MIL on holiday over baby due date

[Nushyboots]

So AIBU or more importantly are we being unreasonable?

My hubby and his mother have had a 'good' relationship from what I have seen since we have been together (12 years). However since lockdown her and her husband ( she remarried ages ago ) have become increasingly detached from hubby and his two brothers families, she has gone from popping in or going on little breaks with us all as group to making excuses and avoiding having to spend too much time with us all.

So we are expecting our little bubs in June and she asked what the dates were as said she wants to book a holiday across the due date. I gave her the date, she then messaged hubby and said she has booked holiday across due date with 5 days either side being away. Hubby is really pissed off as this is the 3rd holiday they have been on this year as MIL doesnt work and FIL is semi retired due to health issues ( not managed well Diabetes related issues) He was unhappy when she told him and although my mother has come from overseas to visit and has decided to stay for the birth at the time of the holiday booking we nor MIL knew that she has surprised us with staying for the birth.

She is oblivious that hubby is upset and refuses to engage with her really anymore. He says he isnt even going to tell her when baby arrives if she is away as she obviously doesnt care ( going on holiday to usual hotel in usual resort)

is he being unreasonable? any advice for him?

So, given your update, this does sound increasingly out of character & I'd be slightly concerned about the new husband. What's he like?

I think your DH & his siblings need to talk to her & find out what's going on.

1)yes this is our fourth baby but what difference does that make?

It makes all the difference in the world, I’m afraid, to anyone other than you and your DH. First babies get all the gifts and adoration and fuss. It decreases exponentially with each subsequent baby.

First time parents are inundated with flowers and best wishes. Baby 3 or 4 will get a couple of cards and gifts, but nothing like the grand production of a first baby. It’s not fair on the baby, obviously, but luckily s/he’s too young to notice or care.

^This.

Which is what I think the OP makes clear in her post

Maybe DH should grow up.

That’s one way of looking at it.

It's not childish to want your parents to care

You don’t have to arrange a holiday round the birth of a fourth child to care. It’s childish in the extreme, if he’s old either to father four children he’s old enough to cope with his mum having a holiday.

My thoughts exactly. I really don't see the issue. His mum's not going to be in the room with him...

Fuck me! This is what I wanted to say but thought I'd be a bitch for it!

@BIossomtoes

You don’t have to arrange a holiday round the birth of a fourth child to care. It’s childish in the extreme, if he’s old either to father four children he’s old enough to cope with his mum having a holiday.
No one arranged a holiday around the event. They specifically asked when the due date was so they could intentionally arrange for their holiday during the event. I don't know whether people genuinely don't find this odd or whether you are being obtuse.

Don't see the problem. To be very honest, babies are boring and all look the same, grandchild or no grandchild. Presumably the baby will still be there in 5 days time, so she can see her/him then. No issue.

@Nushyboots first child frequently arrives more than 5 days late. She could well be trying to keep herself busy/stay out of the way for the birth so that she doesn't annoy you all and get in the way. I really don't see what the problem is here?

i wouldn’t have minded if my in laws were away

actually most women wouldn’t miss their MIL. Newborn or not

My own mother booked holidays for the times at which both my children were due. What made it hurt even more when I had my first was that she used to be a midwife so absolutely understood what was involved and how much support a first time mum might need. I found it very difficult at the time and it's definitely affected my relationship with my parents.

Same old MN - don’t agree with me? You’re being obtuse/unreasonable/mental. Try rereading my post slowly, then accuse me of being obtuse.

I think there's a difference between giving them some space and deliberately booking a vacation over the delivery dates if your grandchild. And this also has to be taken in context of the other information OP gave that she has been pulling away from them.

We're really not trying to claim it's normal to confirm when your grandchild will be born then book vacation for those dates plus 5 days before and after?

If your daughter was giving birth will you choose that moment to travel? What if she needs help and support? What if there are difficulties with the delivery? It is it fine because it's her DIL?

I’m so confused by this thread.

86% really think that it’s normal for a grandmother to ask for the due date of her grandchild so she can purposefully arrange to be out of the country?

mumsnet is like another planet sometimes. I don’t know anyone who wouldn’t find this at least a bit odd, if not incredibly hurtful.

I just think there are lots of people who don't read the post properly or who are bored and like to be obtuse. Of course it's weird to ask when a special event is and say you want to know so you can make sure you are not around for it.
'When is your birthday?'
'Next Thursday'
'I'll make sure I book something so I am nowhere near you for Thursday then' 🫤

I could have written your post about my parents…

Am I misreading this OP or has she purposely booked a holiday during your due date and 5 days either side of it?

I was very close to my dm and she booked a holiday wheh my second was due. I didn’t think anything of it. She wasn’t going to be at the birth and there was plenty of time afterwards for her to meet my dc. As it turned out I was ridiculously late anyway so she was there the day after the birth!!

It's very unlikely you would want your mother in law there straight after you have given birth so it really doesn't matter. Lots of people have horrendous labours/ births etc so it's not a fun, social time with everyone meeting the baby.
I was so unwell I was hallucinating having lost so much blood and they "forgot" to give me the blood transfusion needed and I was sent home where I passed out and an ambulance was called. I wouldn't have noticed or cared if my mother in law was there. You have more important things to worry about. Maybe she had a similar horrific time so wants to make sure you are left in peace to recover and she will come and see you when you feel up to visitors.

I think your DH is right to be saddened by this. It just shows she’s not interested in the baby. I’d want to be there in case I was needed for whatever reason after the birth to support my kid and their partner. And of course to meet my new grandkid. To holiday over the period when they could go anytime is rubbish :-/