MIL on holiday over baby due date

[Nushyboots]

So AIBU or more importantly are we being unreasonable?

My hubby and his mother have had a 'good' relationship from what I have seen since we have been together (12 years). However since lockdown her and her husband ( she remarried ages ago ) have become increasingly detached from hubby and his two brothers families, she has gone from popping in or going on little breaks with us all as group to making excuses and avoiding having to spend too much time with us all.

So we are expecting our little bubs in June and she asked what the dates were as said she wants to book a holiday across the due date. I gave her the date, she then messaged hubby and said she has booked holiday across due date with 5 days either side being away. Hubby is really pissed off as this is the 3rd holiday they have been on this year as MIL doesnt work and FIL is semi retired due to health issues ( not managed well Diabetes related issues) He was unhappy when she told him and although my mother has come from overseas to visit and has decided to stay for the birth at the time of the holiday booking we nor MIL knew that she has surprised us with staying for the birth.

She is oblivious that hubby is upset and refuses to engage with her really anymore. He says he isnt even going to tell her when baby arrives if she is away as she obviously doesnt care ( going on holiday to usual hotel in usual resort)

is he being unreasonable? any advice for him?

It honestly sounds like your MIL has devoted a lot of her life to raising her children and grandchildren, she was maybe feeling unappreciated. She met a man, who appreciated her. She spent sometime stuck at home during lockdown when she realised maybe her kids didn’t need her as much as she thought or just couldn’t be arsed with it all. Lockdown lifted and she decided, like many people, to get away while she can. Especially if her husband is not well. She’s enjoying her retirement with her husband and it sounds like she’s having a lovely time. Your husband is being a spoilt child.

😆

Does he want her there?

It’s complicated with babies isn’t it as when they arrive could be anywhere in a 4-8 week window realistically.

Did your husband consider asking why they specifically booked holiday over the due dates? Its not like this will necessarily even be when the baby is born?

Yanbu. Mu own grandmother did this same thing exactly for my birth many many years ago. I was the first child for my father and he was very hurt.to be honest growing up we had a polite but distant relationship and there was no grief or sadness when she passed away.

Our dc was due after ils annual trip-which dh accompanied them on.. . Ds arrived early. Mil never forgave dh for refusing to go on their trip and leave us behind.. Been 9 years since we saw them... Some people have odd priorities ime.. But seems like a win if yours won't be around to me!!

@MrsTeepee I honestly don't understand the responses either - I come from a very large tight knit family and none of us would dream of doing this, we are always there on standby in case we are needed as family is important. Maybe its a cultural thing on my part? but not necessarily something that is bothered with these days by other families? we have lost a baby this year and tbh there have been two losses in the family between the brothers so maybe this is why brothers are more irked. But of course she can enjoy her husband and retirement on holiday but I can see why husband is not impressed with her choice of dates as whose mother would purposely avoid being available if needed or wanted for their child? I personally would never do this to my son's I would be in the country and available if needed for anything..apologies if that makes me self absorbed/unreasonable/silly/selfish

Hubby and little bubs can catch up with MIL another time? 🤷🏼‍♀️

That solves the problem of this new fangled idea that new mummies have to have a month bonding with their new born and baby daddy without outside interference I guess.

I’m sure MIL will be along with a gift and to hold baby for you to take a shower once your exclusive bonding month is over, and baby daddy has gone back to work and your mother has retreated back to the sanctuary she once called home.

Unless your DH is funding MILs holidays and lifestyle then he is being a d*.

He needs to grow up and stop acting like a brat. There'l be plenty of time for her to get to know the baby after the holiday if thats what he wants.

‘needed’ tells more of a story. What did you envisage needing her for? Childcare?

So basically she's cutting the apron strings and her men children are being put out that she's not at their beck and call?

I wish my MIL would do this 😆

So she asked for your due date and then specifically booked to be far away over that period of time?

Are you sure it’s not a misunderstanding? Either that it’s not what she meant, or that somehow she thinks this is what you asked for? eg did you ask her to book holiday to come and visit and she misinterpreted you wanted her to get lost?

I think you’re getting an unreasonably hard time on this thread.

Her being on holiday is not in itself an issue in my opinion, my own Mum was away when both of my children were born (holiday booked before I was pregnant).

It seems very odd that she specifically asked for the due date so she could make sure she’s away though, have either of you asked what her thinking is? It’s like she’s going out of her way to make the point that she doesn’t want to be involved. Perhaps there is more to her behaviour because that just seems such an odd thing to do.

@MississippiAF childcare? don't make me laugh, she doesnt babysit at all for any grandchildren.

Needed could be anything - from a shoulder to cry on if things (god forbid) go wrong and he needs his mum? If he is worried I go into theatre for an emergency like last time? who should he need more than his mum?

He needs to take her out and just have a conversation with her.

maybe she’s trying not crowd you during pregnancy and birth as from the posts in here most new mums are spitting blood if their MIL even suggests visiting too soon after baby is born. so she is just fleeing the scene.

either way, your DH needs to address how he is feeling with her head on rather than bottling it up and being upset she’s not a mind reader.

he should be upset she’s enjoy her retirement by holidaying. It’s weird.

Hmmm. Large tight family here, I think she's trying to help.

She is preemptively expecting you will need some time, and hopefully can come later.

It's one less thing for DH to juggle, manage, try and fit in if you don't feel up to visitors.

I had two babies in covid, DH was not even there for one, so I really wouldn't be concerned about this.

Your mum-in-law is entitled to live life as she chooses BUT when she makes a point of saying 'When's the baby due so I can make sure I'm away' she is going to drive a wedge between herself and her son.

I think you just need to accept this is how it is and act accordingly.

Maybe your MIL is a mumsnetter - and thought it best if she make herself scarce, for a while, after the birth of her DGC, in case she had an urge to hold the baby.

I get it and understand why your husband is upset.

My mother did similar. Had booked a holiday and was due to fly out two days after I gave birth.

For context, both sets of parents lived 2 hours away. My in laws visited straight away, but my mother said " why would we travel up, we're flying out in two days!". I never felt so lonely and unimportant to be honest. I'm sad that I never had any of my family visit me in hospital for any of my children's births, yet the in laws always made a huge effort. It grated even more over the years, as more grandchildren arrived, and seeing the effort my parents made to visit my multiple sister in laws babies.

Sounds wonderful! I can’t see what the problem is. Why do you need her to see you and the baby the minute you’ve given birth?

Not sure why it matters. My parents were in America on holiday when I had my second baby and no-one gave it a thought.

apologies if that makes me self absorbed/unreasonable/silly/selfish

You asked. Many families don't operate like yours and are perfectly healthy and happy. You aren't actually sorry so the 'apologies' are just PA. Why? People just have very different relationships.

She's moving the goalposts. But to a completely normal place. The boys will need to learn to process that.

And you asked who a DH would turn to for a shoulder. My DH would talk to me, his sister, his best friend, his other best friend. I would talk to DH, my best friend, my cousin, my other friends. And my mum, but she's not by any measure the only one.

I understand.

it just gives off a general “I don’t give a fuck” vibe. My parents and in-laws have several grandchildren between them and neither set would have dreamed of being away for the birth. Neither set was overbearing or intrusive, either.

It’s almost like there is a middle ground between “banging down the delivery room doors” to deliberately jetting off on holiday to avoid the birth.