MIL on holiday over baby due date

[Nushyboots]

So AIBU or more importantly are we being unreasonable?

My hubby and his mother have had a 'good' relationship from what I have seen since we have been together (12 years). However since lockdown her and her husband ( she remarried ages ago ) have become increasingly detached from hubby and his two brothers families, she has gone from popping in or going on little breaks with us all as group to making excuses and avoiding having to spend too much time with us all.

So we are expecting our little bubs in June and she asked what the dates were as said she wants to book a holiday across the due date. I gave her the date, she then messaged hubby and said she has booked holiday across due date with 5 days either side being away. Hubby is really pissed off as this is the 3rd holiday they have been on this year as MIL doesnt work and FIL is semi retired due to health issues ( not managed well Diabetes related issues) He was unhappy when she told him and although my mother has come from overseas to visit and has decided to stay for the birth at the time of the holiday booking we nor MIL knew that she has surprised us with staying for the birth.

She is oblivious that hubby is upset and refuses to engage with her really anymore. He says he isnt even going to tell her when baby arrives if she is away as she obviously doesnt care ( going on holiday to usual hotel in usual resort)

is he being unreasonable? any advice for him?

Yes, another good possibility.

MILs really can’t win. If they want to be around for the birth they are interfering and if they go away they are being uncaring. You've got your own Mum. There’s plenty of time later for MIL to get to know the baby.

Just ignore the responses mentioning "hubby" and "bubs". It's not even relevent to the story and so why people feel the need to comment is beyond me. I agree it's strange that she would specially choose to go away. You would think she would want to be closer not further away at that time. I get why your husband is upset. It's odd

Have I got this right. She has deliberately booked to go away when the baby is due? What a very odd thing to do. I'd be a bit upset if she was my mum too

She's giving you space as a new mum and new family. She also knows you have your own mum there. She's gone through this all herself and so she might know a thing more than you. Sitting in a maternity pad, sleep deprived and leaking milk wasn't my favourite inlaw occasion.

Unless you had expressed a desire for her to provide specific help during or immediately after the birth she's not being unreasonable.

Why does it matter? If my MIL was on holiday for the birth I’d be quite happy!

I think DH should look at it like his mum worked hard being a mum which is no easy job. Now it’s time for her to enjoy life and sometimes it doesn’t always fit with eveyone’s else’s timetable. Sometimes she has to put her R and R time first.

Your husband is a grown man - if he is unhappy with his mother over her behaviour towards him, he needs to sit down with her and have the difficult conversation and tell her how he feels.

YABU for using hubby and bubs

Is this your fourth child? If so that makes a difference.

Also where is his Dad in all of this? Why so much pressure on his Mum?

And if there is a concern why is no one checking in on her to make sure she's ok? This seems to be all about what her kids need from her.

So she asked the dates to make sure she would be out of the country. Well her choice and can understand how your husband and his siblings feel about her withdrawal.

What needs to be addressed is why.

If they are also doing that with SFinL's family too, could it be that its him that driving this not her? Is she being controlled, isolated, abused? Does she actually want this? These are all questions that need to be answered.

As you live some distance from your MIL I don't see why her maybe being on holiday when you have your baby ( few come on their due dates) will stop your husband contacting her if he wants unless she's camping in the middle of nowhere. This sounds more healthy than chomping at the bit to see the baby and making the birth all about her.

Actually 80% of births come in that exact time frame.

Maybe her other daughters-in-law did not want around for their births and banned her from the event. Maybe she is doing this to protect herself.

So we are expecting our little bubs in June and she asked what the dates were as said she wants to book a holiday across the due date. I gave her the date, she then messaged hubby and said she has booked holiday across due date with 5 days either side being away

If she wanted to be away when you gave birth she could have asked the dates and then said "oh dear we have a holiday booked for that time" and then went off and booked the holiday 😂but instead she literally told you she wanted to be away for it and then went and booked. Bizarre.

It sounds like she wants you to ask why she did that.

Where the hell are people getting this being OPs fourth pregnancy from? She hasn't said anything to that effect?

She said on other thread that this is her fourth.

Three holidays? The bitch!!!

Who is your husband to begrudge his mother holidays? Particularly if her husband has been suffering with ill health.

I’m perplexed as to why your husband is so upset about her being away over the due date and why, being upset, he hasn’t asked her why.

Does MIL have much involvement with other grandchildren? I wonder if she finds it a bit much at times. I know grannies who were enthusiastically caring for their first grandchild every week in their 50s but two more grandchildren later and trying to be “fair” to their children and with increasing years, finding it all too much. I’ve also been on large group camping holidays with three generations where the middle generation merrily abdicates all responsibility for their own kids, insisting they want to be in the caravan with the grandparents, and proceed to spend their break getting pissed and eating while granny wrangles their “spirited” children. A lot of people also seemed to lose confidence and oomph during the pandemic. It’s very sad.

Anyway unless she is awful in other ways, I’d to calm your husband down and let it pass. It might be nice to have family visits staggered rather than everyone wanting to descend at once.

Ok , so because you dont give a toss if she’s in the country or even present maybe she picked up on that . I mean , I guess she doesn’t want to be the dreaded overpowering MIL because she knows how you feel .

But surely it's the intent that's upsetting OPs DH?

People seem surprised that a new father might be keen for his own mother to meet his grandchild. It wouldn’t be unreasonable if a pre booked holiday happened to clash with the due date but, come on now, to actively go out of the way to be out of the country is sending a message. MIL is being U.

Exactly. If hubby is so disappointed by his mum's admittedly odd behaviour (asking for the due date only to book the holiday accordingly), then he should just ask her about it.

OP may be just fine with that since she doesn't like her anyway but all he needs to do is ask, it's such a nothingburger to get worked up over especially when the relationship's strained already. If she doesn't reply or declines to answer, at least you'll know where you stand and can adjust your expectations.

He's not a first time Dad. This is his fourth child.

MIL probably didn’t want to be asked to have your other three for a few weeks while you and DP lock the door and close the curtains to have bonding time with your newest one.

I’d leave the country too 😵‍💫

How weird, good on them making a nice life and doing things as it has nothing whatsoever to do with the children. My parents were away at my first a matter of days then they were straight over to see baby. Didn't bother me one bit that's why I have hubby 😁

If your husband doesn’t want to try and sit down and have a mature, open conversation with MIL about it, then just let it go.

My mum lives 3 hours away from me, and booked work to do the week of my second baby. She came to visit the week afterwards. Really not a big deal.