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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL on holiday over baby due date

440 replies

Nushyboots · 23/04/2024 20:02

So AIBU or more importantly are we being unreasonable?

My hubby and his mother have had a 'good' relationship from what I have seen since we have been together (12 years). However since lockdown her and her husband ( she remarried ages ago ) have become increasingly detached from hubby and his two brothers families, she has gone from popping in or going on little breaks with us all as group to making excuses and avoiding having to spend too much time with us all.

So we are expecting our little bubs in June and she asked what the dates were as said she wants to book a holiday across the due date. I gave her the date, she then messaged hubby and said she has booked holiday across due date with 5 days either side being away. Hubby is really pissed off as this is the 3rd holiday they have been on this year as MIL doesnt work and FIL is semi retired due to health issues ( not managed well Diabetes related issues) He was unhappy when she told him and although my mother has come from overseas to visit and has decided to stay for the birth at the time of the holiday booking we nor MIL knew that she has surprised us with staying for the birth.

She is oblivious that hubby is upset and refuses to engage with her really anymore. He says he isnt even going to tell her when baby arrives if she is away as she obviously doesnt care ( going on holiday to usual hotel in usual resort)

is he being unreasonable? any advice for him?

OP posts:
beAsensible1 · 23/04/2024 20:58

Nushyboots · 23/04/2024 20:22

also apologise for using 'hubs and bubs' as pointed out by numerous responders as i didn't actually want to write a novel 🙄if thats whats you have gathered as being unreasonable then I guess I have somehow posted this in the wrong group entirely.

@ThomasinaLivesHere Her husband has stirred trouble between the boys and their mum in the past and off and on recently. His daughter from previous marriage also is getting the steady brush off from them - refusing to babysit grandson/last minute dipping out of commitments etc. So it isnt just my husband, But they all feel strongly at her withdrawal from her grandchildren's lives in preference of her husband but yet still bombards us all with messages to try stay in the loop rather than just being PRESENT.

It seems maybe both are less on hand now they’ve got each other, and the holidays are maybe them trying to extricate from the situation.

maybe they want space and less obligation from all their kids.

maybe they want to be less relied on.

thejadefish · 23/04/2024 20:59

My own parents were away on holiday on the due date of my first/their first GC (not deliberately to be fair - they booked it over 7 months in advance & I had wanted to wait until the 12 week tests before telling anyone so they didn't find out I was expecting until after they'd booked the holiday and would have lost the deposit had they cancelled). I was a little bit upset at the time but in retrospect it was a blessing. My parents worry about everything (baby having hiccups, by way of example) & as the birth wasn't straightforward the fact that they weren't contactable (away on a cruise) meant that I didn't have to manage their anxieties on top of my own. I can understand why your husband is upset. Its not the holiday as such, its that they deliberately booked it to avoid being there which, well disinterested is one thing but actively avoiding a big life event of someone you thought loved you is going to hurt. I don't think that he's being unreasonable. I don't really have any advice I'm afraid. Its very odd though the change in behaviour. You can change priorities/focus without actively snubbing people. Perhaps her husband is sicker than she's said, and she can't cope with anything else on top-even good things? We saw my in laws much less than usual in the first few months after DC1 was born. When DC1 was about 5/6 months old they told us that FIL had been diagnosed with cancer and I now think that he must have been undergoing diagnosis at that time so they had a lot on their plate plus didn't want to worry us.

BoudiccaOfSuburbia · 23/04/2024 20:59

Goodness! My Mum declined a holiday to be sure not to miss my due date.

I know lots of MNers have IL issues and keep relatives at arms length around birth, but there are also those of us who were so excited and proud and couldn’t wait to show off our babies to our own Mums and Dads.

I would have been gobsmacked and confused had my parents deliberately gone on hol for due date.

OP, can you have a gentle and open conversation with your MIL and find out what her thinking is?

beAsensible1 · 23/04/2024 21:02

Iwasafool · 23/04/2024 20:24

It seems impossible for a mother/mil to get it right, they are too pushy, shouldn't be there for a week/fortnight/month so the little family can bond, or on the other hand they couldn't careless, don't offer to springclean the house, cook cordon bleu meals and hover constantly in case the proud new parents have any other commands.

Don’t forget is stealing quality time by offering to babysit and encouraging me to “get some rest” but won’t clean my house!

Cammac · 23/04/2024 21:05

OP, can you have a gentle and open conversation with your MIL and find out what her thinking is

LOL! 😂 Maybe OP should, gently, keep her nose out of other peoples decisions to not be available when her DIL shouts “jump”.

MIL is old enough to make her own decisions. She doesn’t need to be interrogated!

Wishlist99 · 23/04/2024 21:05

Are you teenagers / disabled / have additional needs? If not then I can’t see what the issue is. Or if your MIL is the named midwife (as suggested above - hilarious 😆)

My PIL were on holiday during the due date / birth of my first born as they assumed we’d want a little bit of space for a week.

PrincessFionaCharming · 23/04/2024 21:09

I’m actually quite surprised by the replies on this thread. It
would never occur to me to go on holiday over my daughter’s due date. I’d want to be close if something went wrong, for a start.

Maddy70 · 23/04/2024 21:10

Another one not seeing the issue. Theyre enjoying their precious time together. They are away a few days

TedMullins · 23/04/2024 21:11

Does your DH not have friends in case he needs support? I’d have thought most people would’ve formed their own networks by adulthood and not expect mummy to be at their beck and call. She’s entitled to have her own life, and as unpalatable as it might be to you, she’s done her parenting, she isn’t obliged to be interested in her grandkids

Stressfordays · 23/04/2024 21:11

If they want to withdraw from their grandchildrens lives, that is their decision to make. But they'll reap what they sow in later life. Focus on those who wish to be present in your lives.

muggart · 23/04/2024 21:11

Maybe she doesn't want to get in the way? could be a communication issue. You need to ask her what her thinking is from a caring position to make sure she doesn't feel unwanted.

beAsensible1 · 23/04/2024 21:14

I do think if they’re both acting in the same and their behaviour has changed they are pulling back for a reason.

WeightoftheWorld · 23/04/2024 21:19

Cammac · 23/04/2024 21:05

OP, can you have a gentle and open conversation with your MIL and find out what her thinking is

LOL! 😂 Maybe OP should, gently, keep her nose out of other peoples decisions to not be available when her DIL shouts “jump”.

MIL is old enough to make her own decisions. She doesn’t need to be interrogated!

Haha yes, that was honestly one of the most ridiculous threads I've ever seen on here!

OP, chill, honestly. Its really not a big deal, wish them a pleasant holiday, they will meet baby once they're back. Sorted.

Original poster
Nushyboots · 23/04/2024 21:19

Thank you for all the replies - I gathered general opinion is we are being unreasonable and to be honest we have had a laugh reading the responses. Af few have been genuinely insightful and helpful (Thank you)

Husband has taken the stance that he won't be confronting his mother as suggested even from a'caring' perspective and following others advice let her withdraw from grandchildren's life and not actively try to involve her on that front anymore.he concedes It may not be a big deal to her so He has chosen to keep things in that vein and maintain the desired distance ( most of you have been clamouring) that she wishes.

OP posts:
HappyEater · 23/04/2024 21:20

This will be you and DH’s fourth child, is that right?

I do also think that makes a difference, sorry.

Sellingbedtime · 23/04/2024 21:21

No don't fret about it.

IMO it's one less person to entertain in the immediate aftermath.

It will have zero impact on the babys relationship with GP.

Its just another example of the world keeps turning.

patchworkpal · 23/04/2024 21:22

Is the thinking here that the new husband is forcing her to choose him over her kids?

itsmylife7 · 23/04/2024 21:23

You state she used to be very close to her sons until lockdown/covid.

Either the new Husband has put pressure on her to "choose" and she's chosen him.

During lockdown she decided to "live her life" if she didn't catch covid and die (remember the hysteria at that time)
She loves her new found freedom and is living her life as a women,not a Mother.

Zippedydoodahday · 23/04/2024 21:23

Do you think it's possible that the new husband is abusive and is trying to alienate her from her family?

Cammac · 23/04/2024 21:29

Haha yes, that was honestly one of the most ridiculous threads I've ever seen on here

I know right! Comedy gold! 😂 I bloody love MN 😁

Pearsplums · 23/04/2024 21:32

Nushyboots · 23/04/2024 21:19

Thank you for all the replies - I gathered general opinion is we are being unreasonable and to be honest we have had a laugh reading the responses. Af few have been genuinely insightful and helpful (Thank you)

Husband has taken the stance that he won't be confronting his mother as suggested even from a'caring' perspective and following others advice let her withdraw from grandchildren's life and not actively try to involve her on that front anymore.he concedes It may not be a big deal to her so He has chosen to keep things in that vein and maintain the desired distance ( most of you have been clamouring) that she wishes.

I think it’s quite stubborn and passive aggressive to not even have an adult discussion with her about it. The fact that you put “caring” in quotes speaks volumes. I assume you don’t like her?

JeepSleeHack · 23/04/2024 21:34

She’s become withdrawn. Drops out of family social commitments and no longer drops in. Has an ill husband. Is also withdrawing from other sons and step daughter.

Im wondering if she’s okay tbh.

ThomasinaLivesHere · 23/04/2024 21:35

I think those who are surprised haven’t been on MN long. I’ve seen threads from people with cancer who wanted one time help from a parent to be told they’re being unreasonable to expect their parent to cancel cinema tickets to help their child.

LenaLamont · 23/04/2024 21:39

HappyEater · 23/04/2024 21:20

This will be you and DH’s fourth child, is that right?

I do also think that makes a difference, sorry.

Yes, that makes a world of difference.

LookItsMeAgain · 23/04/2024 21:41

Take your lead on this from your DH. If he doesn’t want his mother/father/whoever around then just support him with that decision.

I’d also put Mil & FiL on an information diet. Stop sharing stuff with them.

That’s my take on the matter.