MIL on holiday over baby due date

[Nushyboots]

So AIBU or more importantly are we being unreasonable?

My hubby and his mother have had a 'good' relationship from what I have seen since we have been together (12 years). However since lockdown her and her husband ( she remarried ages ago ) have become increasingly detached from hubby and his two brothers families, she has gone from popping in or going on little breaks with us all as group to making excuses and avoiding having to spend too much time with us all.

So we are expecting our little bubs in June and she asked what the dates were as said she wants to book a holiday across the due date. I gave her the date, she then messaged hubby and said she has booked holiday across due date with 5 days either side being away. Hubby is really pissed off as this is the 3rd holiday they have been on this year as MIL doesnt work and FIL is semi retired due to health issues ( not managed well Diabetes related issues) He was unhappy when she told him and although my mother has come from overseas to visit and has decided to stay for the birth at the time of the holiday booking we nor MIL knew that she has surprised us with staying for the birth.

She is oblivious that hubby is upset and refuses to engage with her really anymore. He says he isnt even going to tell her when baby arrives if she is away as she obviously doesnt care ( going on holiday to usual hotel in usual resort)

is he being unreasonable? any advice for him?

MN is usually full of people ranting that MiLs want to visit too soon after the birth - or even ne present.

Maybe MIL was trying to give you some space so your mother could enjoy/help with the newborn. My MIL lives abroad and waited a month before she flew over because she didn’t want to intrude/overwhelm us and knew my parents were around. I thought this was actually very thoughtful and it was the first grandchild on my side. We also tend to be closer with our own mums, so sorry can’t see the issue here OP!

so you feel for the DH missing his mother , but then you would go NC . 🤣🤣 yep , sad indeed !

You don’t know why and neither does DH . Perhaps he should ask his DM . Going NC does not solve anything .

People on MN would suggest going NC if they ate your last rolo.

Yep 🤣

My inlaws went travelling the world when our first was born. This was their first grandchild. They didn't get back until 8 months later. DH was very upset and told them. They didn't seem bothered.

MIL has been the type to constantly complain she doesn't see them enough too!

But, over the years she's been a really fun grandma & the kids adore her.

Try not to be upset & don't hold grudges. It's not worth it.

😂

@kkloo that's right, what’s the issue?!?! MIL is not essential for the birth is she? DH will be there won’t he? MIL is living her own life, they are very controlling and needy. They need time to bond as a family, MIL will visit when she is back. What’s the issue?

thank you @Italianita exactly what i meant - alot of posters seem to think we are jealous or don't wish her to have a holiday but we are not in anyway shape or form thinking that she shouldnt

also should clarify her husband isn't 'new' they have been together since my husband and his brothers were around 10-11 between them

Of course she can do what she wants. And what she wants is to not be around during the birth. She wants to deliberately book a holiday at a time determined specifically by the due date to ensure she's nowhere near the family.
If that's not weird I don't know what is.
She can do what she wants. She'll then not be in a position to moan about things later. Like not seeing enough of the family, not being looked after in her dotage. Not being seen as someone particularly important to the family

😂

The issue is that she felt it was Very Important that her son knows that she's specifically chosen these dates so she'll be far away when he's child is born, surely?

If this was MIL just living her own life, then I'd be with the "sure, crack on!" crowd. The weirdness is that this isn't just her living her own life, it's her making sure that her son knows her intent in specifically living her life to avoid her son's life events.

What's the benign, just living her own life motivation for the that?

Me too, I thought that was clear.

To be honest, I wouldnt care. In fact, I would rather both sets of grandparents were away over the due date -lol

I have a close family and I am close with my mum. Current boyfriend is close with his mum also. However, if I had another baby, I would want it to be just me, partner and DS for the first couple of weeks anyhow until we settle as a family.

My DSs granny, who is now my ex MIL decided to come to the hospital while I was giving birth. My ex H and my own mum were my birth partners and she knew this. She arrived and constantly rang/text ex H, pestering him and all the nurses to come in. I refused every time. Ex H took a huff with me. Ex MIL stayed at the hospital for hours until DS was born then tried to push herself into the delivery room (again, refused) and also onto the ward afterwards (again, refused). Her and ex H argued and huffed with me after giving birth that I did not want to see MIL in most vulnerable state.

However, my current partners mum is a nurse, and if partner was more comfortable with support for him, I would allow her in but I would prefer it just me and him.

Birth of a baby after a previous loss though? I wouldn't pointedly go abroad in those circumstances, I'd want to be near my son.

I do think it's odd that she's done this without explaining her reasoning to your DH, especially since they are close. If she's have said she would feel too tempted to crowd you and bother you for a visit too early on that would be one thing. It sounds like it may be her husband's idea and does come across quite passive aggressive on her part.

I’m really sorry but you having a baby isn’t the be all and end all of your MIL’s life. You need to get over your self importance. Also I’d have been glad if my MIL had been away 😂

Sorry, I think to do it deliberately is sending a message

As a mother of a son I would be looking forward to the birth of another grandchild and I would want to be around when it was born.

I don't think I'm that unusual

That doesn’t really matter. As people get older, there is a realisation that there is far more life behind them than ahead of them. This has been intensified by the worst of Covid times. You and your husband are rightly preoccupied with your own lives now. Your MIL is absolutely entitled to enjoy the rest of her life with her husband and ‘seize the day’! FFS she will only be away for the first few days of the baby’s life, if that. You are both being selfish and completely unreasonable!

It's not about the baby's life though, is it? It's about being there in case of issues, if DH needs a shoulder to lean on, or just wants to share the brilliant news of the arrival. It's a major life event, my family wouldn't dream of going away.

Well it's unusual to not want to be in the country when the baby is born, however the other more bizarre and hurtful issue is if they had wanted to be away they could have done that without being dickheads about it.

They could have asked "when's the due date?" and then said "oh no, we're on holiday at that time" and then went and booked the holiday, instead they literally asked because they specifically wanted to avoid being here AND then told them they'd done that.

Oh for heavens sake. If there was a major crisis, she may well fly straight back. We don’t know. Your family may not do this. That isn’t really relevant. Lots of people would and do 🙄