I messed up. She won't speak to me now, wwyd?

[SullyW]

the woman i've been dating has gone silent on me after i apologised for some clumsy words i said during an argument. she's really sensitive, which i am glad for, but now i feel like i have to watch every word i say. it's like i'm always walking on eggshells, and it's really taking a toll on my self-esteem.

on the phone on Saturday night, we talked about how i behaved around her friends during a night out. i had a few drinks and made a joke that she didn't like, and she's been really tough on me about it. i made the mistake of saying, "i messed up again, didn't i? i want to die." she hung up on me.

i've been trying to see her since then, but she sent me a message saying that what i said wasn't okay, and now she won't respond to me. how do I show I'm sorry, it was a simple mess up and I don't think it's fair to go silent....

Context is everything. Saying you want to kill someone in a jokey post on MN is in no way the same as saying you want to die, in the middle of an argument when emotions are high.

Yeah, that's also a possibility.

I hadn't read "I want to die" as an actual suicide threat! Just a hyperbolic statement of shame. I've certainly said it after doing something embarrassing.

I bloody hope no-one's ever dialled 999 after I've gone "I can't believe I did that, shall I just die now?" 😬

I'd leave her be and accept her decision.
From your own OP:

• This isn't the first time you upset her
• The joke was the initial issue, and on elaboration was inappropriate
• Instead of apologising you became emotionally manipulative.
• Instead of reflecting internally, you've decided that the issue is that she is really sensitive
• You have minimised what you said as something blurted out in the moment, there's no reflection on what response you were trying to get from her.

If you'd said you meant you were dying of embarrassment etc it would sound like a miscommunication, but there's none of that.

Based on that I'd say well done her on recognising and enforcing a sensible boundary.

You clearly aren't compatable so best you go your separate ways.

It's manipulative. "I've messed up again, haven't I? I want to die," is not an ironic comment, but a way of trying to avoid taking responsibility for their mess up by making the other person feel sorry and/or scared for you.

Your example of being embarrassed and saying "shall I just die now" is a kind of 'jokey' way of doing the same thing. Making a joke out of bad behaviour, using hyperbole to make anyone you've upset look stupid for being upset. It's not the end of the world, right? I mean, if you're talking about, e.g. tripping up and falling, then okay. It's a bit much, but whatever. Maybe people will laugh. But if you've actually upset someone, then yes, this response is manipulative.

My sister is very sensitive and it is like walking on eggshells all the time so I don't really contact tenant.

Do you really want to live like that?

There’s a bit difference between “I want to die” in the OP’s context, and someone saying “oh I can’t believe I was so silly, I could’ve died [with embarrassment]” when you’ve done something daft.

Language is subtle and the same statement might be fine in the right context, with the right tone.

It’s the OP’s attitude to the whole situation that is really concerning and strongly suggests that their statement wasn’t at all lighthearted or unmanipulative in context. The fact that they won’t accept their Ex’s decision is a huge red flag.

Walk. Life's tough and if she cannot handle a wisecrack, she's a liability.

"I don’t care what you think of me. I don’t think of you at all." - Coco Chanel.

but now i feel like i have to watch every word i say. it's like i'm always walking on eggshells, and it's really taking a toll on my self-esteem.

This is not a sign of a healthy relationship OP.

Why are you trying to hold on to something that is obviously not working?

Having to watch every word you say and walk on eggshells isn’t a good relationship and you know it can’t last.

You’ve apologised and that’s all you can do.
Leave her alone and if she’s not got back to you by the end of the week then block her and find someone else (I would be doing this anyway).

Interesting. I'm going on a diversion here ...

I don't think it's intended to make the wronged person feel bad or stupid for being upset. I'm interested that you say it is.

I think the wronged person wants to see real remorse and, yes, shame. My most spectacular faux pas (among stiff competition) was spilling a full glass of red wine over the bride's dress - at the reception, not before the service, or I may have had to actually die!!! You can imagine the extent of my wishing the ground would swallow me up. It was custom made ivory silk, of course I volunteered to have it cleaned and, of course, that didn't solve the problem I'd created on her big day. I definitely told her I felt I should die, among other expressions of deep regret. Then gave her a wide berth for the rest of the night 😬

If you think she may have felt emotionally manipulated, I now feel even worse about it ...

You behaved badly in 3 different ways- making an inappropriate joke, betraying a confidence then trying emotional blackmail when she called you out on it.

She has now gone quiet as she doesn’t want to talk to you, understandably enough. She doesn’t want to have to listen to you trying to talk her round.

She will also be upset and hurting. Doesn’t mean she wants you back.

I suggest you work on yourself to improve your behaviour. Or find a woman with worse boundaries who’ll put up with your crap. which would be a shame.

You sound like a whiny pain in the bum, TBH. I couldn’t be bothered with that.

Silent treatment is manipulative and toxic. Telling someone you want to die is manipulative. I don't think either of you are in a healthy situation here, move on.

This.

comments at home are not the same as when out and definitely not with work colleagues- absolutely cringing here and mortifying.

I once took a boyfriend to a works do and he obviously felt inadequate as he was making crass jokes about the work load and our amazing holidays then followed it up with those that can do and those that can’t teach. He didn’t even make it home with me and that was after 19 months - just I ended it. I hate puts downs in front of work colleagues, hate people blaming alcohol and hate people knocking other people’s job. The comment afterwards ‘I could die’ is hugely triggering for anyone who has lost anyone or been effected by suicide.

Do some self evaluation, send her a written apology but someone when you blow something up - it isn’t fixable just a learning experience

In all honesty you shouldn’t have said what you did but you know that. I would leave it now and let her move on.

Yes, I think she probably did feel worse when you told her you wanted to die. Not only did she have to deal with a ruined dress, she had to deal with your hyperbolic expressions of embarrassment.

If you want someone to know that you feel embarrassed, simply say. I feel so embarrassed. But why are you asking her to focus on YOUR feelings in that moment, anyway? Focus on her - apologise sincerely, do anything you can to make amends, send a note and a cheque for the cleaning. Don't make it all about you.

Women can be abusive too but this is MN so most will be on her side.
Walk away from her.

It's not silent treatment. She has dumped OP and isn't wasting her time

I'd dump you as well. I don't have time for that kind of puerile behaviour.

YABU. Her silence is a response and you need to respect thst now.

Sometimes mistakes have consequences.

I have a hunch this is a not a man but a woman but saying they are a man.
REVERSE.
Im not falling for this one.

And how many posts do we see with women saying oh hes giving me the silent treatment and everyone say LTB hes a twat he has no respect for you i would not put up with that bla bla bla
MN is so too faced.

This. You added more and more detail to each post. Your behaviour on one night out was not acceptable. Your response was manipulative.

she's really sensitive
youre trying to blame her.

now i feel like i have to watch every word i say. it's like i'm always walking on eggshells, and it's really taking a toll on my self-esteem.
because you said something dark and manipulative.

‘‘i messed up again, didn't i?
again.

i want to die."
manipulative.

i've been trying to see her since then, but she sent me a message saying that what i said wasn't okay, and now she won't respond to me. how do I show I'm sorry, it was a simple mess up and I don't think it's fair to go silent...
she didnt go silent. She met up with you and told you what you said was unacceptable. Because it was unacceptable. Like your behaviour on the night too. That‘s not going silent at all.

leave her alone.

She has left. This is done. There was a conversation. Said told op the behaviour was not acceptable to her. It isn't silent treatment in a relationship, it is ending the relationship.