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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner going on holiday with sister

316 replies

AnonymousB95 · 23/04/2024 15:24

My partner of 8 years is going away with his sister this year, the third year in a row. For context, they're incredibly close and since he moved out of the family home 3 years ago, have made going away together for a few days a yearly thing. She is about 14 years older, single, living at home and very successful.

Other than family, she doesn't have many friends or anyone to travel with. She organises and pays for everything on their trips so all he has to do is turn up.

I thought by now it wouldn't irritate me as much as did the first time, but it does. Am I in the wrong for feeling annoyed and somewhat, left out by this? I don't come from a family where I am close with my sibling so have never understood their relationship. She is a lot older and always seen him as a baby, and still does. They're in contact every day as he goes to her a lot for work issues/help.

These trips are usually pretty extravagant and I can't help but feel that as my partner we should be experiencing these things together. But I don't know if that's just selfish of me to say.

It's also irritating as I'm in the process of sorting a trip out for the 2 of us with no help from s/o. Then without warning, he puts in our joint diary he is going away with his sister. Which happened to be the exact dates I was also looking at.

He doesn't see the problem and thinks I'm unreasonable for being annoyed and should just be happy for her and him (as he would be for me). However, I feel as though sometimes her doing this is trying to 1 up me. My partner would never see it this way and it might just be my insecurities playing into it. But it sometimes makes me feel like he doesn't even need me in his life, the way he is treated by the women in his life (mums & sisters). Beyond these trips, they do a lot for him, buy him a lot of things etc.

Ultimately, I find the situation odd. Am I overacting?

OP posts:
Capmagturk · 23/04/2024 17:29

Iaskedyouthrice · 23/04/2024 17:01

Ah, posters wilfully ignoring what you have written. Love it.
Look @AnonymousB95 , you are not this man's priority. Please value yourself more. If you want children, nope. Won't work.
Me and my OH are both close to our families but we prioritise each other and our children.
I'm sure if you told us every detail regarding their dynamic and how you fit in to it then it would be obvious. However, amongst the posters just blathering on about you being jealous there are posters capable of reading what you have already written and getting it.
Don't cling on to someone who isn't prepared to put you first. I get the impression this yearly holiday is the least of your worries.

Isn't prepared to put her first 🤣 heaven forbid anyone goes away three days without their partner with a family member. Would be saying all this nonsense if it was two sisters going away and a husband posting, I think not.

Nutella22 · 23/04/2024 17:32

OP, just wondering if they are full blood relations or are they step siblings and you feel something more is going on?

SleepingStandingUp · 23/04/2024 17:33

Yes op, you're right. Upon meeting you he should sack off all his female relatives declaring "she is the home of all my needs!!"

How DARE he continue to have a relationship with his family.

I hope you also convince him to dump all his friends too.

BobbyBiscuits · 23/04/2024 17:39

It sounds like she does see him as a best friend as well as a brother. How do you get along with her? Would it help if you invited her to drinks or something with you and your bf? If you knew her better you might feel less left out or threatened.
He should be helping organise the trip you're planning together. He seems quite lazy as his sister obviously plans everything for their trips. Make it plain your not going to be doing all the work!
If the issue is you feel like he respects his female family members more than he does you, then there's a deeper problem that needs to be addressed. But that wouldn't be the fault of his sister. If you were to criticise her too directly it might backfire and he'll get defensive?

NewWater · 23/04/2024 17:40

Iaskedyouthrice · 23/04/2024 17:01

Ah, posters wilfully ignoring what you have written. Love it.
Look @AnonymousB95 , you are not this man's priority. Please value yourself more. If you want children, nope. Won't work.
Me and my OH are both close to our families but we prioritise each other and our children.
I'm sure if you told us every detail regarding their dynamic and how you fit in to it then it would be obvious. However, amongst the posters just blathering on about you being jealous there are posters capable of reading what you have already written and getting it.
Don't cling on to someone who isn't prepared to put you first. I get the impression this yearly holiday is the least of your worries.

God, you must be exhausting. Do you require a separate declaration of intent to relegate all your DH's relatives and friends in favour of you, or can he just make a general declaration?

NecessaryNC24 · 23/04/2024 17:46

Nutella22 · 23/04/2024 17:32

OP, just wondering if they are full blood relations or are they step siblings and you feel something more is going on?

Yeah I got that er... incestuous vibe. Though OP, that can happen anywhere you know.

5128gap · 23/04/2024 17:47

I think you're U to try to stop something that was in place before you met, and is objectively 'above board'. It's not like it's a female friend who threatens you, or that he is spending money and leaving himself short to do things with you or pay his way. The only possible loss to you is a couple of days leave he might otherwise have spent with you. However, the point it, he doesn't want to do that, he wants to do the trip with his sister. Personally I think its nice and if the woman is lonely it's mean to begrudge her his time.

snowlady4 · 23/04/2024 17:50

I find it a bit odd they don't include you. Would you go if they did? I think I'd just say, I like the sound of xyz, I'll come along too, if thats ok. You can pay your share if thats an issue, but you'll be in his room anyway so the only additional cost would be your transport.
I wouldn't go if my husband was going away with his sister- not my cup of tea and it wouldn't bother me if he wanted to do that- but you do seem to feel somewhat left out.
Could you plan something fun to do with your own family on the weekend they go, so you're not dwelling on it?

5128gap · 23/04/2024 17:50

NecessaryNC24 · 23/04/2024 17:46

Yeah I got that er... incestuous vibe. Though OP, that can happen anywhere you know.

Show quote history

That's a leap. A lonely woman wants a holiday with one of the only people she actually knows, and a guy wants an all expenses paid trip to somewhere extravagant with his doting older sister. I think the motives of both can be understood easily enough without scraping around in the gutter looking for a perverted sexual angle to it.

PinkyFlamingo · 23/04/2024 17:52

pikkumyy77 · 23/04/2024 16:14

I think posters are very overly sentimental and naive about this brother/sister bond. If she were not a relative I think people would see what is fairly obvious which is that the brother and sister are having an “emotional affair” (in scare quotes because it is a bit shocking to say it I suppose). As between siblings its also called covert incest.

OP sees these trips as a bit too romantic and intimate and sees them as encroaching on her relationship. I don’t think she is wrong. I also think the wealth disparity and the sister treating her brother as thoygh he is singlle is insulting.

I should day thatI am very close to my older brother and would think nothing of treating him or being treated. However I would think it inappropriate, unfair, and rude to exclude my sister in law or my dh from an expensive treat that would displace family time—like a trip to Paris with him which meant he didn’t go with his wife? That is some weird, unhealthy, competitive shit.

You need help if that's what you've came up with, you really do.

betterangels · 23/04/2024 17:52

The types of trips she chooses, European Cruises, Paris, Italy - in my opinion make me feel uncomfortable.

Is that because you've swallowed the media hype that these places are especially romantic or something? I mean, if so, that's on you.

NecessaryNC24 · 23/04/2024 17:53

5128 you read that wrong.

I inferred that from OP's paranoia, not mine. My guess was OP is thinking along those lines, which is batshit ofc.

betterangels · 23/04/2024 17:53

I think posters are very overly sentimental and naive about this brother/sister bond. If she were not a relative I think people would see what is fairly obvious which is that the brother and sister are having an “emotional affair” (in scare quotes because it is a bit shocking to say it I suppose). As between siblings its also called covert incest.

Fucking hell, this place is mad sometimes.

Iaskedyouthrice · 23/04/2024 17:54

NewWater · 23/04/2024 17:40

God, you must be exhausting. Do you require a separate declaration of intent to relegate all your DH's relatives and friends in favour of you, or can he just make a general declaration?

Show quote history

Eh?

HulaChick · 23/04/2024 17:57

I go away with my sister every year & I'd be mightily pissed off if anyone said they didn't like it. You're healous, whereas you should be pleased that they make time for each other. A sibling relationship is the closest blood relationship you can have.

WineThirty · 23/04/2024 17:57

When you are single with few friends (or your friends all have families and only want to holiday with them), i think holidays can be really difficult. Holidaying alone is not for everyone and if she has no friends i suspect she would not enjoy group holidays with strangers. I have a friend in this position and she loves travelling and does holiday on her own if that is the only option, but she is much happier when she has someone to travel with. She is very happy now that her friends' children are mainly older and they are on for the odd weekend (or sometimes week) away with her.
Your DP's DS may have no-one else to go to Italy etc with so i think he is actually doing a really nice thing keeping her company.

Overall I would not be annoyed about the fact he holidays with her but i suspect i may be a little annoyed if he went away with her so much that he had little annual leave left to holiday with me or if he had already committed to going away the same dates with you or possibly if there is somewhere special you had talked about going together that would not be the same if he had already been.

AuntieJoyce · 23/04/2024 17:57

This thread is batter than shit

Makes mental note to cancel annual trip with DB in case of giving off creepy incest vibes

Iaskedyouthrice · 23/04/2024 17:57

Capmagturk · 23/04/2024 17:29

Isn't prepared to put her first 🤣 heaven forbid anyone goes away three days without their partner with a family member. Would be saying all this nonsense if it was two sisters going away and a husband posting, I think not.

Show quote history

It wasn't about the holiday 🙄 me and my OH only go away together once a year. It was the other things she wrote. Have you read the OP's posts? Did you actually read mine?

AppleCrumbleTea · 23/04/2024 18:01

It’s great they go away together. I think you should go away with a close friend regularly too.

NecessaryNC24 · 23/04/2024 18:05

AuntieJoyce · 23/04/2024 17:57

This thread is batter than shit

Makes mental note to cancel annual trip with DB in case of giving off creepy incest vibes

Lol.

Whatifthehokeycokey · 23/04/2024 18:10

Do you think you would feel the same way if it was his brother?

SOxon · 23/04/2024 18:13

OP - your sil is doing what is called upsetting the applecart
or cutting in

your so called partner is not only allowing this but doesn’t care
what you think or how you feel about it : this is a non negotiable
part of his life which is weird, unsettling, inappropriate, most of all,
divisive

do what you’ve gotta do, you know it makes sense (‘cos the situation
as it is now is untenable)

PloddingAlong21 · 23/04/2024 18:15

Give over, you’re obviously jealous of his sister. This is beyond weird.

Would you be happy if they went to Skegness for the weekend instead?

Stop being ridiculous - he isn’t even out of pocket and it’s lovely he has a great relationship with his sister. Don’t ask him to choose.

Workawayxx · 23/04/2024 18:16

I think there's a bit you need to unpick here regarding your feelings on this. What about it is the bit that bothers you most? Is it the "romantic" type destinations with no thought to whether you'd like to experience these first with him? The substitute partner vibe? Her coolness towards you? His enthusiasm about these holidays compared to your holiday together? The lack of communication regarding dates?

Tbh, I've been with a man who was happy to arrange holidays/day trips/nights out with friends but always left it to me to arrange for the 2 of us (and there would often be a lot of "issues" - flight was the wrong time of day/don't want to spend the money etc). It wasn't what we broke up over but it's not something I miss - to put it mildly!

Can you go away with friends/family (not necessarily the same time) as well? That might take the pressure of your couple holiday and make trips away something you both do and sometimes you go together. Although, I can imagine if he left you to struggle at home with small children while he went off for a lovely relaxing luxury break, that might be problematic. It'd be interesting to hear how he's see that working if you plan children in your future.

AGoingConcern · 23/04/2024 18:19

It does sound like you see his sister as competition on some level, which is something to work through on your own (or with support). It's totally unreasonable to dislike him going on trips with his sister, or having a close relationship and if a man came on here complaining that his wife took a trip with her sister each year he would be flogged.

Things that are reasonable:

  • Expecting to collaborate on a budget for holidays that takes into account both joint travel (the two of you together) and separate travel
  • Expecting your partner to contribute to joint holiday planning if asked
  • Expecting a little advanced notice from your partner before they book holiday travel so the two of you can work through any potential schedule conflicts
  • To set boundaries for yourself in regards to the sister's behavior towards you. This means you can choose not to spend time around the sister if she treats you poorly, not that you can make that choice for your DH.
One of your followups mentioned more general issues with the sister. Consider that these things can often become a feedback loop - you feel competitive/jealous towards the sister> she picks that up and it shows in her behavior towards you> you have increasingly negative feelings towards the sister... and so on. Working on your side of this can really help break that loop even if the two of you never become friends.