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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I messed up. She won't speak to me now, wwyd?

328 replies

SullyW · 23/04/2024 15:27

the woman i've been dating has gone silent on me after i apologised for some clumsy words i said during an argument. she's really sensitive, which i am glad for, but now i feel like i have to watch every word i say. it's like i'm always walking on eggshells, and it's really taking a toll on my self-esteem.

on the phone on Saturday night, we talked about how i behaved around her friends during a night out. i had a few drinks and made a joke that she didn't like, and she's been really tough on me about it. i made the mistake of saying, "i messed up again, didn't i? i want to die." she hung up on me.

i've been trying to see her since then, but she sent me a message saying that what i said wasn't okay, and now she won't respond to me. how do I show I'm sorry, it was a simple mess up and I don't think it's fair to go silent....

OP posts:
LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 23/04/2024 18:53

I mean she's right, saying you want to die as a joke isn't in the least bit funny. She may have found it triggering or perhaps it was cumulative effect.

UPALLNIGHTMNETTING · 23/04/2024 18:56

Unless there's more of a backstory, I'd bin her off as she sounds like a drama llama. Better to waste 15 months than 15 years.

Beezknees · 23/04/2024 18:59

I'm sorry, but I'd do exactly the same as her. To me, that would be a red flag and I'd be concerned that you would become more emotionally manipulative as time went on.

ARichtGoodDram · 23/04/2024 19:03

UPALLNIGHTMNETTING · 23/04/2024 18:56

Unless there's more of a backstory, I'd bin her off as she sounds like a drama llama. Better to waste 15 months than 15 years.

She sounds like a drama llama? Unlike the Op who broke a confidence, embarrassed her in front of her friends and then used “I want to die” in response instead of just apologising like an adult?

Not to mention has taken being dumped as being given the silent treatment instead of accepting it.

katebushh · 23/04/2024 19:05

You need to grow up a bit mate.

CucumberBagel · 23/04/2024 19:05

"I fuxked up again, didn't I?" is also emotionally manipulative.

taylorswift1989 · 23/04/2024 19:08

I'd bet a million pounds this isn't the first time you've embarrassed her, made an inappropriate 'joke', or tried to emotionally manipulate her.

Now you're on MN looking for what? Validation? Help to get her to take you back?

You've been dumped. There's literally nothing you can do but accept it and move on. Leave her alone.

Garlicked · 23/04/2024 19:12

YABU to be chasing a relationship in which you have to walk on eggshells.

In this instance, you made an unwise remark. Instead of just going "What the hell, mate?" she gave you an extended guilt trip about it - which you say isn't unusual.

The guilt trip bothered you so much that you felt overwhelmed by your supposed awfulness and hyperbolically wanted to die of shame. No decent person makes their partner feel like that.

No, you shouldn't have said either thing but both incidents are only problematic because the relationship is toxic.

I'm sorry you've invested 15 months in someone who cuts you down this way. I suspect she'll be back, as it won't be easy to find another willing victim. I very much hope you won't accept her.

PenguinLord · 23/04/2024 19:13

CelesteCunningham · 23/04/2024 18:33

You betrayed her confidence and then tried to deflect from that with emotional manipulation.

If she was my friend I'd be so relieved she'd broken it off. I doubt these are the first red flags either.

Do her a favour and leave her in peace.

This. OP has embarassed the gf in front of friends under influence, I would have hard time being aorund someone like that, and then blackmailed them by saying they want to die. I think she gf is better off now, and I think OP has a lot to think about.

AllPrincessAnneshorses · 23/04/2024 19:13

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Homophobic dog whistle CRAP. Reported.

Balloonhearts · 23/04/2024 19:14

I would end a relationship over this too. You say you didn't mean it so why did you say it? You don't know. This speaks of a level of immaturity that is not attractive or a tendency towards emotional manipulation or emotional abuse. Again, this is a deal breaker and I too would go silent.

Any communication with you would only be used to subject me to further guilt trips and pressure to resume the relationship.

You also blame her for this. She didn't do anything wrong. She didnt throw away the relationship, you did.

She is not overreacting, you are underreacting. You didn't mess up, you purposely humiliated her.

If it wasn't deliberate then you need to look at why on earth you thought that was appropriate in front of her friends? Again it suggests you are deeply immature and very few people are going to tolerate that is a relationship or find it attractive.

However you feel about it, she has made it clear that she no longer wants a relationship with you. You're going to have to own it, move on with someone else and grow up so you don't make the same mistake again.

taylorswift1989 · 23/04/2024 19:14

Garlicked · 23/04/2024 19:12

YABU to be chasing a relationship in which you have to walk on eggshells.

In this instance, you made an unwise remark. Instead of just going "What the hell, mate?" she gave you an extended guilt trip about it - which you say isn't unusual.

The guilt trip bothered you so much that you felt overwhelmed by your supposed awfulness and hyperbolically wanted to die of shame. No decent person makes their partner feel like that.

No, you shouldn't have said either thing but both incidents are only problematic because the relationship is toxic.

I'm sorry you've invested 15 months in someone who cuts you down this way. I suspect she'll be back, as it won't be easy to find another willing victim. I very much hope you won't accept her.

What in the DARVO...?!

Lassiata · 23/04/2024 19:16

@theforeverPm he's so obviously a bloke...

Greywitch2 · 23/04/2024 19:16

taylorswift1989 · 23/04/2024 19:14

What in the DARVO...?!

Show quote history

Exactly!

Talk about hard of understanding. Unless of course it is the OP with a name change.

Garlicked · 23/04/2024 19:17

taylorswift1989 · 23/04/2024 19:14

What in the DARVO...?!

Show quote history

No, that's how I see it. OP says they're always walking on eggshells around her.

It's not great to plonk a great big foot in it while drinking, but not totally unknown. It's worse to make a massive song and dance about it. "She's very sensitive", indeed.

Lassiata · 23/04/2024 19:18

Garlicked · 23/04/2024 19:12

YABU to be chasing a relationship in which you have to walk on eggshells.

In this instance, you made an unwise remark. Instead of just going "What the hell, mate?" she gave you an extended guilt trip about it - which you say isn't unusual.

The guilt trip bothered you so much that you felt overwhelmed by your supposed awfulness and hyperbolically wanted to die of shame. No decent person makes their partner feel like that.

No, you shouldn't have said either thing but both incidents are only problematic because the relationship is toxic.

I'm sorry you've invested 15 months in someone who cuts you down this way. I suspect she'll be back, as it won't be easy to find another willing victim. I very much hope you won't accept her.

You need to think about why you think "extended guilt trip" and "not immediately rolling over and ignoring one's own emotions and boundaries" are the same thing.

Not healthy.

WhereYouLeftIt · 23/04/2024 19:20

SullyW · 23/04/2024 15:34

i was really frustrated and felt utterly crap about what i said. i got over emotional and blurted it out, she said goodbye and hung up

Show quote history

"she's really sensitive, which i am glad for, but now i feel like i have to watch every word i say. it's like i'm always walking on eggshells, and it's really taking a toll on my self-esteem."

Has it occurred to you that actually it is you that is sensitive and her that is walking on eggshells?

"i messed up again, didn't i? i want to die."
I'd have dumped you on the spot for that manipulative little piece of bullshit. First you acknowledge you messed up, then you play the victim so that she can't so much as say 'yes you did'. Manipulative.

BirthdayRainbow · 23/04/2024 19:22

People say I'll kill you if you do that. They don't really mean they would literally kill you.

Saying I want to die is similar. However, if she has had a bereavement or a precious partner threaten suicide it is going to be a trigger.

If you are truly sorry, have learnt from this then maybe sending flowers and a card with heartfelt words where you end the note by saying you respect she wants space but don't know if it is over so you'll assume it is if you don't here from her, then maybe that would be ok.

I expect posters will say no don't do that, this is fine, but it's just a suggestion.

taylorswift1989 · 23/04/2024 19:23

Garlicked · 23/04/2024 19:17

No, that's how I see it. OP says they're always walking on eggshells around her.

It's not great to plonk a great big foot in it while drinking, but not totally unknown. It's worse to make a massive song and dance about it. "She's very sensitive", indeed.

Show quote history

OP also says they made a horrible joke which embarrassed her and all her friends and broke a confidence. OP also says they emotionally manipulated her by claiming to be suicidal when they were challenged.

So I'm pretty sure that the talk of "walking on eggshells" and gf being "very sensitive" means "gf won't tolerate me being rude, embarrassing, breaking confidences and threatening to kill myself."

whoneedssixteen · 23/04/2024 19:24

Just leave.
Lots of people say "I could die/ I think I'll just curl up and die/ I almost died/ I'll kill him/ she'll kill me if/ Shoot me now" (common on MN). You said the wrong thing to the wrong person at the wrong time. It was inappropriate.

She took it in a way it wasn't intended. You are walking on eggshells - she is waiting for you to mess up and between you this relationship does not work.

If she gets back in touch just apologise for what you said - explain you didn't mean anything by it , it was just misjudged and tell her that it's probably best if you call it a day.

Then both find someone you are happier with.

Garlicked · 23/04/2024 19:25

Lassiata · 23/04/2024 19:18

You need to think about why you think "extended guilt trip" and "not immediately rolling over and ignoring one's own emotions and boundaries" are the same thing.

Not healthy.

Show quote history

Nope, again.

She didn't just give OP a bollocking, she kept on about it. The opening post says "she's very sensitive" and "I'm always walking on eggshells". This made OP feel like shit to the extent that s/he felt like wanting to die - and unwisely said so.

It's an unhealthy relationship.

PersephonePomegranate23 · 23/04/2024 19:25

How did you say 'I want to die'? In a frustrated/exasperated tone, as in die of embarassment or in an upset way?

It really depends on the delivery whether its manipulative or not. In any case, you don't sound compatible or able to effectively communicate with each other.

pictoosh · 23/04/2024 19:26

I'd accept that I'd been a melodramatic, emotionally manipulative and off-putting pain in the arse and learn my lesson for the next woman after leaving this one well alone.

What are you going to do?

Causewerethespecialtwo · 23/04/2024 19:28

You sound emotionally abusive/manipulative. I’m not surprised she has dumped you. Leave her alone, don’t contact her again, think about therapy for yourself.

ArcaneWireless · 23/04/2024 19:29

I think a partner who lacked the emotional intelligence to realise that relaying private information to a group of people for laughs would be out of my life fairly quickly.

A partner who then thought that a dramatic statement all about them would make the situation go away would be gone from my life even more quickly.

It isn’t about how she has reacted but what you did.

Do better in your next relationship.