MIL on holiday over baby due date

[Nushyboots]

So AIBU or more importantly are we being unreasonable?

My hubby and his mother have had a 'good' relationship from what I have seen since we have been together (12 years). However since lockdown her and her husband ( she remarried ages ago ) have become increasingly detached from hubby and his two brothers families, she has gone from popping in or going on little breaks with us all as group to making excuses and avoiding having to spend too much time with us all.

So we are expecting our little bubs in June and she asked what the dates were as said she wants to book a holiday across the due date. I gave her the date, she then messaged hubby and said she has booked holiday across due date with 5 days either side being away. Hubby is really pissed off as this is the 3rd holiday they have been on this year as MIL doesnt work and FIL is semi retired due to health issues ( not managed well Diabetes related issues) He was unhappy when she told him and although my mother has come from overseas to visit and has decided to stay for the birth at the time of the holiday booking we nor MIL knew that she has surprised us with staying for the birth.

She is oblivious that hubby is upset and refuses to engage with her really anymore. He says he isnt even going to tell her when baby arrives if she is away as she obviously doesnt care ( going on holiday to usual hotel in usual resort)

is he being unreasonable? any advice for him?

mil doesn’t agree with the 4th child I suspect, and can’t openly voice her displeasure so this is a PA way of doing so.

Why might she not agree op? Are you struggling financially? Is her son working every hour? Is it already a chaotic house?

YANBU - my family and my partners family were all on pins when it was close to my due date. Even though they wasn’t coming to the hospital during labour etc, they wanted to be close by to offer help and support. Especially my partners mum, she wanted to be there to support her son during an exciting moment. She dropped off meals to the front door, done dishes, laundry etc.

So yes I’d be upset if my mum booked a holiday on my due date.

I am SO glad you raised this because literally NO ONE in the preceding 320-odd posts had mentioned it.

(There's actually an interesting phenomenon about groups and group signifiers that plays out on this stuff where a group will accept one set of terminology and cast out as unacceptable another set as belonging to the "out" group. When objectively the DH/DC/DP/DfuckingDog language is no more or less twee than hubby/bubs etc - but the group embraces one and rejects the other.)

Great. Good for her.

But this isn't about the decision, is it? It's about making sure her son is left in no doubt about why she's chosen these dates.

This, can't bloody win lol 😁
She's probably thinking "I'll have a holiday and not crowd them the first few days, they'll want to get settled and don't want me barging in trying to take over, I'll leave a few days then go round to meet and for cuddles."

Interprets as "beeatch doesn't even care, WTF that's it I'm done. Cow "😂
As I said, can't win 😁

and possibly her DH is trying to protect her from becoming so hurt again, and possible rejection/criticism of any help or support, etc- and feels it is best for them to be away this time and let them getting on with it . Protecting her from more hurt rather than controlling.

Actually it does appear to be about her decision and that her son (and apparently his equally enmeshed siblings) refuse to accept it. Time to grow up and realize mummy doesn't owe adult offspring constant 'support'.

Ah I see it differently. She could have made that decision without making A Great Big Statement about the reasoning behind it.

OP addressed the childcare issue upthread.

@Nushyboots OMG what a sulky response. Both of you need to adult a bit more and stop putting weird expectations on other people to be heavily involved in the decisions you have made as a couple. You are VVVVV unreasonable.

What does the son need support at the hospital for, he's not giving birth.

Also please let me know where I can get one of these MIL, mine is forever fussing, won't leave us alone (despite having plenty of kids and lots of grandchildren), always interfering, drives us crazy.

🤣🤣🤣

I would imagine that the fact that you ‘ couldn’t give a toss’ probably has been picked up on by MIL and she has decided to withdraw to a distance she feels comfortable with.

Maybe you were all a bit thick before new husband came along and she has now decided to draw up some boundaries.

I find it interesting that you mentioned she didn’t know your own mother was coming to stay when she booked the holiday. Maybe you have made it quite clear in the past what the pecking order is with regards to your own mother and she decided to take herself out of the situation to give you some space at what is a very emotional time.

I’m a MIL to son in laws and I try very hard to give space and respect to the other MIL’s as daughters quite often (naturally) gravitate towards their own mothers.

As a MIL despite your best efforts sometimes you can’t do right or wrong 🤷🏼‍♀️

Interpreted this way it does seem weird and hurtful. But hard to tell from the OP what the MIL really meant. She hasn't explicitly stated she's booking her holidays so she doesn't see the baby.
Personally I wouldn't hold it against her. Imo your DH and his siblings are overreacting and expecting a lot of unnecessary involvement from their mum. Wonder if there's a guilt tripping element to their relationship as well, hence her starting to withdraw. Could be so many personal reasons though - she is human and has a life of her own afterall, which doesn't have to revolve around children and grandchildren.

I suspect there was a reason to make a big statement necessary.

Do you? Why do you think that, or are you projecting your own experiences onto what the OP has been saying?

We don't know that the OP's MIL was 'unhealthily enmeshed' with her offspring and that she's now decided to withdraw. We don't know if her husband is manipulating her into withdrawing from her children. Either of those could be true, but that's still pure speculation so all we can do is take the OP at her word and not add bad faith motives of our own.

so i feel i need to clarify and address a few questions from previous posters:

1)yes this is our fourth baby but what difference does that make? after a loss prior to this which she is aware of, all babies are blessings.
2) it is the deliberate booking of the holiday over the due date after double checking due date which is irking husband. no one begrudges her and husband a holiday at all.
3) she does very little in regards to any of her grandchildren, does not babysit ( we live 3 hours away so she does not babysit for us) any of her grandchildren and makes excuses to avoid it or cancels attendances at family events.
4) Her husband is the solo earner and since she has stopped working 8 years ago -she does not go anywhere without him - concerns about being controlling from posters seems very valid now...
5) we are not jealous at all in MIL lifestyle as both serving military and living comfortable lives...so that judgement is unnecessary.
6) previous births she has had unlimited access to our children as both my parents do not live in uk and i always saw her as a mother figure in my eyes but has changed post lockdown and her new increasing distance.

we work hard, don't ask them for anything so this was right out of left field especially as she previously had such a beautiful bond with her sons...

no one begrudges her and husband a holiday at all.

Really? Your first post says Hubby is really pissed off as this is the 3rd holiday they have been on this year

Asking for a due date so she can book a holiday over it?

What a bloody lunatic.

TBH you're probably lucky that she's going to be away when you have your baby. She sounds like a nightmare.

Your husband needs to accept that he doesn't have a proper mother. He will be liberated when he does this. My father is beyond selfish and has no interest in me and my siblings. It's very liberating once you can come to terms with the fact that you should have a proper parent but you don't. So you can focus on the people in your life who are not wankers and move on.

You start this by going very low contact.

What’s the issue. Most women, certainly on here would be delighted that their mil couldn’t visit after they’ve given birth. I think your husband is overreacting.

Your husband needs to accept that he doesn't have a proper mother.

Please define a “proper mother”.

Not a week goes past on MN without someone complaining that their MIL won’t give them peace with their new baby and wants to visit all the time. Now today we have another MIL complaint about the opposite…

MIL’s can’t win. All I’ll say is, with luck you’ll be one yourself someday and hopefully you’ll not have a DIL like you are being.

As for they’ve has 3 holidays this year!? Lucky them, hope they enjoyed them. Do you think they need to ask your permission?

Hubby, bubs ! not any worse than hun !

Op, you said

she does very little in regards to any of her grandchildren, does not babysit ( we live 3 hours away so she does not babysit for us) any of her grandchildren and makes excuses to avoid it or cancels attendances at family events.

Did she do this before her second marriage? If she did, I'd say she simply doesn't like being around small children. If she didn't, I'd be concerned new husband is isolating her from the family, especially with him being the sole breadwinner.