To not want to pay?

[Skint2022]

Unfortunately I can no longer attend an event due to childcare issues. I have asked the group if they know anybody else that could take my place. Nobody has replied on the group chat. They don’t seem bothered that I can’t attend but I’ve since spoken to a member and they are expecting me to pay the final balance which is £100. It would work out to be an extra £10 per attendee if they split my cost between them. I can’t work out if I’m being unreasonable or not for not wanting to pay. The event is 5 months away so I’m not calling off last minute and I’ve already paid a large chunk in the form of a deposit which I’m not expecting back. I thought that was the whole point of a deposit? Anyway, should I suck it up and pay the £100 or is it reasonable to ask everyone else to pay an extra £10 if they can’t find anyone else?

Its probably the fact that it has happened multiple times and they can't be bothered to keep finding new people to go. It likely has nothing to do with your personally. That is how it seems from an outside point of view. I can understand you feeling hurt though.as you like to think your friends would do something to help you out

Anything that involves the person that kindly organised an event you agree to go to on your behalf (which is a big favour by the way) being out of pocket is just wrong. Can’t believe some are arguing on op’s side.

This is a reverse, surely?? You want other people to fork out just because you can’t go? Why should they…You committed to it so you’ve got to pay 🤷‍♀️

I was in that exact situation and I ended up having to drop that group of friends because I couldn’t afford the extra costs for everyone else, every time we went away for the weekend.

As our costs were mainly for accommodation , the price went up by far more than eg £10 each time, as the extra amount was divided between fewer people each time another person cancelled. Also the closer we got to the event , the more inventive people were with reasons.

So Annie dropped out 5 months before because she decided she wanted to save for another holiday so it was just £20 extra each ( Annie’s cost of £200 divided between 10 of us ).

But then when Bob dropped out 6 weeks in advance ( because he couldn’t get the time off work ) 9 of us had to share that £200. So that’s £22 for him and 20 for Annie = £ 42 each.

Then the day before , Claire said her child was sick , the cost was her £200 for accommodation plus £60 for food and drink already bought = £260 / 8 of us which was £32. In top of the £42 extra we had paid for Annie and Bob.

So the weekend that was going to cost us £260 each ( 200 accommodation, 60 food and drink ) became 260 + 20 ( Annie ) + 22 ( Bob ) + 32 ( Claire ) = £334. That’s nearly 30% more.

Several people complained when Claire expected everyone to pay her share, but she said that we let Annie pull out for a trivial reason and no one complained about Bob but her reason was more serious and she “ couldn’t help her child being sick”.

And before you ask, the child only had a tummy bug and yes they had another parent. No Claire was not struggling by on benefits while the rest of us were millionaires. And no the weekend was not to Outer Mongolia so if the child had developed Lassa Fever over the weekend, Claire could have driven home in 2 hours. And no she wasn’t autistic and no , we were not all jealous because Claire was prettier than us . ( I think that’s covered all the usual Whataboutery ).

I’ve never said that she shouldn’t pay, it was in my first comment to the OP that she should accept the responsibility. I’m not sure why everyone’s insisting I’ve said differently? All I have said is that if you invite someone with children there’s always a possibility that they may not be able to make it and that some people can’t just pluck childcare out of thin air when it’s not available to them because people were making nasty comments calling her a liar and demanding that she should just get other childcare.

No Claire was not struggling by on benefits while the rest of us were millionaires. And no the weekend was not to Outer Mongolia so if the child had developed Lassa Fever over the weekend, Claire could have driven home in 2 hours. And no she wasn’t autistic and no , we were not all jealous because Claire was prettier than us . ( I think that’s covered all the usual Whataboutery )

That bit made me laugh out loud 😁 nothing more to add.

@J0S in fairness to Claire, I can kind of see why she would think it unfair if people previously agreed to pay extra when other people pulled out

But that just reinforces the argument that NO ONE should be asked to pay extra when ANYONE pulls out

You're more patient than me. I don't think I'd have agreed to a repeat booking after the first time

@ForestForever apologies. I didn't see all your posts. I agree some people can't get childcare even with plenty of notice. And I agree people should understand others may have to cancel pre-arranged plans

I thought you were saying that the rest of the group should accept they might have to pay extra to subsidise the cancelling guests. I see we're on the same page, thinking that would be unfair

No problem, I only asked because a few people have quoted me and said the same, you were just the most recent one that I saw. No one should be involuntarily subsidising anyone else’s place but I think her friends could at least reply to her even to say “sorry we don’t have time to find anyone else to fill your space” as a minimum.

Regarding the T&Cs won't the problem be that only one member of the group will have made all the arrangements? So the OP won't have a contractual arrangement with the provider of the accommodation, or whatever the service is
And so the T&Cs of the service provider are irrelevant

That's actually a very good point, @Manxexile; however like yourself I wouldn't have been going in the first place with this kind of uncertainty (or at all since group holidays aren't my thing)

As so many have said this happens all the time - everyone's excited to start with then the excuses begin - so personally I'm with the "you're very welcome to come, but sort your own arrangements out" to avoid all this

Yep the only safe way is everyone pays the full whack up front. Why should the poor organiser be on risk for all the attendees change in circumstances?

Just getting around to reading all of the replies.

Thanks all, you are absolutely right and I should and will pay the £100 if nobody else is found to take my place. Which I’ve now made clear to the group.

I haven’t divulged the specific reasons as to why I won’t be able to sort childcare in 5 months time as it’s quite a specific reason and very outing. It’s actually quite a sad reason and I probably should have said that in the original post. Because of this it’s probably blurred my judgement really as I hoped the rest of the group would be slightly more sympathetic to my unexpected and sudden change in situation (they obviously know the exact reason). That and the fact that the other person who dropped out simply just said they couldn’t go, end of and the rest sorted someone else.

I also am unable to find a replacement due to the nature of event/group. I can’t really explain it without outing myself but you’ll just have to trust me on that one 🤪.

I'm sorry you have sad reasons for being able to go. I still think you are obligated to pay though. Sometimes we book things and can't go because we get sick, there's a sudden death, or other things. That's bad luck and just life. Any time we book in advance there's a risk something will come up.

Sorry I think the reason is irrelevant. There’s no reason others should be “on risk” or basically act as your insurance policy for your unfortunate life events. That’s just not how it works with group trips. Which you won’t be asked on again anyway.

Sorry to hear you have difficulties. I think you really do need to give your friends more than a day to find someone else, that is where you're being very unreasonable, the expectation of an instant fix from others who are most likely at work at the time. It's 5 months away, there is lots of time, just check in after a few weeks to see if anyone has been able to find someone who may be interested in going.

Sorry that something unfortunate has happened to you OP.

Couple of things at play here, unfortunately you were the second person to drop out. Your reason sounds a lot more deserving of sorting out a solution than the first one, but other attendees may be worrying about potential drop out number three or four and what they are expected to do for them.

Secondly if you just said that you needed to drop out due to childcare, then it's a bit of a non sequitur. If you had said "Guys I'm so sorry but because of recent events it's just not possible for me to attend any more. Do you think someone might like to come as a replacement?" then I think you might have got more specific responses, and a bit of sympathy.

@GRex and others who have mentioned this - the first message I sent was two weeks ago. Apologies for not putting this on the OP. So I was expecting some sort of response from them by now. @rookiemere they do know the reasons.

Ok that doesn't sound great then.

The only extenuating circumstances I can think of then, is if the sad event had been discussed elsewhere in person or on a different thread? If that's the case then maybe it simply hasn't occurred to them that you had assumed they would pay your share as a mark of sympathy.

You have 5 months to either find someone to replace you or a childminder.

Why should everyone else have to pay out for you?

If it was someone else dropping out, would you feel happy footing their bill?

I wouldn’t dream of asking other people to all chip in £10 to cover me. Either you find someone else or pay the £100. It sucks but you agreed to go

Depends if her mother is off for a Hip replacement cancer treatment, etc, etc.

Tough one as I want to be on your side as you sound like a lovely person and I know you wouldn’t mess anyone around on purpose or want to be in this sticky situation.

On the other hand though , imagine say 3 or even 4 people just cancelled ? Then the remaining people would have to pay £30 or £40 each!
Are they genuine real friends? Or do toy cross paths with them via school gate mums/ colleagues/ neighbours ??

If so then I think you should cut your losses and just offer the £100 and see what they say.

If they’re ’fair weather’ friends and you will feel bitter about the £100 or you can’t afford it then maybe you can do a ‘Meghan’ and ghost them (I’m not saying I’d do this btw! I’m just saying I think it’s one of the only option you have really!)

You should pay it. But if you don't want to then don't expect to be invited again.

She’s not “subsidising their trip”, she’s paying for the share she committed to when they booked it!

Well in that case I’d just say on the group chat that you can’t go and are happy to forfeit deposit unless they can find someone else to replace you….. leave it at that and if anymore is said just state that when booking and cancelling holidays the only loss is the deposit… that’s what a deposit is for!! This far in advance can’t they just cancel your room?