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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL on holiday over baby due date

440 replies

Nushyboots · 23/04/2024 20:02

So AIBU or more importantly are we being unreasonable?

My hubby and his mother have had a 'good' relationship from what I have seen since we have been together (12 years). However since lockdown her and her husband ( she remarried ages ago ) have become increasingly detached from hubby and his two brothers families, she has gone from popping in or going on little breaks with us all as group to making excuses and avoiding having to spend too much time with us all.

So we are expecting our little bubs in June and she asked what the dates were as said she wants to book a holiday across the due date. I gave her the date, she then messaged hubby and said she has booked holiday across due date with 5 days either side being away. Hubby is really pissed off as this is the 3rd holiday they have been on this year as MIL doesnt work and FIL is semi retired due to health issues ( not managed well Diabetes related issues) He was unhappy when she told him and although my mother has come from overseas to visit and has decided to stay for the birth at the time of the holiday booking we nor MIL knew that she has surprised us with staying for the birth.

She is oblivious that hubby is upset and refuses to engage with her really anymore. He says he isnt even going to tell her when baby arrives if she is away as she obviously doesnt care ( going on holiday to usual hotel in usual resort)

is he being unreasonable? any advice for him?

OP posts:
Scarletttulips · 23/04/2024 20:04

What difference is it going to make long term?

She’ll have a holiday and see the baby after.

patchworkpal · 23/04/2024 20:04

I'm sorry just to be clear here are you both upset that she's booked a holiday away when your baby is due? Or has she booked holiday to see you?

Haydenn · 23/04/2024 20:05

She probably assumes she won’t be welcome at the birth and hospital so rather than being tempted to crowd you has withdrawn herself from the equation. Would you honestly like her to be one of the MIL battering down the hospital door to see you straight away?

patchworkpal · 23/04/2024 20:06

Re read it why is your husband annoyed she's gone on holiday 3 times? I'm genuinely not sure what he issue is

Casmama · 23/04/2024 20:06

How odd to make so sure she is away at the time of the birth and even stranger that he hasn't asked her why!

MalbecandToast · 23/04/2024 20:06

I really cannot see the problem, she is clearly enjoying her retirement with her husband. Good for them! I think covid made a lot of us reprioritize things after travel etc was not an option. You and your DH are adults, you don't need his mother there for the birth of your child. She will no doubt visit when she is back. You sound quite self-absorbed OP - possibly another reason why she gives you space.

CinnabarRed · 23/04/2024 20:07

i genuinely don’t understand why you and your DH are so upset. Was it that you wanted practical support (and if so what kind)? Or emotional support (which she can still give you anyway)?

CinnabarRed · 23/04/2024 20:07

Plus there’s a very good chance that the baby won’t come in that 10 day window anyway.

Changingplace · 23/04/2024 20:08

Considering so many people complain their MILs want to literally be in the delivery room and pronounce the baby is theirs I think you’re being unreasonable.

She can see the baby when she’s back, what did you actually expect her to do the minute it’s born?

Why is how many holidays they take an issue overall? I hope when I’m retired I can make the best use of my time and have lots of nice trips away!

MississippiAF · 23/04/2024 20:08

What’s the issue?

This is very PFB.

Starfish1021 · 23/04/2024 20:08

Why didn’t he just ask her directly? I don’t think it’s a massive issue as there will be plenty of time to meet the baby post birth.

shoppingshamed · 23/04/2024 20:09

I think he's being unreasonable, why does he expect his mum to not do something because you're having a baby?

Unless she's the midwife why is it an issue?

QueSyrahSyrah · 23/04/2024 20:12

Another one who doesn't understand the issue. What difference will it make if she's around on the due date or not?

DoreenonTill8 · 23/04/2024 20:12

Is this a reverse? Sounds like she's read the mn guide to being a mil!

Maray1967 · 23/04/2024 20:13

Families have different dynamics - it would be unthinkable in some for baby’s DGPs to be away near the birth date - for other families it isn’t an issue. In this case there is clearly an expectation of granny being there - and I don’t think I’d book a holiday around the time of my future DGC being born. I wouldn’t be barging my way in, but I’d be ready to help.

Popetthetreehugger · 23/04/2024 20:13

🤣you are totally unreasonable to use words such as hubby and bubs . Your mums going to be there … so what’s the problem ?

Cantalever · 23/04/2024 20:14

In my family it was considered good manners and the kind thing to do to not crowd new mother and baby immediately, but to keep slight distance, though available if needed, until the new parents were ready and settled at home, and wanting to invite others in. I don't get deliberately going on holiday though.

ThomasinaLivesHere · 23/04/2024 20:14

I think it’s a bit strange specifically booking a holiday to be away for a grandchild’s birth. Fair enough if it was already booked or this was the only date that suited.Though given the amount of threads complaining about overbearing MILs I’m sure many would love this.

HappyEater · 23/04/2024 20:14

What did you need her around for? Babysitting siblings? Family photo opportunities for social media?

RebeccaCloud9 · 23/04/2024 20:14

I think the REAL issue is that your DH is feeling left out and unloved by his mum after she has remarried and feels that she should be more involved and interested in this massive thing in his life.

CommentNow · 23/04/2024 20:14

Is it yur first or we're yo hoping she would do childcare?

RoderickHosclassicblackhoodie · 23/04/2024 20:14

You are the only person I've ever heard of who actually wanted their MIL around 😂

Original poster
Nushyboots · 23/04/2024 20:15

I understand that this has probably come across as quote ' self absorbed', however my husband and his mother were actually very close. We don't expect her to be 'at the delivery room banging down doors' etc however she is the mother in law to complain she is being excluded etc whilst she is steadily withdrawing from her grandchildren's lives ( not just ours. his siblings kids too)

We do live a considerable distance from her so we dont expect her to be there and to be honest personally I dont give a toss if she is in the country or not or even present. however my husband is really affected that she has decided to go on holiday..which his brothers actually feel the same way about it.

OP posts:
BeaRF75 · 23/04/2024 20:16

YABU on 3 counts:

  1. "Hubby"
  2. "Bubs"
  3. Why can't the poor woman go on holiday? People on here usually coomplain about the MIL muscling in too soon after the birth, but this kind MIL is going to give the new family some space and privacy when they most need it. She sounds fab!
patchworkpal · 23/04/2024 20:17

I really don't see the issue. I don't know why you need her around? She'll see you when she's back?