To not want to pay?

[Skint2022]

Unfortunately I can no longer attend an event due to childcare issues. I have asked the group if they know anybody else that could take my place. Nobody has replied on the group chat. They don’t seem bothered that I can’t attend but I’ve since spoken to a member and they are expecting me to pay the final balance which is £100. It would work out to be an extra £10 per attendee if they split my cost between them. I can’t work out if I’m being unreasonable or not for not wanting to pay. The event is 5 months away so I’m not calling off last minute and I’ve already paid a large chunk in the form of a deposit which I’m not expecting back. I thought that was the whole point of a deposit? Anyway, should I suck it up and pay the £100 or is it reasonable to ask everyone else to pay an extra £10 if they can’t find anyone else?

Imagine that there are 3 or 4 of you who eventually drop out, the ones remaining would be hugely out of pocket. You need to set precedent and pay up unfortunately.

It just sounds flakey, and it's incredibly annoying to plan something as a group and get confirmation and then suddenly people start dropping out. You can find childcare in 5 months if you want to. I wouldn't reply either - at least not in the way you want - and would still expect you to pay because it's not fair everyone else pays more.

So what if everyone pulls out? Who pays then?

You make a commitment, you follow through with payment or you find someone else to take your place.

I wouldn't be inviting you to anything else in the future if your attitude was that I should be expected to subsidise your lack of childcare 5 months out. If you didn't have it sorted you should have agreed to go.

No, the deposit is to secure the accommodation, but the financial commitment is to her friends.

Some people enjoy a holiday with others, it's not uncommon!

Surely, you understand that people are different?

If its 5 months away don't you have time to sort childcare out?

You'd never get invited anywhere again then 🤷🏼‍♀️

My friendship group has a rule, if anyone drops out and the money can’t be refunded or can’t find someone to fill the space, the person dropping out must still pay. It’s only fair, and what happens if another person drops out, then another, it can easily go from having to find an extra tenner to £50 onwards which is a lot at the current cost of living.

You’ve got 5 months to sort childcare though

Why are you expecting them all to jump and sort it out for you?

You need to ask them explicitly if they would be happy for someone else to take the place. If so you should be asking around yourself not just leaving it to them. You need to find out how to cancel your share with the provider, if it's an individual spot. If it's a bed in a shared room then with 5 months notice I'd not expect to do more than lose my deposit if I'd made an effort to fill it (assuming they were OK with that) or they'd said they didn't want another person.

They may think you are using childcare as an excuse rather than the real reason (I.e. you don’t want to do). It’s quite unusual not to be able to sort any childcare with 5 months notice, as that allows time for settling sessions with a new person and all, so if you really really wanted to go could childcare be arranged?

If someone told me they couldn't attend an event 5 months away due to childcare issues I would think they were using that as an excuse.
Now if you come back and say your child is very unwell and cannot be left that would be quite different.

it's incredibly annoying to plan something as a group and get confirmation and then suddenly people start dropping out

It happens all the time though, like with my cousin who sorted her 70th birthday cruise for a group and paid for the lot upfront, expecting the otther 5 to reimburse her as agreed

Admittedly she must have been mad, but when the inevitable happened she caught a major cold and that was 3 friendships ruined

If it's not for 5 months you have ample time to sort out childcare. It's not like your childcare provision let you down at the last moment. You could find someone else to fill your spot or else you need to pay because you made a commitment.

Shed probably loose the respect of her friends. If they plan another trip anywhere would you trust OP if she said she wanted to go with booking tickets etc if you thought she'd pull out again?

You have 5 whole months to organise childcare. Plenty of agencies out there who would help you.

I'm honestly shocked at the attitude around childcare in these responses. Not everyone is privileged enough to have a 'bank' of people able and willing to provide childcare, especially overnight.

You should pay it and then if they find someone to fill your space within the next 5 months, that person can pay you back.

Yes @LakeTiticaca - 'just tell them you ain't paying' isn't something that would endear me to continue being friends with someone or invite them to future activities/ trips.

Very true, but it's probably the timescale which makes the difference

If the DC had fallen ill or whatever at the last moment that would be one thing - and anyway OP would have paid by then - but it looks a lot thinner as an excuse 5 months out

Also, at least IME, folk will move heaven and earth to sort childcare if it involves something they really want to do, which is perhaps why people are asking if that's the case

I'd expect that you would need to put some effort into filling the space, not leaving it to them. Or sorting alternative childcare with so much notice.

Surely you should be the one to find someone else to fill your place if you want to avoid the extra costs - don;t leave this job to them.

But also, it's five months away - why is it not going to be possible to find suitable childcare in that time?

I think the organiser has made a mistake here in not taking the full amount from everyone, the deposit is pointless if you are still expected to pay the rest when you have dropped out. The full amount should have been paid when you committed to avoid this situation.

This is why for friends trips now, we book our own flights and pay for single rooms. Far easier just to be responsible for your own actions.

Though personally I wouldn't do group holidays, to my mind that's the only way to do it

Apart from anything else it quickly flushes out those who aren't really interested, which makes things clearer for all