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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL on holiday over baby due date

440 replies

Nushyboots · 23/04/2024 20:02

So AIBU or more importantly are we being unreasonable?

My hubby and his mother have had a 'good' relationship from what I have seen since we have been together (12 years). However since lockdown her and her husband ( she remarried ages ago ) have become increasingly detached from hubby and his two brothers families, she has gone from popping in or going on little breaks with us all as group to making excuses and avoiding having to spend too much time with us all.

So we are expecting our little bubs in June and she asked what the dates were as said she wants to book a holiday across the due date. I gave her the date, she then messaged hubby and said she has booked holiday across due date with 5 days either side being away. Hubby is really pissed off as this is the 3rd holiday they have been on this year as MIL doesnt work and FIL is semi retired due to health issues ( not managed well Diabetes related issues) He was unhappy when she told him and although my mother has come from overseas to visit and has decided to stay for the birth at the time of the holiday booking we nor MIL knew that she has surprised us with staying for the birth.

She is oblivious that hubby is upset and refuses to engage with her really anymore. He says he isnt even going to tell her when baby arrives if she is away as she obviously doesnt care ( going on holiday to usual hotel in usual resort)

is he being unreasonable? any advice for him?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 23/04/2024 20:17

Sounds like they were all totally enmeshed, Mum has now withdrawn to a normal distance and they can't deal with it. They need to process it and stop getting annoyed with her.

BoohooWoohoo · 23/04/2024 20:17

Do you need them to look after an older child ?

ThomasinaLivesHere · 23/04/2024 20:17

Does your husband and his siblings get on with their mother’s husband? Is that the reason for the growing distance?

DirtyDuchess · 23/04/2024 20:19

It is very strange that she asked for your due date and then made sure she wasn't around. In light of what else you've said about her drawing away from everyone maybe it's time to have a little chat to see if all is well.

Good luck for the birth x

WickerMam · 23/04/2024 20:19

I can see why it's annoying. My ILs went on holiday when DC1 was born, and them being away causes a lot of stress.

DC ended up needing emergency surgery, and they were getting irate that we didn't answer the phone the second they called for an update, and we would come out after hours in NICU to 20 missed calls and arsey phone messages, and then they never answered when we were available to call back. It really damaged their relationship with my DH, tbh.

shepherdsangeldelight · 23/04/2024 20:19

I suspect there is a huge backstory here about MIL always being emotionally distant and DH always trying to do something to feel validated.

OchonAgusOchonOh · 23/04/2024 20:20

Oh come on. It's obviously not the fact the mil is going on holidays at that time that is the issue. It's the fact she specifically asked for the due date so she could make sure she is away at the time of the birth. Of course it's a kick in the teeth to her son to effectively tell him that not only is she not interested in the birth of his child but that she is actively ensuring she is not going to be anywhere near when it happens.

MississippiAF · 23/04/2024 20:22

Update doesn’t really change anything, OP. Sounds like DH and his DB liked her being around for them primarily, and resent her life with her DH.

I wouldn’t take kindly to anyone telling me I had been on enough holidays already this year.

Original poster
Nushyboots · 23/04/2024 20:22

also apologise for using 'hubs and bubs' as pointed out by numerous responders as i didn't actually want to write a novel 🙄if thats whats you have gathered as being unreasonable then I guess I have somehow posted this in the wrong group entirely.

@ThomasinaLivesHere Her husband has stirred trouble between the boys and their mum in the past and off and on recently. His daughter from previous marriage also is getting the steady brush off from them - refusing to babysit grandson/last minute dipping out of commitments etc. So it isnt just my husband, But they all feel strongly at her withdrawal from her grandchildren's lives in preference of her husband but yet still bombards us all with messages to try stay in the loop rather than just being PRESENT.

OP posts:
Squish12 · 23/04/2024 20:23

I can't see what the problem is personally. But I don't like loads of people rushing round right after I've given birth, so I'd be happy with with people coming a little later.

What reason did she give for wanting to book a holiday over your due date? This seems a little bit weird on her part. Like she's trying to make a point about something? Has she been excluded from seeing a grandchild straight after they were born before?

VeraForever · 23/04/2024 20:24

Given the sheer volume of parents to be that have posted, on here, about wanting their parents/in laws to fuck off for months after the birth, I find your post rather refreshing .

It's odd that your in laws are going away but I suspect that the feel that they don't want to be in the way.

Createausername1970 · 23/04/2024 20:24

It is odd to specifically book a holiday at the same time as your due dates. I wouldn't say it was unreasonable - unless she had previously agreed to be on hand to look after other children/pets etc.

But it's unreasonable on your part to be complaining about the number of holidays they are taking. I am in my 60s now and very aware that my years on this planet are decreasing. I am not currently retired, but when I am I would be annoyed if my family begrudged me enjoying my retirement.

Iwasafool · 23/04/2024 20:24

It seems impossible for a mother/mil to get it right, they are too pushy, shouldn't be there for a week/fortnight/month so the little family can bond, or on the other hand they couldn't careless, don't offer to springclean the house, cook cordon bleu meals and hover constantly in case the proud new parents have any other commands.

YouveGotAFastCar · 23/04/2024 20:25

she is steadily withdrawing from her grandchildren's lives

Then let her. Kicking off about it won't change anything. She knows what she's doing. Perhaps she feels she wants some freedom now to travel, after raising her kids? Perhaps she feels unwanted. Perhaps she's not really thought about it, but is just being involved as she wants to be.

It's not unusual for grandparents to love the idea of being a grandparent more than the reality.

Your husband is being a bit bizarre and entitled, and it might be worth talking through why he feels as he does. What other expectations does he have of his mum? Why does he feel she should pause her life for this? It's very exciting for you - it's a much loved grandchild for her, but one that will still be there when she's back, and perhaps she'd have preferred not to have visitors in the first 5 days when her children were born? It's not uncommon to not have anyone visit for at least a week or so now. My midwife recommended two!

RoderickHosclassicblackhoodie · 23/04/2024 20:25

Of course it's a kick in the teeth to her son to effectively tell him that not only is she not interested in the birth of his child but that she is actively ensuring she is not going to be anywhere near when it happens.

Or she can't cope with no longer being the primary mother figure iyswim. Honestly I suspect she's doing you all a favour. Doesn't sound like she'd behave the way you want even if she was there.

Original poster
Nushyboots · 23/04/2024 20:27

note no one is complaining about them having holidays - its the deliberate choosing to be away over the due date that is annoying my husband. they can holiday every day of the year no one is bothered...the dates is the sticking point.

@OchonAgusOchonOh @WickerMam @DirtyDuchess snap! this is kind of where my questions are at

OP posts:
muddyford · 23/04/2024 20:28

There have been several threads where the new mother doesn't want visitors for a few weeks after the birth. Perhaps your MIL has read them.

FrannieGallops · 23/04/2024 20:28

Hubby and Bubs? 🤮

It’s your baby, not hers. She’ll see you when she gets back.

Pickledprawn · 23/04/2024 20:29

I think you're getting a hard time with these responses. Of course MIL is entitled to go on holiday etc but I can understand why your husband is upset that she isn't more interested in her grandchild. Perhaps he could just express this to her and see what she says, maybe she is just enjoying her new relationship so much she hasn't really thought about it.

UrbanFan · 23/04/2024 20:29

Good on MIL for choosing to live her own life and prioritise herself.

TheSnowyOwl · 23/04/2024 20:30

Surely you only need to read the endless posts on here to realise most people want to be home alone with their newborn and not have guests.

YABU.

CMOTDibbler · 23/04/2024 20:30

I get the upset tbh. Mil/FIL booked to be away for 7 weeks over ds (and we'd been through recurrent miscarriages and it was to their holiday home so not a massive trip) due date.
He was born 5 weeks early, and then they were a pita about updates, hand wringing over not seeing him etc. But largely it was setting the pattern for the rest of his childhood that they just weren't really interested in him in any practical way

Topseyt123 · 23/04/2024 20:30

I really don't see the issue here. You'll get several days to bond with the baby with just you, DH and probably your mother. MIL will be back a few days later and will surely come round then?!

My PIL used to own a holiday apartment in Majorca and they were there when I had DD1 (our first baby and their first grandchild). DH enjoyed phoning them there to tell them that they had just become grandparents. They were very excited and able to celebrate with all of their friends there.

They booked flights to come home and meet DD within a few days. All fine. I'd had a traumatic birth so was happy that the visits were spread out a little.

PinkyFlamingo · 23/04/2024 20:31

Well why doesnt he ask her then why she wants to be away?

MrsTeepee · 23/04/2024 20:31

Completely understand why DH would be upset, it only happens once, surely they could go away a few weeks earlier and be there so he can share the brilliant news when it happens. Maybe I'm 'self absorbed' too, but family is important and in my view should be there for life's events.