MIL on holiday over baby due date

[Nushyboots]

So AIBU or more importantly are we being unreasonable?

My hubby and his mother have had a 'good' relationship from what I have seen since we have been together (12 years). However since lockdown her and her husband ( she remarried ages ago ) have become increasingly detached from hubby and his two brothers families, she has gone from popping in or going on little breaks with us all as group to making excuses and avoiding having to spend too much time with us all.

So we are expecting our little bubs in June and she asked what the dates were as said she wants to book a holiday across the due date. I gave her the date, she then messaged hubby and said she has booked holiday across due date with 5 days either side being away. Hubby is really pissed off as this is the 3rd holiday they have been on this year as MIL doesnt work and FIL is semi retired due to health issues ( not managed well Diabetes related issues) He was unhappy when she told him and although my mother has come from overseas to visit and has decided to stay for the birth at the time of the holiday booking we nor MIL knew that she has surprised us with staying for the birth.

She is oblivious that hubby is upset and refuses to engage with her really anymore. He says he isnt even going to tell her when baby arrives if she is away as she obviously doesnt care ( going on holiday to usual hotel in usual resort)

is he being unreasonable? any advice for him?

@burnttoad

she can’t expect to have support when she is really old? Are you forgetting all the years she’ll have given to her kids when they were little.

you don’t have to be grandparent of the year to deserve some support and not be chucked in a home no contact as so many people on here advocate it their parents don’t commit to endless childcare on tap.

Where does she say that? I can only see a reference to a daughter from a previous marriage.

A whole lot of projection going on!

Yes, I’ll put my hands up to that. My last birthday was a revelation, I suddenly realised just how few years I have left on this planet and that those in good health will be even fewer. So I’m going to spend them pleasing myself. I’ve done parenting, I’ve done caring daughtering and it’s my turn to be a bit selfish now. I hope OP’s mil has reached the same conclusion.

Hubby and bubs - give me strength. Your husband is being totally unreasonable.

As I read this, I wondered if MIL’s husband is controlling and trying to isolate her from her children. Just a thought.

My mum did this too…or tried to. I can't believe we actually brought forward an elective CS so that she was around (for a day) before she went abroad for a month.

"little bubs" - what???

This is more letters than 'baby'

I get where you're coming from OP.

My MIL informed us, a week before my due date, that she had booked a last minute holiday and she was leaving on the due date.

My husband visibly turned as white as a sheet. He asked her why she would do this when her first grandchild was about to be born and she replied that first pregnancies are always a fortnight late.

MIL met her grandson when he was 15 days old. My husband has never forgiven her. He assumed she was as excited as we were about the baby.

MIL then went to live abroad and missed our three children's childhoods. She said that she'd be able to spend more quality time with the grandchildren while she was abroad because she would send them plane tickets every school holiday. It never happened. We were never invited and when she came back to visit approximately every other year she would spend half an hour with us moaning about the weather and then disappear.

She came back to the UK a couple of years ago - our children now have their own children and she wonders why no one wants anything to do with her.

We've heard that she bad mouths all her family to anyone who will listen.

Exactly. She could easily have said, 'we're going to go away, give you some peace & look forward to meeting baby when we're back & your settled'

Holiday? Surely you mean holibobs? 😆

YABU using the term "little bubs". 😠

Sorry, but you are self absorbed, OP. Though a new baby feels momentous for you, you can't expect it to be that big a deal for other people. You and your baby are not the centre of the universe with everyone orbiting around you.

That's your choice - enjoy! It's too easy for women to get stuck in a caring rut and suddenly their life is over and that's it and they've given everything they've got to other people. But, on the other hand, older people, even mums, are capable of being selfish arseholes, just like anyone else. Everyone's situation is different.

Good for you. There's no one so disapproved of as a woman doing exactly what she pleases. Funnily enough, men rarely come in for the same flack and they usually do what they please.

I get this. It's not the idea that she is going on holiday and won't be there for the birth. It's the fact she specifically asked for your due date and made a point of telling you that she had purposefully booked to go away precisely on that date and the days around it. It feels like it was done to make a point and draw attention to the fact that she was going away. If she'd just had a holiday booked and hadn't asked about the due date and hadn't followed up to tell you that she chose to go away exactly then, then it wouldn't be an issue. It feels like it was done to be intentionally hurtful.

MIL's husband sounds controlling. Abusive men try to make you miss important events.

Agreed, she should have made it clear. And OP should and DH should have talked to her and discussed why, instead of coming on MN and getting all ariated.

From generation to generation, on and on and on some more- we all want to avoid mistakes made by our own parents- and do things differently. Fair enough- but it goes round and round, and nobody has the common sense to talk about feelings and just quietly say how they feel and ask others the same.

When OP becomes the MIL, she probably will hover around like crazy to make up for the above- and drive her AC and dil or sil bonkers.

Agree. I hope she enjoys life and all her holidays.

Honestly, I think that post is more helpful than the dozens of posters who are sneering at her language choices.

Another one suggesting that DH and his siblings look very carefully at the dynamics of MIL and her husband's relationship, OP. She might be simply motivated to enjoy her retirement now that her children are adults, or she might have a controlling DH who is gradually isolating her from her support network. It's impossible to say but you / DH should keep an eye on it.

That's one of the most sensible suggestions I've seen on this thread. The potential for her husband being a controlling man is the one thing about this that concerns me.

Have you let FIL know that you think his health issues are of his own making? You know… with the not managed well diabetes?
I think there was some entirely unnecessary judgement in that statement I’d guess they may have picked up a vibe of you being a self absorbed, judgemental and insufferable pain in the ass.

YABU for using "bubs" and "hubby"

Cringey! 😖

I suspect that the previous three births influenced her decision not to be around for the fourth.