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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want to pay?

346 replies

Skint2022 · 23/04/2024 23:57

Unfortunately I can no longer attend an event due to childcare issues. I have asked the group if they know anybody else that could take my place. Nobody has replied on the group chat. They don’t seem bothered that I can’t attend but I’ve since spoken to a member and they are expecting me to pay the final balance which is £100. It would work out to be an extra £10 per attendee if they split my cost between them. I can’t work out if I’m being unreasonable or not for not wanting to pay. The event is 5 months away so I’m not calling off last minute and I’ve already paid a large chunk in the form of a deposit which I’m not expecting back. I thought that was the whole point of a deposit? Anyway, should I suck it up and pay the £100 or is it reasonable to ask everyone else to pay an extra £10 if they can’t find anyone else?

OP posts:
T1Dmama · 25/04/2024 23:07

Sorry @Skint2022 but are these people friends?? They don’t sound like it!!! And with the fact they’re not being supportive of the sad reason you won’t have childcare, (which I’m thinking is a family illness or death)… then I’d say they’re all a bunch of arse holes and I’d take yourself off the chat and wouldn’t pay a penny more!! Nor would I speak to them again!!

Noyesnoyes · 26/04/2024 04:41

T1Dmama · 25/04/2024 23:07

Sorry @Skint2022 but are these people friends?? They don’t sound like it!!! And with the fact they’re not being supportive of the sad reason you won’t have childcare, (which I’m thinking is a family illness or death)… then I’d say they’re all a bunch of arse holes and I’d take yourself off the chat and wouldn’t pay a penny more!! Nor would I speak to them again!!

So you think as a collective group, every single one of them is an arsehole?

OP is the only one that is a nice person within the group?

Doubtful.

I suspect they have valid reasons for not offering to pay.

GRex · 26/04/2024 08:04

Skint2022 · 25/04/2024 09:26

@GRex and others who have mentioned this - the first message I sent was two weeks ago. Apologies for not putting this on the OP. So I was expecting some sort of response from them by now. @rookiemere they do know the reasons.

Ok, then no issue reminding everyone that you would like to offer your space to someone else if possible, and can anybody suggest a friend who might go. Suggest you'll pay 10% so they get a nice discount.

Donsyb · 26/04/2024 08:50

T1Dmama · 25/04/2024 23:01

Well in that case I’d just say on the group chat that you can’t go and are happy to forfeit deposit unless they can find someone else to replace you….. leave it at that and if anymore is said just state that when booking and cancelling holidays the only loss is the deposit… that’s what a deposit is for!! This far in advance can’t they just cancel your room?

Show quote history

That’s not really accurate re: the deposit. Often a deposit is required to hold the booking but the balance is still mandatory. So the same amount needs to be paid whether the OP goes or not.

Why should everyone else have to pay more because the OP has dropped out?

sad things happen unfortunately. When my mum died, the funeral fell on my DPs birthday. We had concert tickets and a hotel booked. I still had to pay for those even though we couldn’t go. I just wrote it off and donated the concert tickets to a friend 🤷🏼‍♀️

Tallulah1972 · 26/04/2024 12:04

If it’s at a venue of some sort, could you phone them & discuss with them about the situation?

Zatapeg · 27/04/2024 22:02

I think trying to find a replacement is considerate of you, but if it comes to the event and your place hasn't been taken then £10 extra for each person is not unreasonable, it's only £10 for them but £100 for you!
When you say yes to a group booking you do have to take into account the cost may go up due to someone dropping out! 😉

Behindthescenesnow · 27/04/2024 22:05

Zatapeg · 27/04/2024 22:02

I think trying to find a replacement is considerate of you, but if it comes to the event and your place hasn't been taken then £10 extra for each person is not unreasonable, it's only £10 for them but £100 for you!
When you say yes to a group booking you do have to take into account the cost may go up due to someone dropping out! 😉

No you don't! I'm paying g for me, not you!

You have your understand if you make a commitment you pay up, not expect me to pay for you.

katenutzs · 27/04/2024 22:29

you know you are being unfair, just do the decent thing and pay

beanii · 27/04/2024 22:56

You can't expect other people to pay because you can't get a babysitter 🤦🏻‍♀️🤣

It would state in the t&cs when booking.

Welshmonster · 27/04/2024 23:03

maybe your childcare situation will change by 5 months time as I know you said it was a sad reason. But you may find alternative childcare.
you need to establish now if you can find a replacement that they will pay you.

more people will drop out closer to the time as situations change

Lampslights · 28/04/2024 07:31

Op I’m sure they are sympathetic to whatever has caused this but surely you can’t genuinely think tnis means they should pay for you?

hottchocolatte · 28/04/2024 07:38

Hope you get it sorted OP

I think you should pay what you owe even if you decide not to go but it is good you have taken the comments on board. It would be good if you or they could find a replacement but you must also appreciate they are busy and don't necessarily want an extra task of finding someone to go.

When you say you can't go for a sad reason I assume someone has died (one of your parents) - hopefully not DH - in which case I understand but also it's difficult to see why you can't arrange this in advance. If there's anything you can do to find a replacement then this might be appreciated.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 28/04/2024 07:43

Sorry for your update OP, but that’s a bit of a drip feed re your reasons for not going.

Can’t recall what I wrote before, but basically if I commit then I commit come what may.

I’ve had issues with events where friends have wanted to pull out of an event and I’ve bought the tickets and I sell those on.

It does depend on your friends though, if they’ve budgeted and can find someone. Sometimes, if not, you just have to take the financial hit.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 28/04/2024 07:45

hottchocolatte · 28/04/2024 07:38

Hope you get it sorted OP

I think you should pay what you owe even if you decide not to go but it is good you have taken the comments on board. It would be good if you or they could find a replacement but you must also appreciate they are busy and don't necessarily want an extra task of finding someone to go.

When you say you can't go for a sad reason I assume someone has died (one of your parents) - hopefully not DH - in which case I understand but also it's difficult to see why you can't arrange this in advance. If there's anything you can do to find a replacement then this might be appreciated.

I think for a bereavement most people would understand. Especially a DH. You’d have to be pretty heartless not to understand.

A terminal illness which this sounds like it might be, that’s upsetting and a valid reason not to go, but most people would think you should try to come if the spot is hard to fill. OP was mentioning childcare too.

LT1982 · 28/04/2024 07:59

MrsCherryCrest · 24/04/2024 00:03

Don’t pay it. It’s not your responsibility to subsidise their trip. You’ve already said you’ll forfeit the deposit and that’s enough.

And it's not the other attendees responsibility to find a replacement person to go on the trip or subsidise OP's unpaid part

6pence · 28/04/2024 08:03

I’d be pissed off at the extra expense, especially if I’d had to think hard about the cost in the first place as many will, and I also wouldn’t want randoms at my getaway. Different people completely change the dynamic to which I agreed. They’ve already got one different person going. I’d be annoyed at another one.

As they know it’s a genuine sad reason you aren’t going op, then I’d offer the whole amount as you did, and hope they say they’ll cover the cost. They probably wouldn’t mind an extra tenner, but tbh they probably won’t offer in case other people pull out later on. They don’t want to set a precedent,

Bestyearever2024 · 28/04/2024 08:06

You can't go in 5 months' time because of a sad reason which the group knows about but apparently aren't bothered by, despite them helping another member of the group find a replacement a while back?

That seems quite strange

And you can't find a replacement yourself?

In which case you'll have to pay up

The group doesn't seem particularly friendly towards you - do you have form for this ?

Lampslights · 28/04/2024 08:10

Bestyearever2024 · 28/04/2024 08:06

You can't go in 5 months' time because of a sad reason which the group knows about but apparently aren't bothered by, despite them helping another member of the group find a replacement a while back?

That seems quite strange

And you can't find a replacement yourself?

In which case you'll have to pay up

The group doesn't seem particularly friendly towards you - do you have form for this ?

Cmon now. You can’t just magic up replacements, and offering to pay when folks drop out isn’t something most folks would do unless close friends and knew there were financial issues.

WhamBamThankU · 28/04/2024 08:11

I think they might think you're a CF expecting them to share your costs. I know I would.

user1492757084 · 28/04/2024 08:13

Pay what is owed but still ask them to try and find another person who would like to take your place at a discount of the deposit. If they find someone have them reimburse you just the 100.

hottchocolatte · 28/04/2024 08:13

@Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain The problem is we don't know the details and as PP says it's a bit of a drip feed.

If something major like a DH had died or terminally ill then you'd then they wouldn't mind absorbing an extra £10 but it's all very hypothetical if OP doesn't want to explain.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 28/04/2024 08:22

Skint2022 · 24/04/2024 22:32

Just getting around to reading all of the replies.

Thanks all, you are absolutely right and I should and will pay the £100 if nobody else is found to take my place. Which I’ve now made clear to the group.

I haven’t divulged the specific reasons as to why I won’t be able to sort childcare in 5 months time as it’s quite a specific reason and very outing. It’s actually quite a sad reason and I probably should have said that in the original post. Because of this it’s probably blurred my judgement really as I hoped the rest of the group would be slightly more sympathetic to my unexpected and sudden change in situation (they obviously know the exact reason). That and the fact that the other person who dropped out simply just said they couldn’t go, end of and the rest sorted someone else.

I also am unable to find a replacement due to the nature of event/group. I can’t really explain it without outing myself but you’ll just have to trust me on that one 🤪.

I think the different responses could be either of 2 things, they dont want to try find someone else for the second time or because the other person was more demanding and less apologetic they probably thought it would be harder to get the final amount out of them. Path of least resistance was finding someone else.

Otherstories2002 · 28/04/2024 08:26

Skint2022 · 24/04/2024 00:24

@MrsCherryCrest it’s a mixture of things. The £100 left is probably the balance of the accommodation. I know I’d be the same if the shoe was on the other foot but for the sake of £10 I think I’d be okay with paying it. An extra £30/40 then I’d be pissed off. It’s not a hen do or a birthday or anything. The group is mixed and I know that they could find someone else to join in but almost feel like they just can’t be bothered. Another person pulled out last month and they wanted their deposit back too! They found someone else but now that doesn’t seem to be an option.

Why should they be bothered? You’re the one who’s pulled out, it’s your responsibility to sort an alternative or pay. Maybe that’s the issue, they think you’re taking the piss cancelling and expecting them to take all the responsibility.

Lampslights · 28/04/2024 08:27

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 28/04/2024 08:22

I think the different responses could be either of 2 things, they dont want to try find someone else for the second time or because the other person was more demanding and less apologetic they probably thought it would be harder to get the final amount out of them. Path of least resistance was finding someone else.

Show quote history

Or more likely they knew of someone who wished to go. So it was Simples.

6pence · 28/04/2024 08:31

I’d be more annoyed at replacements than the money tbh. All these pepople saying find replacements. Wouldn’t you be annoyed at the change of dynmamics.