I messed up. She won't speak to me now, wwyd?

[SullyW]

the woman i've been dating has gone silent on me after i apologised for some clumsy words i said during an argument. she's really sensitive, which i am glad for, but now i feel like i have to watch every word i say. it's like i'm always walking on eggshells, and it's really taking a toll on my self-esteem.

on the phone on Saturday night, we talked about how i behaved around her friends during a night out. i had a few drinks and made a joke that she didn't like, and she's been really tough on me about it. i made the mistake of saying, "i messed up again, didn't i? i want to die." she hung up on me.

i've been trying to see her since then, but she sent me a message saying that what i said wasn't okay, and now she won't respond to me. how do I show I'm sorry, it was a simple mess up and I don't think it's fair to go silent....

It was very abrupt of her but it's perhaps a line in the sand she isn't prepared to cross. I think you have to accept it's over, pull up your socks and move on, as disappointing as that is. Sometimes the things that push a person to decide they are incompatible seem small but it's often that there were other things building up in the background and this was the straw thay broke the camel's back.Try to take it as you weren't a good match rather than a rejection that you need to feel bad about yourself over.

Chalk it up. You've fucked this one up. Just learn from it.

@patchworkpal I don't recall saying it was?
I was referring to the part of the OPs post where she talks about making a joke she didn't like, which was about her line of work.

i've been trying to see her since then, but she sent me a message saying that what i said wasn't okay, and now she won't respond to me

She doesn't want to see you. She doesn't have to see you if she doesn't want to.

This relationship was clearly very bad for both of you and you need to let it go and move on.

How old are you, OP? The inappropriate joke, the 'I want to die' and 'it's not fair to go silent' sound very playground, as if someone is about to flounce off home with the football.

You both sound too emotional to be in a relationship. Develop some more emotional intelligence and move on.

The I want to die comment would be a massive red flag for me and I would run a mile. How many posts do we see weekly from people trapped in awful relationships because their partner threatens to harm themselves if they leave.

Ah ok yes sorry that makes sense

What did you say during the argument that upset her?

What was the joke that you made to her friends? Not a rough outline, what did you actually say?

Saying "I want to die" when someone is upset with you is manipulative and gross, and you need to grow up. She's doing the right thing dumping you based just on this, but I think it's telling that you've omitted what you actually said in the prior two incidents to upset her.

it was a simple mess up and I don't think it's fair to go silent....

Of course it is 'fair'. Grow up. She can do what she likes. I'm with those who think saying 'I want to die' is attention seeking, manipulative and makes you the victim rather than the twat who caused the problem.

FWIW she can block you because she's decided she didn't like the outfit you were wearing and it's given her the ick. You are demonstrating manipulative behaviour by not having the grace to accept she doesn't want to speak to you any longer and the relationship is over. She's told you to 'fuck off' politely.

Stop bothering her. It's over.

i'm in my 30s. we both have a dark sense of humour but when we are alone, i showed that on a night out and apologised. she would have been fine with this joke if we were alone. she got embarrassed and i'm sorry

she said she would have forgotten that quickly if i had not made the stupid comment about wanting to die but i was very tired, emotional and did not mean it. to lose a relationship over this seems so big

Does it matter whether it’s a same-sex relationship or not? I don’t think it matters whether it is or not. Also, like all of us on here, the OP has a right to anonymity, and to reveal as little or as much of their situation that they’re posting about as they wish. By revealing whether or not it’s a same-sex relationship, the OP is revealing details that perhaps they’d prefer not to and that they don’t need to reveal.

the joke was about a dream she had about her boss which she didn't want her friends to know about (in hindsight). her boss is an asshole and we joke about him at home all the time

Are you very young? The teens I taught often wanted "to die/kill themselves" if asked a simple request Iike using a ruler to draw a graph or to get up and get a calculator.

It sounds like you are immature, and hard work, insecure and in need of praise that you are getting things right "I messed up again" she's told you she doesn't want to continue getting to know you. She can make that decision for any reason she likes and you should respect that and move on.

i'm in my mid/late 30s. we have been together 15 months

Honestly, this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship anyway so I would call it a day. You shouldn't have to feel like you're constantly walking on egg shells with someone. Whether you were right or wrong to say what you said is irrelevant. Constantly living in fear of saying the wrong thing and upsetting your partner is no way to live.

Obviously depends on the tone but I wouldn't necessarily take the "I want to die" comment as literal or manipulative. I've said "kill me now" "I want the ground to swallow me" etc etc at times. It's a turn of phrase, didn't mean I was suicidal. But again, totally depends on your tone when you said it.

But honestly, sounds like she given you an out and I would take it. Find someone you can be yourself with and be comfortable with.

So you made a joke about something private which she didn't want her friends to know about. You've then got all dramatic and emotional because you know you're in the wrong, made yourself the victim and said 'I want to die'

Yep I'd be out too. That's immature emotional blackmail and you deserve to be blocked

I had a boyfriend who was embarrassing around my friends and one who got on well with them. I married the second one thankfully. Its not supposed to be this hard in the dating stage.

She might feel that you weren't taking how she was feeling seriously or maybe she's not ready to be in a proper relationship and needs some space. You could send her a last text repeating the reason why she's upset and say that you will be more careful again and leave it there. If there is a lot of issues that crop up like this, then maybe ye just are too different and aren't on the same page. But if you really like her, let her know youre taking her feeling seriously, then give her space for now

This is going to sound harsh but you exposed her dream about her boss to her mates, which is hugely embarrassing, and then waved a massive red flag with the comment ‘ I want to die.’ I would walk away from anyone who said those words to me.

She might feel that the relationship is strong enough to recover, but you need to leave it be now and allow her to make her decision.

Oh ffs

Apologise and leave her be.

Personally I’m really quite lax about these kind of things compared to others (some people have a hard line in the sand about such comments) but then I’m guilty myself of saying things like I want to throttle people & I’d rather die than x,y,z but ONLY ever in jest.

If the way you said it was anything less than a jokey way (and it sounds like it was) then even I would be calling it quits with you too. Bad humour is one thing but any hint of emotional manipulation or that you actually meant it (even if only in the moment) is relationship ending stuff.

Are you a woman?

You sound like rather an immature one. Grow up a bit and stop bothering her now