would work out to be an extra £10 per attendee if they split my cost between them. I can’t work out if I’m being unreasonable or not for not wanting to pay. The event is 5 months away so I’m not calling off last minute and I’ve already paid a large chunk in the form of a deposit which I’m not expecting back. I thought that was the whole point of a deposit? Anyway, should I suck it up and pay the £100 or is it reasonable to ask everyone else to pay an extra £10 if they can’t find anyone else?

One of the big issues OP is if they had offered to split the cost between them and then someone else drops out the might feel obliged to do the same again and so on. Obviously this is not really on.

I think you’ve had quite a harsh deal of it on here OP. Plenty of people have mentioned that they are shocked you can’t get childcare 5 months in advance when we have no idea of what your situation is. It’s a privilege to be able to get childcare and just because they are lucky enough to have it or wouldn’t be in that situation they shouldn’t assume that it’s a made up excuse as some PP are suggesting. My sister is a (recent) single mother of 3, living far away from most relatives and often struggles with childcare even with that much notice. Even so, things change, your regular childcare may have become unavailable, you/ your children may be only comfortable with certain people minding them - I’m surprised at so many MNs being surprised by this and unempathetic of this.

Back to your original question. I think it’s reasonable that you feel upset at the lack of communication after saying you can no longer attend. It may be that they’re thinking about next steps but not wanting to document that all in the group chat.

However it’s unreasonable to expect everyone to offer to pay extra because you can no longer go. Perhaps you could try and find someone to go in your place if they would be happy with that? Offering a solution is often helpful.

If you really do want that £100 back then you could ask the rest of the group if they would be willing to pay an extra £10 for your place (explain that you’re already out of pocket for deposit and have given quite a lot of notice)rather than expecting the organisers to do that or for people to spontaneously offer.

Good luck with all

This is weird. 5 months to go and you can't find a child care solution? Sounds more like you just don't want to go. They probably think that too.

Yes you should pay.

If you’ve given 5 months notice, they can either find someone else or pay £10 if they can’t be bothered to do that. Don’t pay!

You sound quite entitled in your post and it’s possible that’s how you came across to them too. You the one that has caused this issue but rather than offering to pay to put their minds at ease that they won’t be shafted you are expecting them to jump and tell you it’s ok, they’ll pay. You should be jumping to offer to pay and they are probably thinking why is there silence from her and why is she not offering. Woman up and message them to say you’ll pay and you then might get a response from them.

Is this the way you behave with your friends? Make commitments and then flake out and cost them extra?

Why should they pay more or be expected to be the ones to find another person to attend? Why is none of that the responsibility of the OP for flaking out with a pretty dubious childcare excuse?

You made a commitment so should follow through. If you don't, don't expect them to ever invite you to joint them again, or expect them to want the full cost from you up front. There's more at stake than the money for this trip. Unless you don't care about future events or relationships in the group.

Wow your friends are lucky to have you.

Cancelling because of child care issues 5 months in advance seems really flaky IMO. Surely the easiest and cheapest option is to arrange alternative childcare rather than just cancel and expect everyone else to try and sort it out for you by finding someone else.

How to say you've not got a lot of friends, without saying you've not got a lot of friends..

OPs got five months to either

1. Get childcare sorted out.
2. Find her own replacement.

Realistically, what would happen if you don't pay?.would the wrath of the God's rain down on you?.No? Just tell them you ain't paying. An extra tenner each ain't gonna kill them. They've got 5 months to find the money

Maybe offer the place at half price if they can find a replacement?

My thoughts exactly!

You should either pay or find your own replacement, what if 4 more people did the same!

Presumably she likes these people and wants to remain their friend, evidenced by wanting to go away with them in the first place.

I assume you don't actually like this with your friends...

the things you read. I’m stunned you think they should all cough up so you don’t need to pay. 😱

Pay up. You made a commitment. Why should everyone else be charged more?

Your "childcare issues" are not their problem. Of course you pay.

The deposit is to secure the accommodation, nothing more. If you want them to respond you probably have to continue the conversation yourself - 'sorry I can't go, do you think there is anyone else who would be interested, otherwise of course I will pay the balance.' Do you have a baby or older children? I can understand not wanting to leave a baby, but an older child I think you should be able find someone by then.

I think you should pay the balance. The extra £10 each could really impact some people who are on a budget. It's not fair to expect people to pay for you. What happens if 2 or 3 people then don't go, that turns the extra £10 into £30 or £40 each.

Would you walk around and ask people for £10? No of course you wouldn't, so why do you think it's acceptable to do so in the form of your childcare issues

Realistically she'd lose a few friends and wouldn't have the opportunity to go away with them another time.

It's interesting that no one has responded to her saying she can't go, makes you wonder if they're busy rolling their eyes and saying not again!

Realistically, what would happen if you don't pay?

It could cause them to dislike her as she would come across as someone who makes commitments then finds excuses not to keep them.

Personally, I would be happy to absorb the extra tenner.

However, I would definitely see if I could find someone to take my place. I would also be looking to recoup my deposit. Deposits are to secure allocation of something; unless stated, they are fully refundable.

Do you have a history of backing out of things?

I can't stand 'flaky fuckers' as I call them. Some people have commitment issues and their word counts for nadda. If you said you'd go, you really should do all you can to attend.