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Original poster

Partner going on holiday with sister

316 replies

AnonymousB95 · 23/04/2024 15:24

My partner of 8 years is going away with his sister this year, the third year in a row. For context, they're incredibly close and since he moved out of the family home 3 years ago, have made going away together for a few days a yearly thing. She is about 14 years older, single, living at home and very successful.

Other than family, she doesn't have many friends or anyone to travel with. She organises and pays for everything on their trips so all he has to do is turn up.

I thought by now it wouldn't irritate me as much as did the first time, but it does. Am I in the wrong for feeling annoyed and somewhat, left out by this? I don't come from a family where I am close with my sibling so have never understood their relationship. She is a lot older and always seen him as a baby, and still does. They're in contact every day as he goes to her a lot for work issues/help.

These trips are usually pretty extravagant and I can't help but feel that as my partner we should be experiencing these things together. But I don't know if that's just selfish of me to say.

It's also irritating as I'm in the process of sorting a trip out for the 2 of us with no help from s/o. Then without warning, he puts in our joint diary he is going away with his sister. Which happened to be the exact dates I was also looking at.

He doesn't see the problem and thinks I'm unreasonable for being annoyed and should just be happy for her and him (as he would be for me). However, I feel as though sometimes her doing this is trying to 1 up me. My partner would never see it this way and it might just be my insecurities playing into it. But it sometimes makes me feel like he doesn't even need me in his life, the way he is treated by the women in his life (mums & sisters). Beyond these trips, they do a lot for him, buy him a lot of things etc.

Ultimately, I find the situation odd. Am I overacting?

OP posts:
DaniMontyRae · 23/04/2024 15:27

The only reasonable part of your post is being annoyed that he leaves all the planning of your joint trip to you. The rest is just you being jealous. Him going away for a few days with a sibling has zero impact on you, especially given he's not even paying for it.

Biggybigbiggles · 23/04/2024 15:28

I think you're being a bit unreasonable, yes. He's entitled to have a relationship with his sister.

TheCultureHusks · 23/04/2024 15:28

No. I wouldn’t be ok with this - I don’t want a relationship where my SO is utterly upfront about prioritising his relationships and plans with his birth family over me/us.

8 years. Are you thinking marriage/children? Never do this with someone who doesn’t see you as their main priority and your relationship as his primary loyalty.

ssd · 23/04/2024 15:30

I think its lovely them going away together

ssd · 23/04/2024 15:30

I think its lovely them going away together

ssd · 23/04/2024 15:30

I think its lovely them going away together

Itloggedmeoutagain · 23/04/2024 15:33

If neither of you knew which dates the other was looking at then you need to start communicating. Neither of you are mind readers

Haydenn · 23/04/2024 15:33

The fact she is paying for everything suggests to me you couldn’t have experience these things together anyway as you would be able to afford such extravagant holidays together.

Cathbrownlow · 23/04/2024 15:34

It's all fine, apart from the point another poster made above - where is his ultimate priority? If you were to have children together, he would need to put yours and the children's needs first. I'm not sure he would be able to do that.

SweetLittlePixie · 23/04/2024 15:35

TheCultureHusks · 23/04/2024 15:28

No. I wouldn’t be ok with this - I don’t want a relationship where my SO is utterly upfront about prioritising his relationships and plans with his birth family over me/us.

8 years. Are you thinking marriage/children? Never do this with someone who doesn’t see you as their main priority and your relationship as his primary loyalty.

How does him going away with his sister a few days a year mean, that OP isnt a priority? If my partner told me I cant go away with family, he wouldnt be my partner for long.
The OP just sounds jealous tbh.

fieldsofbutterflies · 23/04/2024 15:35

I genuinely can't imagine resenting my DH for spending time with his sister Confused

How would you feel if he didn't want you going away with your family for a few days?

Kindnessaboveall · 23/04/2024 15:36

I think that them going away together is reasonable and a good thing.
I think what is unreasonable is there isn't more communication regarding plans - them keeping you informed of dates etc and also you discussing what plans you have in mind with your partner.
Seems that this should be a really positive thing but lack of cooperation and communication is marring it.

Amonthinthecountry · 23/04/2024 15:36

I think it’s nice he has a close family and it’s unreasonable to begrudge him these holidays. More generally, have they welcomed you into their close family? I guess I can see why it would be annoying if they haven’t. I’d also be a bit miffed if these trips use up all his annual leave. Aside from that I can’t really see any problems.

phoenixrosehere · 23/04/2024 15:37

DaniMontyRae · 23/04/2024 15:27

The only reasonable part of your post is being annoyed that he leaves all the planning of your joint trip to you. The rest is just you being jealous. Him going away for a few days with a sibling has zero impact on you, especially given he's not even paying for it.

Agree.

Your issue is more his lack of planning for you both which from what you written comes from his sister usually doing the planning for him on top of both mother and sister doing lots of other things for him.

Do you blame them for doing the planning for him where he doesn’t think to do the planning for you both? Has he ever planned anything in the past?

saraclara · 23/04/2024 15:39

The going away together is nice, but he needs to communicate with you re: dates.

The daily conversations and her being his go to person at that level, I'd find a bit harder.

VJBR · 23/04/2024 15:46

It is a shame that you aren't included on the trips.

Original poster
AnonymousB95 · 23/04/2024 15:46

Thanks for commenting! I just want to add here that it seems a lot of you are calling me out for being jealous or resentful of their relationship.

I don't think I made this clear, but the two of them spending time together is not my issue. The types of trips she chooses, European Cruises, Paris, Italy - in my opinion make me feel uncomfortable.

I am very close to his family. This particular sister has always been standoffish. She chooses to not have a partner and I believe her brother fills that gap, in some respect. There is more to this story in relation to her behaviour towards me that also adds to my feelings!

OP posts:
Itloggedmeoutagain · 23/04/2024 15:48

AnonymousB95 · 23/04/2024 15:46

Thanks for commenting! I just want to add here that it seems a lot of you are calling me out for being jealous or resentful of their relationship.

I don't think I made this clear, but the two of them spending time together is not my issue. The types of trips she chooses, European Cruises, Paris, Italy - in my opinion make me feel uncomfortable.

I am very close to his family. This particular sister has always been standoffish. She chooses to not have a partner and I believe her brother fills that gap, in some respect. There is more to this story in relation to her behaviour towards me that also adds to my feelings!

Where would you be happy with them going? What's wrong with those places?

phoenixrosehere · 23/04/2024 15:52

AnonymousB95 · 23/04/2024 15:46

Thanks for commenting! I just want to add here that it seems a lot of you are calling me out for being jealous or resentful of their relationship.

I don't think I made this clear, but the two of them spending time together is not my issue. The types of trips she chooses, European Cruises, Paris, Italy - in my opinion make me feel uncomfortable.

I am very close to his family. This particular sister has always been standoffish. She chooses to not have a partner and I believe her brother fills that gap, in some respect. There is more to this story in relation to her behaviour towards me that also adds to my feelings!

The types of trips she chooses, European Cruises, Paris, Italy - in my opinion make me feel uncomfortable.

Why does it make you uncomfortable? Such places have something for all.

Bobbotgegrinch · 23/04/2024 15:53

AnonymousB95 · 23/04/2024 15:46

Thanks for commenting! I just want to add here that it seems a lot of you are calling me out for being jealous or resentful of their relationship.

I don't think I made this clear, but the two of them spending time together is not my issue. The types of trips she chooses, European Cruises, Paris, Italy - in my opinion make me feel uncomfortable.

I am very close to his family. This particular sister has always been standoffish. She chooses to not have a partner and I believe her brother fills that gap, in some respect. There is more to this story in relation to her behaviour towards me that also adds to my feelings!

Yeah, that post isn't making you seem any less jealous.

So the issue is really that you don't like the sister? That's not a problem surely, you're not the one being invited on the trip!

If you want your husband to be more involved in planning your trips away with him, then talk to him about it. But thats the only part of either of your posts where he's being unreasonable.

Testina · 23/04/2024 15:55

“It's also irritating as I'm in the process of sorting a trip out for the 2 of us with no help from s/o.”

Why? Is there a good reason for it being a surprise?
Or… are you infantilising him just as much as the other women in his life, so guilty of the same thing you dislike about them?

fieldsofbutterflies · 23/04/2024 15:55

I don't think I made this clear, but the two of them spending time together is not my issue. The types of trips she chooses, European Cruises, Paris, Italy - in my opinion make me feel uncomfortable.

I'm genuinely struggling to understand what's wrong with two family members going to Paris or Italy or on a cruise? Confused

paintingvenice · 23/04/2024 15:56

AnonymousB95 · 23/04/2024 15:46

Thanks for commenting! I just want to add here that it seems a lot of you are calling me out for being jealous or resentful of their relationship.

I don't think I made this clear, but the two of them spending time together is not my issue. The types of trips she chooses, European Cruises, Paris, Italy - in my opinion make me feel uncomfortable.

I am very close to his family. This particular sister has always been standoffish. She chooses to not have a partner and I believe her brother fills that gap, in some respect. There is more to this story in relation to her behaviour towards me that also adds to my feelings!

So you would be fine if it was Butlins but because it’s glamorous places that’s a problem? Yep, you sound jealous. Read back what you’ve just written- it doesn’t read as anything else.

MahMahMahMahCorona · 23/04/2024 15:56

Why don't you plan your trip over the same period of time with a friend instead of your SO?

From an additional comment, it seems you're almost trying to insinuate that it is the sibling relationship which makes you uncomfortable. A cruise, a trip to Paris, a trip to Italy. Can you elaborate on that? Are you suggesting these places / experiences should be for lovers rather than siblings?

Testina · 23/04/2024 15:57

“These trips are usually pretty extravagant and I can't help but feel that as my partner we should be experiencing these things together. But I don't know if that's just selfish of me to say.”

It’s not costing him anything, so why is it stopping you both from experiencing things together? As long as he’s not using up all his annual leave on trips with her, just get on and go to places with him. It’s a big world out there! (but make him pull his weight organising that)