I messed up. She won't speak to me now, wwyd?

[SullyW]

the woman i've been dating has gone silent on me after i apologised for some clumsy words i said during an argument. she's really sensitive, which i am glad for, but now i feel like i have to watch every word i say. it's like i'm always walking on eggshells, and it's really taking a toll on my self-esteem.

on the phone on Saturday night, we talked about how i behaved around her friends during a night out. i had a few drinks and made a joke that she didn't like, and she's been really tough on me about it. i made the mistake of saying, "i messed up again, didn't i? i want to die." she hung up on me.

i've been trying to see her since then, but she sent me a message saying that what i said wasn't okay, and now she won't respond to me. how do I show I'm sorry, it was a simple mess up and I don't think it's fair to go silent....

This relationship sounds doomed with equal responsibility on both sides. There is something better waiting elsewhere.

OP, in the kindest possible way your reaction to all this is concerning.

Do you suffer from low self esteem? Automatically going to "I want to die" as your girlfriend is annoyed at you is not normal or healthy. Furthermore, agonising over this mistake "costing you a relationship" which obviously wasn't the greatest romance of all time (and was relatively new at just over a year) is another red flag.

I think you should seek help to address your clearly negative self image and issues.

As for the relationship - that ship has sailed. Leave her alone and focus on sorting yourself.

Look, you fucked up and let something private slip to her friends. I'd be upset if I was her too.

But the "I want to die" comment is pure emotional manipulation. I would end it with you too. Sorry, but it sounds like you do need to grow up a bit emotionally and be single for a bit while you figure that out. It's a totally unacceptable and inappropriate thing to say.

From someone that has experience of a loved one feeling suicidal, I would be very upset with this sort of over dramatic comment because you were feeling like you had messed up.

Saying that you want to die is manipulative BS and it's a line often said by abusers.

She's right not to want to talk to you again.

I wouldn’t say it again

Yes you would. Because you don’t seem to understand how unacceptable it is to have said it in the first place. People who use this kind of manipulative bullshit to try and control their partners are pathetic. Good for her for establishing and sticking to her boundaries. I wouldn’t put up with your crap either. Leave her alone.

You are not compatible. Leave her alone. It will only continue to happen.

You say you’ve been disagreeing for a while. Sounds to me, she wanted a good excuse to finally finish things, and this is it.

Let the poor woman go.

You shouldn't be feeling like you have to walk on egg shells. This isn't the right relationship for you, walk away and find someone that you can have a peaceful life with.

You need to grow up.

The 'drama llama' of that comment would put me off ever seeing you again.

She’s not sensitive, just normal. Saying you want to die, becoming the victim rather than apologising is manipulative. Huge red flag 🚩

I'm getting annoyed on her behalf and getting annoyed at people saying you're both equally to blame. What you said sounds emotionally abuse!

I think you need to understand that she isn't just punishing you for one ill judged comment.

She's taking the advice often given on here that if someone shows you who they are, you should believe them.

She doesn't want to be with the kind of person who would make that kind of comment.

So when she challeneged you on a comment you made, instead of saying along the lines of, "yeah, im sorry, i can see why that would bother you, i will try to address this behaviour", you came back with an emotionally charged comment that would see her having to reassure you that the behaviour is ok, and pander to your needs, thus forgetting the initial comment you made that she found distasteful?

You are 100% BU in expecting anyone to put up with that in a relationship. If that is actually how you felt get help for your mental health, if that isnt how you felt get help for using emotionally charged language to manipulate conversations so the person feels empathy for you. It is a very narcissistic trait.

I think she did the right thing.

It’s ONLY 15 months of your life @SullyW

This is when you START to consider of someone is going to go the distance.

You’re too different and walking on eggshells at this point of your relationship is a whole marching band of red flags.

Turn the page, don’t settle for this brain fuckery and find someone better who gets you and your dumbass sense of humour.

Agreed. The best thing you can do is respect her wishes to go nc. Use this as a learning experience for the next relationship.

Yeah cos you think it's not that big a deal. But she does.

You have left no room in the relationship for her feelings or boundaries. When she raises a problem and you say things like "I want to die", there's only room for you.

Move on, OP.

You betrayed her confidence and then tried to deflect from that with emotional manipulation.

If she was my friend I'd be so relieved she'd broken it off. I doubt these are the first red flags either.

Do her a favour and leave her in peace.

Yeah what he did was soo funny 🙄

You may be sorry that you said it, but if that kind of emotion al manipulation comes out of your mouth ( sorry or not) it shows that you have it in you to be emotionally manipulative. I would leave her alone now as it looks as though she isn't the type of woman to put up with that kind of shit and maybe learn from it for your next relationship.

You’ve been seeing each other 15 months. This is still the ‘honeymoon period’ you should be having fun and enjoying yourselves together.

Relationships are not supposed to be this exhausting especially at the start.

The I want to die comment then hanging up is very strange to describe as a joke and not only is immature and attention seeking it is also manipulative.

Advice - you are not a good match. Do you really want 10 more years of this? Cut your losses and move on.

It sounds like she wouldn’t have forgiven/forgotten the die comment even if you were alone. And nor should she. It’s a hugely manipulative thing to say.

Dark humour is no excuse for that one as that isn’t a joke

OP, you don't sound like you are sorry you said it, you sound like you are sorry you had to pay the price for what you tried and failed to do.

You were being emotionally manipulative.
You tried to publicly shame and belittle your ex in front of her friends, then you tried to put on the emotional pressure to get her to 'forgive' you for your unacceptable behaviour.

Leave her alone.
She deserves so much better than you.
Anyone deserves better than you.

It sounds like you would be much happier without her. Maybe try to see this as a blessing and move on?

she's really sensitive, which i am glad for, but now i feel like i have to watch every word i say. it's like i'm always walking on eggshells, and it's really taking a toll on my self-esteem.

The way you write about her here seems as though you are incompatible at best and trying to gain sympathy for bullying her at worst. What you describe as a 'dark sense of humour' sounds like it tipped over into humiliating her in front of her friends. What you describe as 'walking on eggshells' sounds like alluding to suicide in order to shut down her expressing her upset over your ill-judged remarks.

You seem to be trampling on her boundaries as evidenced by the fact that she appears to have ended your relationship and you are choosing to interpret that as her giving you the silent treatment. She can decide what a deal breaker is for her, and if you don't agree that's just tough.