To not want to pay?

[Skint2022]

Unfortunately I can no longer attend an event due to childcare issues. I have asked the group if they know anybody else that could take my place. Nobody has replied on the group chat. They don’t seem bothered that I can’t attend but I’ve since spoken to a member and they are expecting me to pay the final balance which is £100. It would work out to be an extra £10 per attendee if they split my cost between them. I can’t work out if I’m being unreasonable or not for not wanting to pay. The event is 5 months away so I’m not calling off last minute and I’ve already paid a large chunk in the form of a deposit which I’m not expecting back. I thought that was the whole point of a deposit? Anyway, should I suck it up and pay the £100 or is it reasonable to ask everyone else to pay an extra £10 if they can’t find anyone else?

If it’s a trip with accommodation they might not want to invite just anyone to take your spot? Selling a ticket on to an event is a bit different to having to holiday with someone you weren’t expecting because a person has dropped out.

Your childcare is your issue, they shouldn’t be out of pocket because your situation has changed.

They might want to agree on who to invite in your place. It would really be fair for them to put out a general invitation for your spot and Sandra say she’ll take it, if Brenda hates Sandra and it’s now going to ruin her time if she comes. 🤷🏻‍♀️ You’ve landed this on the group out of the blue, they don’t need to leap to give you a response

If you think the others could easily fill your place but are not bothering because they think you'll pay anyway, you could offer to try to sell your spot. They might be more motivated to choose the replacement themselves.

Of course I would pay if it came to it but me and my friends would try to at least find someone else in the meantime.

Why should they solve a problem that's caused by your issue?

Fine if one of them does know someone who could take your place but the onus is also on you to either find alternative childcare or someone else to go.

Failing all that, unless it's in the T&Cs that you can cancel and lose less money you need to cover the cost not them. You're being a CF to expect to be able to walk away from the commitment and everyone else lose out.

I suspect there was radio silence because you were silent on the cost. If you had said ‘Really sorry, I can’t make it anymore, but I don’t expect any money back’ you would have had a response.

This one’s a you problem. You either pay, sort out childcare and go, or find someone else to fill the spot. It’s not up to your friends to sort for you.

The deposit is a red herring if pulling out will cost extra for the other members of the group. I assume the deposit was paid towards costs of the trip but as your friends aren't the business asking for a deposit you can't expect to pull out with no further expense - you committed to the whole thing and everyone booked on that basis so of course you have to pay the balance if you can't get someone else to take your place.

Does 5 months not give you plenty of time to find childcare or do you really just not want to go?

Childcare isn't the real reason with 5 months notice. I think you're being really bizarre to expect them to leap into action to fix your issue on a matter of a few hours' notice. They aren't your paid admin assistants. Even if they message others to ask them to come, they are unlikely to get a response within the day. Try to find options yourself for someone to take your slot, then ask the group if they work.

How many people have multiple options for overnight childcare? When my children were younger if my partner was no longer available there wouldn't have been any other realistic options for me however far in advance it was, no family near enough

I think you do have to pay up though

So in your message you didn’t clarify your intentions about paying or ask them if they knew someone else who could take your place? If so, it sounds like you’re just dropping out without discussions about the implications for them, so maybe they’re annoyed about that?

I’d add a second message to clarify your intentions, and check if they’re happy for you to ask around too (they might want to make sure they’re happy with anyone you find).

But otherwise, you shouldn’t put the financial burden on them because you can’t go.

Can't you pay a registered nanny rather than miss the event. £100 saved if you do go?

You are unreasonable expecting them to pay more because you can’t attend

It is not however unreasonable to see if someone else can take your place

I’m not sure how many are in the group but maybe they are annoyed that you are the second person to pull out

I think losing your deposit is reasonable, because that's what it's for. But I wouldnt be paying the whole amount, as they could try to fill your space. If not then an extra £10 each is what they would have paid, if you were never going.

Can't understand why childcare be an issue if you 5 months to sort it. Yabu and a bit rude re radio silence comment. You thrown this at them. You need to fix it as it's your problem or fault not these. Either pay £100, find someone to go instead or get some childcare. I bet the group is shocked at your excuse

Similar situation happened for a group holiday I went on a few years ago. One dropped out and then expected the rest of us to split her cost (£30 each). Nope. She wasn't happy but we made plans based on there being 9 of us. If you've committed and the costs have been split based on you in the numbers, you need to pay.

You've let them know, if they can find someone I'm sure they will. You could also ask around directly . Mutual friends etc. but yes, if someone else cannot be found either by you or by them then you're out that money.

I agree with the others querying the fact you can't find childcare for an event happening in 5 months, that's a feeble none excuse that makes it sound like you just don't want to attend.

If it's so easy to find a replacement then that's what you should do. No one else should be expected to pay more just because you now don't want to attend.

No way would I be paying extra because you can't go!

Not if they booked somewhere with space for the OP and they could have booked a cheaper place without her!

Get your childcare sorted out. For five months away. Then go with the group.

Hi OP, I suspect they’ve gone silent because they don’t know how to respond. Whoever responds first will set the tone, so nobody wants to say, “oh no worries! That’s ok!” if they suspect others might think it’s not ok. Equally if they’re pissed off (which they might be, as this is now the second dropout they’ve had to deal with) they probably don’t know if they’re being unreasonable until they’ve checked in with the others, so they don’t want to say anything that will make them look unreasonable.

They’re not a hive mind and can’t know how everyone else in the group feels until they’ve spoken to each other, or they’re hoping someone else will be the first to respond so they can take their lead on it.

Why should others have to pay more because you’ve changed your mind? And that is what it comes down to as with five months to go I find it hard to understand - unless there is a reason you’ve yet to divulge, like specific needs - how you’ve been unable to make alternative childcare arrangements.

You don’t want to go, which is your right, so pay for the privilege of changing your mind. You’ve not given us enough information to determine how easy it is/isn’t in terms of finding a replacement.

When it's tickets to a gig or something, I think that's fine to pass it on to another person, and I've accepted places when someone has pulled out. But with a group of close friends with an accommodation element, I don't think I'd be particularly happy to be offered a place if i was a mutual friend. Maybe I'm overly sensitive but I would hear, "hi friend. We didn't like you enough to invite you originally but now we need your money. Want to come?" It would be a firm no and potentially awkward for all parties. If they asked someone who wasn't already friends with them all, it would change the dynamic of the group. I think you're naive to think it would be so easy to replace you.