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AIBU?

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Original poster

I messed up. She won't speak to me now, wwyd?

328 replies

SullyW · 23/04/2024 15:27

the woman i've been dating has gone silent on me after i apologised for some clumsy words i said during an argument. she's really sensitive, which i am glad for, but now i feel like i have to watch every word i say. it's like i'm always walking on eggshells, and it's really taking a toll on my self-esteem.

on the phone on Saturday night, we talked about how i behaved around her friends during a night out. i had a few drinks and made a joke that she didn't like, and she's been really tough on me about it. i made the mistake of saying, "i messed up again, didn't i? i want to die." she hung up on me.

i've been trying to see her since then, but she sent me a message saying that what i said wasn't okay, and now she won't respond to me. how do I show I'm sorry, it was a simple mess up and I don't think it's fair to go silent....

OP posts:
TheSquareMile · 24/04/2024 18:01

SullyW · 24/04/2024 17:21

if I was a woman dating a man, people would say he was abusive but because i'm dating a woman....people think i'm the one largely in the wrong?

No, I don't think anyone is suggesting that either of you is right or wrong.

Your relationship with the woman in question hasn't lasted as long as you would have liked it to and you will feel sad about that; many people would feel sad too, in your situation.

The important question for you now is not whether people think that either you or she was in the wrong, it's the matter of how you go on from here to a point where you feel a lot better.

I don't think that there is anything to gain from dwelling on the detail of what happened; it would be better to think about the future and what that could hold for you.

The best thing would be for you to dust yourself off, take a break from relationships and immerse yourself in other things.

You can, of course, talk to your therapist about what happened, but use those conversations as a springboard to something new rather than a way of looking back.

Trulyme · 24/04/2024 18:20

KomodoOhno · 24/04/2024 17:47

It doesn't matter at all what the genders here are. It's pointless to get caught up in in OP. You were dumped. She's nc and moved on. What point will you accept that?

I completely agree.

There seems to have been right and wrong on both sides and without knowing the full details from both sides, we will never know who is more in the right or wrong.

The facts are OP is that you did something which she didn’t like. It doesn’t even what it was or whether she was being over sensitive.

You have apologised and reached out to her and she is ignoring you.
There is nothing more you can do and you just need to face facts now.

This relationship doesn’t work and it’s better to just give it up now than try and let it drag on any longer.
She has already made up her mind.

Abitofalark · 24/04/2024 18:53

There seems to be a lot of strain in the relationship, with you feeling you are walking on eggshells, making mistakes, apologising, feeling she is more acccomplished than you, feeling yourself inferior, feeling you are always in the wrong, saying the wrong thing, on the back foot and that you can't manage relationships.

It's true we can be bad at relationships and we need to acquire some self-awareness, wisdom and knowhow about how other people and relationships function; what works and what doesn't. But you also need to have some basic compatibility and harmony before anything else. Maybe you don't have that and just aren't a good fit for each other.

As far as the therapy you've been having for a year, what do you do there? What are you discovering or learning? Is it helping you gain insight into yourself and relationships and how to manage them? Is it helping you to resolve conflicts within or about the relationship? Giving you techniques to manage your own emotions and responses and build resilience and self esteem? If it isn't, is it worth carrying on? If not, I'd leave it. I think you have to be dynamic in your own life. Discover and learn from your mistakes and move on with positive goals for the next phase of your life.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 24/04/2024 20:14

'so she can forgive the mistakes. it's not fun at all waiting for those mistakes to be pointed out again'

you do realise even if she did ' forgive ; these mistakes ( plural mistakes )
she is unlikely to forget them

she may be ' walking on eggshells ' for years waiting on more ' mistakes ' happening...

Move on, learn from these ' mistakes '

Original poster
SullyW · 24/04/2024 22:22

she will say 'you did this terrible thing and its hard to forgive you...but ill stay because i love you'. it's kind of her but its a lot of pressure then to make up for the past

i would love to not have to apologise or do anything wrong obviously but i wanted to go to therapy/be better for her (and me)

OP posts:
taylorswift1989 · 24/04/2024 22:28

Fucking hell.

Your relationship is over. Neither of you were happy. Let it go.

momtoboys · 25/04/2024 02:05

This is done. A partner getting "emotional" and blurting out "I want to die" is a hell you can't unring. You may need some therapy.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 25/04/2024 07:36

she will say 'you did this terrible thing and its hard to forgive you...but ill stay because i love you'. it's kind of her but its a lot of pressure then to make up for the past

Read the article linked below, OP, and see if it helps you let her go. I really think you'll be better off single.

https://markmanson.net/love

Love is Not Enough

Relationships need more than love. Here's why.

https://markmanson.net/love

StaunchMomma · 25/04/2024 10:48

I think gender is irrelevant here.

Only one of the two sounds obsessive, manipulative and incapable of accepting they can't always change a person's mind to get what they want.

These two shouldn't be together.

ZoniSouslaLune · 25/04/2024 18:40

Hi, I've just read your messages OP. It sounds like your SO has repeatedly said things like, "I want to be with you but you keep making these mistakes..."

She sounds very manipulative. If that is how she has generally been up until now, I don't think she is a good person for you. In a good relationship people may have disagreements, but they will be able to forgive each other and not keep bringing it up months later.

I know it seems hard to "give up" 15 months, but better to let go now than struggle in this relationship for longer.

It will take time, as you've mentioned. Give yourself that time.

Original poster
SullyW · 25/04/2024 19:15

@ZoniSouslaLune thank you, she framed it as though she loved me so much she wanted it to work and was working through my mistakes. it started to make me feel bad though, i'm glad to hear your impartial thought

OP posts:
ChimneySweepLiverpool · 25/04/2024 22:15

I really feel you're just trying to still play the victim....

Sweden99 · 26/04/2024 11:00

SullyW · 25/04/2024 19:15

@ZoniSouslaLune thank you, she framed it as though she loved me so much she wanted it to work and was working through my mistakes. it started to make me feel bad though, i'm glad to hear your impartial thought

Yes.
That is unfortunately normal behaviour. It is also normal not to accept your actions. Accept it and move on.

ironedcurtain · 26/04/2024 11:26

Sweden99 · 26/04/2024 11:00

Yes.
That is unfortunately normal behaviour. It is also normal not to accept your actions. Accept it and move on.

Show quote history

As in raking up the past over and over again is normal behaviour? Honestly, it really isn't – it's VERY toxic and unhealthy. There's no way someone like that could ever be in a healthy relationship.

If you (as in OP's partner) can't get over the past (even if justifiably so eg for a massive mistake), the best thing to do is just to cut the cord and move on.

And if OP finds she (as in OP) is always doing something wrong, it's best to cut the cord as well, give herself space to reflect on whether it's truly her or poor relationship dynamics, and either improve on herself or find a better partner.

Sweden99 · 26/04/2024 11:34

ironedcurtain · 26/04/2024 11:26

As in raking up the past over and over again is normal behaviour? Honestly, it really isn't – it's VERY toxic and unhealthy. There's no way someone like that could ever be in a healthy relationship.

If you (as in OP's partner) can't get over the past (even if justifiably so eg for a massive mistake), the best thing to do is just to cut the cord and move on.

And if OP finds she (as in OP) is always doing something wrong, it's best to cut the cord as well, give herself space to reflect on whether it's truly her or poor relationship dynamics, and either improve on herself or find a better partner.

Show quote history

Yes. It is horrible behaviour and also normal. Which is why divorce is so high, particularly in lesbain marriages. There are major challenges.

Calamitousness · 26/04/2024 11:38

It doesn’t matter what you think “I don’t think it’s fair to go silent”
Your “I want to die” has given her massive ick and she no longer likes you. I don’t blame her. Learn from this. Don’t be needy. Move on.

ChimneySweepLiverpool · 26/04/2024 11:56

What did she forgive early on? Would I be wrong to suggest it was cheating? She sounds like she wanted it to work with you, for whatever reason. I don't think it's manipulative if you both felt you really wanted to make it work. Maybe she was bringing it up to remind you not to do it again

Original poster
SullyW · 27/04/2024 22:24

i didnt cheat. i chased her and then got cold feet, i told some lies, left her out of plans. it was totally out of order and im shameful. i asked her to come back after this, explaining i would change and she agreed but would mention mistakes of the past

i also was very aware her friends did not like me over this and it felt like the elephant in the room

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 27/04/2024 22:32

You need to stop torturing yourself and let this go.

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/04/2024 22:33

Give it up. This relationship is going nowhere, and your behaviour is a large part of why. You and she are simply not compatible. Move on.

Original poster
SullyW · 27/04/2024 22:39

i was simply replying to question asked by PP

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 27/04/2024 22:41

SullyW · 27/04/2024 22:39

i was simply replying to question asked by PP

You didn't quote whoever it was.

Original poster
SullyW · 27/04/2024 22:52

sorry it was @ChimneySweepLiverpool

OP posts:
LimeQuoter · 02/05/2024 11:21

I would, if you haven't already, state your case in one final short and concise text, letting her know you're there if you want to talk and then leave it there for now. Don't keep calling or texting repeatedly whatever you do. She might have felt like you weren't taking her feelings seriously so ensuring you are hearing her will be very important if you care about her. Maybe take some time for yourself to ground yourself, give it some space and see if she contacts you. If she hasn't broken up with you so far then there is still hope but she will need to feel heard. These things happen, we learn from these things. Don't be too hard on yourself

LimeQuoter · 02/05/2024 11:30

Also, be sure you do want a relationship with her first otherwise she might feel played. If you got cold feet before, is there a chance you were feeling overwhelmed by something or needed more space for yourself or your own boundaries weren't in check. No harm thinking about it. It's ok if you don't want to invest the same time as she does on the relationship, just make sure she knows where you're at