To not want to pay?

[Skint2022]

Unfortunately I can no longer attend an event due to childcare issues. I have asked the group if they know anybody else that could take my place. Nobody has replied on the group chat. They don’t seem bothered that I can’t attend but I’ve since spoken to a member and they are expecting me to pay the final balance which is £100. It would work out to be an extra £10 per attendee if they split my cost between them. I can’t work out if I’m being unreasonable or not for not wanting to pay. The event is 5 months away so I’m not calling off last minute and I’ve already paid a large chunk in the form of a deposit which I’m not expecting back. I thought that was the whole point of a deposit? Anyway, should I suck it up and pay the £100 or is it reasonable to ask everyone else to pay an extra £10 if they can’t find anyone else?

I was going to ask how you had childcare at the point of booking but now don’t and I think you may have had an easier ride if you had explained from the start that childcare had fallen through for sad reasons.
As an aside I don’t understand why people start this kind of thread withholding what is essential information in understanding if they are being unreasonable or not. If it’s too “outing” then fair enough but don’t ask aibu because unless we know the reason for the child care falling through how can we judge if your friends are being a little unkind in not offering to absorb the extra cost or not.

Pay up! In the save way as they've got 5 months to arrange someone to take your place you've got 5 months to make alternative childcare arrangements!

When they get together in person for the trip, they may discuss your being unable to come and might decide collectively to cover the cost of your space.

If they are decent, they will all be mindful of your dignity and privacy, they won’t discuss chipping in for your space in front of you on the group chat. If someone on the group chat wrote, “OP had this sad event happen, I think it would be nice to cover the cost of her space between us”, they are probably mindful of the fact that they don’t want you to feel like a charity case, and perhaps not everyone in the group knows the full details of your situation. It would feel very inappropriate to discuss these details on the chat in front of you.

It would also be embarrassing for people who are sympathetic but can’t afford to pay any extra.

It sounds as though there was someone wanting a space who missed out initially when the first person dropped out. So I would pay up, but it doesn’t necessarily mean you won’t get your money returned.

Also it’s five months away. I think they will see what happens and discuss if your space isn’t filled.

Don't pay a penny more. You've paid the deposit, that's all you are obligated to pay. If anyone asks for more money tell them no because you aren't going anymore and that's what the deposit is for.

That’s what the cottage company have asked for, but the op has made a commitment to friends to go and pay the full amount. She should honour that commitment.

When we plan a group trip, it is up to the individual to pay for their share and if they cannot go then find a replacement to pay the remaining balance. The group booked the trip based on you attending. I suppose the question for you is, is this friendship worth it?

They booked the accommodation based on you saying you could go, maybe they could’ve booked smaller/cheaper accommodation if you hadn’t said you were going. You either need to find a replacement or pay the remaining balance.

Maybe I misunderstood....but I thought the OP said the group found a replacement for the previous drop out?

I agree though that the OP should pay her share unless a replacement can be found - that's what I said

I also wondered if the OP has shown CF-ery before, therefore has form and the group is a bit tired of her?

The circumstances make the difference here. You’ve been very vague about them as they are outing which makes me think it could be an illness or a bereavement. If this is the case we wouldn’t expect a friend to foot the bill for their misfortune, particularly when we have 5 months to fill the slot. However if it’s something less serious then I think it would be fair to pay.

I'm going to a cottage in October with some friends but there's a chance I may have to work that weekend but won't know until a few weeks before. If I drop out I'll be paying the full amount I owe. The payment for us all was worked out for 10 of us sharing and I wouldn't want my friends to have to pay any extra for me not being able to go. I think it's an unwritten rule that if you say yes to these type of trips you are responsible for your part of the trip which is either payment or finding someone else to replace you if you can't go. You don't put the burden on others

I am sorry you’ve had to drop out. It sounds like you have a good reason, and I hope your place can be filled.
Whilst you have asked if it is reasonable to expect the others to put in extra to cover your share, you have no way of making this happen.
I assume that when you all got together and agreed to go on the trip one person took responsibility and put the booking in her name. If no replacement can be found, and the others don’t contribute towards the shortfall that one person could end up paying it all. That wouldn’t be fair or reasonable.

No it’s not reasonable to ask everyone else to pay more for an event you committed to. If they offered that, then fine, but they haven’t.

What happens if everyone pulls out (not inconceivable given how flaky people are these days)? Does the last woman standing foot the entire bill?

This is why I no longer get involved in any event of this nature.

It's a whole 5 months away. You've already decided you don't have childcare?
Why can't you pay the balance then find the replacement who can go in your place and reimburse you?

You need to find someone else to take your place, or stump up. simple as.

You can reasonably ask if they know someone who can take your place.
If they don't, and if you also don't, then there is no question that you have to pay up.

They've based their plans and finances on having a certain number of people attending. If you can't find someone to take your place, I think it's entirely reasonable for you to pay-- which is annoying and won't feel great, but it is fair.

Assuming the group is 10 people...
What if a few said, let's cover the difference, but the rest don't want to? For whatever reason. It can create an atmosphere of those who feel "it's only an extra tenner" vs " I can't/won't pay every time someone might decide to drop out'

Some of my friends could easily afford it, others couldn't. A group booking would be made based on a budget everyone agreed to. An extra tenner might be someone's petrol to get there

Not saying OP hasn't got a good reason to drop out. Most people will think they have a good reason, if they can't go to something they previously agreed to.

But they should still absorb their costs.

Why is it there responsibility to fill the space? Surely it’s you that needs to fill it so you are not out of pocket. I’d be pissed if the person dropping out expected everyone else to run around trying to fix the issue that they created 🙄

Can you not message the group to say you're a bit disappointed that no-one seems to have made any effort to replace you, given the fact that they let x get away with dropping out, and your situation is so much more serious? (BTW, have you made any efforts to replace yourself? - I do of course understand if you think it's up to the group cos they will be on hols with this person, but if so maybe explain this as well)

yet you don't seem bothered that you're letting them down and only care about the money. Why should they have to split your cost?

I am guessing your normal childcare has fallen ill or died for which I'm sorry and hope you find peace. I would make sure you've told them why and yes pay the £100

Can you not see if anyone else can go? Maybe offer that this person only needs to pay the £100 outstanding to sweeten the deal? It’s crap but it is what it is when you have kids and make plans that hinge on you having childcare.

Do you regularly pull out of things that have been planned? To be honest to me that sounds like they've been expecting you to pull out but were hoping just this once you wouldn't, and are now rolling their eyes so hard they're looking behind them.

5 months to go sounds like ages to plan childcare. Doesn't sound like a valid excuse to me.

You say they don't care that you've got childcare issues - why would they? They're your kids, it's your job to sort out childcare. It's very entitled to expect other people to care about your problems over their own.

You need to pay - you made a commitment and it should not impact them that you're pulling out.

ETA - if it was a viable reason for pulling out that simply can't be avoided, I wouldn't mind paying £10 extra (significant health concerns, loss of job, something like that). But this is simply you not sorting out your logistics, not my problem, fault or responsibility, don't see why I should have to pay anything extra (as it sounds like it's not a cheap event to start with).