To not want to pay?

[Skint2022]

Unfortunately I can no longer attend an event due to childcare issues. I have asked the group if they know anybody else that could take my place. Nobody has replied on the group chat. They don’t seem bothered that I can’t attend but I’ve since spoken to a member and they are expecting me to pay the final balance which is £100. It would work out to be an extra £10 per attendee if they split my cost between them. I can’t work out if I’m being unreasonable or not for not wanting to pay. The event is 5 months away so I’m not calling off last minute and I’ve already paid a large chunk in the form of a deposit which I’m not expecting back. I thought that was the whole point of a deposit? Anyway, should I suck it up and pay the £100 or is it reasonable to ask everyone else to pay an extra £10 if they can’t find anyone else?

So people aren’t entitled to ever plan any time away incase something happens in their childcare providers lives? Seems like overkill to me and unfair to isolate a person because of it

I guess that depends on what it is (and why I wrote "something like this" in my own post)

FWIW I was another who had hardly any childcare, so while I'd risk things with something that affected only my immediate family I was a bit more hesitant around things which would involve inconvenience to others

I agree with what you're saying, but I do think that pulling out 5 months in advance for the 'no childcare' reason would annoy me a bit.

OP's group of friends don't seem very nice though, if no one has responded to her messages.

You need to pay it. You have made a commitment and other people shouldn’t be out of pocket because you are backing out, even if it is “only a tenner”.
There is still 5 months to go. If you don’t pay or find a replacement then what happens when other people start falling away? They have to pay up (after you didn’t) or the last man standing is left with 5 hotel rooms, 10 theatre tickets and a huge bill to herself?
Other people may have chosen not to go if it was going to cost more, or they may have booked smaller and cheaper accommodation. You can’t just get 10 people to give you £10 each and say “it doesn’t matter, it’s only a tenner”.
The group chat is probably silent because nobody wants to say anything that commits themselves and 9 other people to subbing you.

You should pay. This is happening to me right now, but in reverse. My friend is getting married, we have all paid deposits for the hen do, the outstanding amount is due 5th May. One of the girls from a different set of friends has just dropped out, hasn't even offered to pay the outstanding and it is costing us all an extra £65 each to find on short notice. We all think she is being a skank for this.

This is why the MOH should take full balance before booking.

That can be a lot to ask of people in one shot though. Most of my friends have been saving towards it.

Perhaps instalments then, on a non-refundable basis. Would need the collector to be trustworthy though.

If you commit to something you should pay in full if you drop out unless you can find someone to take your place.
Why should others pay more.
Trip is costed say it’s £200 each. At that stage you decide if going. If say yes you are obliged to pay £200. If people drop out and it jumps to £210 or £250 it’s not fair - others max budget may have been £200 and they wouldn’t have said yes.
It seems to be a thing now where people sign up then drop out and seem surprised we still want payment in a youth group I’m a volunteer for. We have to spell out in capital letters if you sign up you are committing to pay unless we can fill place from a wait list.

Yes everyone has been paying instalments to the Bride's bank account directly. But as the outstanding amount is now due in full next week and this flake has dropped out before the deadline we have no choice but to all cough up the extra or risk loosing the accommodation. It is what it is, but I would never have it said that I had cost people money.

I’d also suspect silence on group chat is because they can’t believe how cheeky you are being and are trying to think how best to say no, you need to pay.

No you should pay. Or find someone else to go in your place. Why is it everyone's else's problem? It's OK for them to pay extra for you ( doesn't matter the amount) but not for you to pay what you owe?

The £100 left is probably the balance of the accommodation. I know I’d be the same if the shoe was on the other foot but for the sake of £10 I think I’d be okay with paying it. An extra £30/40 then I’d be pissed off

This is why it's fair / best if everyone pays their share, whether they can come or not

Otherwise, you can have this scenario -

Annie drops out and the price goes up by £10, people might not moan too much

Bob drops out and the price would go up by £20, people raise an eyebrow

Then Claire drops out and the price for the rest would go up by £30, they get pissed off

Then Dave drops out and the price would go up by £40

It becomes unaffordable for more people, they want to drop out and poor Elaine ends up with a nightmare on her hands

If it's 5 months away could.you possibly sort childcare? How long would you be away for?

Op is the real issue you can’t afford it and that’s why you’re dropping out and hoping the others will pay your bill?

I'm a little confused about the childcare issue. The event is 5 months away - surely it should be remotely possible to try to find alternative arrangements?

Wow. You are being so unbelievably unreasonable. Why should others have to sub your inability to plan? Just pay.

You need to pay OP. That is so unreasonable of you to drop out and cost everyone more money. I hate it when people do this on hen dos!

Or maybe, just maybe, these stupid-ass bloody £375-£450 a head 'hen dos' (where the hen and her mates spends a few days away,) should just to die a death. And women can go back to just meeting at the pub for a few drinks, and going on to a club later, or going for a bloody meal at a local restaurant.

These long weekend in Ibiza/Croatia/Greece/Spain/Lake District/Eden Project type hen dos need binning off! They are stressful for everyone, and fucking costly! One person - usually the Maid of Honour - has to organise it all and get everyone's money, and there is always, ALWAYS at least one who drops out! Then everyone gets pissy because their £425/£435 has gone up to nearly £500!

When I got married in the mid 1990s, me and my mates (about 20 of us,) went for a meal. Cost us around £17 each. (Prob £40 in today's money.) Including the wine!

When in the name of holy HELL did these ludicrous 3 and 4 days long 'hen dos' that cost up to half a grand each come from? Who started it? They need their arse kicking!

Why is everyone banging on about hen dos? The OP says "it's not a hen do or birthday or anything".

Glad you’ve decided to pay. You definitely should. Others shouldn’t have to pay more just because you need to drop out.
what if lots of people drop out, that would significantly push up costs for those attending.
don’t agree to something unless you are willing to pay

It only works for the OP to find a replacement if this person is agreed apon by the people who are going.

It would be the decent thing for both sides to find a replacement, but since the people who are going have to agree on the replacement and make sure it is someone they want to go on holiday with, it makes sense for them to be involved and not just leave it up to the OP.

OP has given a decent amount of warning, and we dont' know her childcare situation. Maybe one overnight is managable, but If its overnight for several days then we would never have been able to obtain that when our children were preschool, or even primary, no matter how long we had.

I don't think it's that if someone has such limited or precarious childcare arrangements that they shouldn't be entitled to ever plan time away in advance in case something happens.

Rather it's that if they do commit to doing something 5+ months in advance, then they have to accept that they are taking the risk that if something does happen to prevent them going, then they are still liable to pay their share of the full cost.

This is just the reality of the situation. And it doesn't have to be childcare falling through. It could be illness on the part of the OP or a death in the family etc etc or anything else that prevents them going.

Of course, if the other members of the group want to pay the OP's share of the outstanding ballance, great. But they aren't legally or morally obliged to do so.

@ForestForever A parent is entitled to plan trips, no problem with that. But, if they can't get childcare, that's not their friends' problem. The parent should still pay their way

Regarding the T&Cs won't the problem be that only one member of the group will have made all the arrangements? So the OP won't have a contractual arrangement with the provider of the accommodation, or whatever the service is.

And so the T&Cs of the service provider are irrelevant.

What matters is what arrangement the members of the group agreed - or should have agreed - in advance as to what would happen if members of the group wanted to drop out

Personally I wouldn't want to be involved in any sort of collective group booking unless it was perfectly understood from the outset how these financial aspects would be handled. And I'd think I'd steer well clear of any arrangement that didn't spell out that once a booking had been made, everybody would be responsible for paying their share of the total cost, whether they attended or not.

The alternative - as somebody suggested upthread - is for each member of the group to make their own individual arrangements. That has some advantages but also some disadvantages...

Everybody isn't banging on about Hen Dos. A pp mentioned she had a similar issue going on with a Hen Do, another pp likened OP's situation to Hen Do arrangements. A couple of poster's have then responded to those posts, which is how thread drift happens.