I messed up. She won't speak to me now, wwyd?

[SullyW]

the woman i've been dating has gone silent on me after i apologised for some clumsy words i said during an argument. she's really sensitive, which i am glad for, but now i feel like i have to watch every word i say. it's like i'm always walking on eggshells, and it's really taking a toll on my self-esteem.

on the phone on Saturday night, we talked about how i behaved around her friends during a night out. i had a few drinks and made a joke that she didn't like, and she's been really tough on me about it. i made the mistake of saying, "i messed up again, didn't i? i want to die." she hung up on me.

i've been trying to see her since then, but she sent me a message saying that what i said wasn't okay, and now she won't respond to me. how do I show I'm sorry, it was a simple mess up and I don't think it's fair to go silent....

Well what did you say?

Let her be. Show her you respect her feelings and let her come to you (if she does).

Let this one go.
You don't sound a good match, it was a silly thing to say and you need to leave her alone.

Saying things like “I want to die” is hugely manipulative and would make me run a mile. She should be allowed to be upset and angry without at best emotional blackmail at worst a threat.

I'd leave it, as I wasn't there I have no idea who is BU but it sounds like one way or another,you don't work as a couple. Either she's very sensitive, or you are rather socially inept, but I have to say a date saying that they want to die because they messed up in a conversation/argument would seem like a red flag to a lot of people.

What did you say after a few drinks to her friends?

Telling her you want to die, because you 'messed up' was a bit much and I can understand why she has pulled back, especially considering you may have done something else wrong on top of that concerning alcohol and her mates.

How long have you both been dating? this is all sounding a bit much for any relationship but especially if its a recent thing. Maybe you're just not right for each other.

"I want to die" is an awful response to give when someone challenges your behaviour. At its worst it comes across as you trying to control her by threatening suicide if you don't get your own way. She may see it as having to placate you and pretend it wasn't that big of a deal.

the joke was about her type of work. she said she is over that but the i want to die comment is not acceptable. i see it as a stupid few words that i am really sorry for, i wouldn't say it again and am happy to admit mistake but it's blowing up in my face

Why did you tell her you want to die?

I think you should leave it now.

You’ve tried to re-initiate contact with her and you’ve apologised, and she hasn’t responded. I think you need to give her space and then wait and see if she responds. And, although it’s difficult, if she doesn’t respond, I think you should let it go and move on.

I wouldn't date a bloke who said he wanted to die because I was pissed at him. It's a really manipulative and emotionally abusive thing to say. Sorry but I'm on the side of leave it. You're not a good match.

I think at this point you need to just apologise for saying it, let her know you understand why she has reacted the way she has then leave her alone to do what she wants. She will either contact you or she won't.

This. It seems very over the top, wanting to die just because you said something silly.

i was really frustrated and felt utterly crap about what i said. i got over emotional and blurted it out, she said goodbye and hung up

i made the mistake of saying, "i messed up again, didn't i? i want to die."

Seems fair enough of her to not want to speak to you. If you are suicidal seek help, she probably feels she can't be that person, if you aren't then that's manipulation.

but now i feel like i have to watch every word i say. it's like i'm always walking on eggshells, and it's really taking a toll on my self-esteem.

This bit is key. You aren't a good match. Your sense of humours aren't aligned and she's probably too sensitive for you. I'd just leave it at that.

It's not a joke to say you want to die

The relationship is dead or nearly so. You think she is over sensitive and you have to walk on eggshells affecting your self esteem, she appears to view you as insensitive and manipulative given you make remarks about dying when called out. At best you’re incompatible.

How old are you? I feel like I would have said “I want to die” in a long maths lesson when I was 15. Not in a serious adult conversation. Very immature at best, manipulative at worst.

but now i feel like i have to watch every word i say. it's like i'm always walking on eggshells, and it's really taking a toll on my self-esteem

If you feel like you want to die (and say it out loud to someone) when someone is annoyed with you then it's a bit rich you calling the other person over sensitive and accusing them of making you walk on eggshells...

Have you a tendency to be in a relationships that are quite tumultuous / up and down?

Christ the joke I could probably get over albeit you haven't actually said what you said, but getting emotional and blurting out a suicide wish. No thanks!

‘I want to die’ is emotional blackmail. I’d be cutting all contact, tbh.

She is the one who’d be on eggshells.

You've blown this one OP. Chalk it up to experience, grow from it, and move on.

And don't make such comments in future.