Partner going on holiday with sister

[AnonymousB95]

My partner of 8 years is going away with his sister this year, the third year in a row. For context, they're incredibly close and since he moved out of the family home 3 years ago, have made going away together for a few days a yearly thing. She is about 14 years older, single, living at home and very successful.

Other than family, she doesn't have many friends or anyone to travel with. She organises and pays for everything on their trips so all he has to do is turn up.

I thought by now it wouldn't irritate me as much as did the first time, but it does. Am I in the wrong for feeling annoyed and somewhat, left out by this? I don't come from a family where I am close with my sibling so have never understood their relationship. She is a lot older and always seen him as a baby, and still does. They're in contact every day as he goes to her a lot for work issues/help.

These trips are usually pretty extravagant and I can't help but feel that as my partner we should be experiencing these things together. But I don't know if that's just selfish of me to say.

It's also irritating as I'm in the process of sorting a trip out for the 2 of us with no help from s/o. Then without warning, he puts in our joint diary he is going away with his sister. Which happened to be the exact dates I was also looking at.

He doesn't see the problem and thinks I'm unreasonable for being annoyed and should just be happy for her and him (as he would be for me). However, I feel as though sometimes her doing this is trying to 1 up me. My partner would never see it this way and it might just be my insecurities playing into it. But it sometimes makes me feel like he doesn't even need me in his life, the way he is treated by the women in his life (mums & sisters). Beyond these trips, they do a lot for him, buy him a lot of things etc.

Ultimately, I find the situation odd. Am I overacting?

I've been to Paris and Italy with friends and also with a parent.
Didn't occur to my husband to be bothered

That's not a problem surely, you're not the one being invited on the trip!

I think if OP was being invited on the trip and the sister was paying for her too then this situation would be much less of a problem. I think the crux of the issue is 8 years in it is apparent this is staying a siblings trip and OP will never get the jolly.

Yes, I also want to know what the problem with destinations is -- are you one of those people who thinks that Paris, cruises and Italy are 'for couples', like those oversexed loons who think the cinema is 'couple territory', so that if you go there with your friend Dave whom you've known since babyhood because of a shared enthusiasm for Dune you'll end up having sex in the back row?

You're coming across really unreasonable, yes.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with going away with his sister for a few days especially when she's paying and therefore not eating in to his funds to prevent him going away with you.

It's unreasonable the holiday planning is being left to you tho and you aren't communicating between yourselves regarding this.

Everything else is a you issue.

@Herdinggoats “I think the crux of the issue is 8 years in it is apparent this is staying a siblings trip and OP will never get the jolly.”

It’s not been going on for 8 years though.
Only for 3, and specifically since he left his parents’ family home, where they were both living. So a pretty good reason to start, and a good reason why his sister would want it to be “siblings” time.

But I agree with you that it stems from jealousy - just not only of the nice trip location, but the siblings time they’re having.

AIBU to resent my boyfriend spending just 4 out of 365 days a year with his sister? Basically.

YANBU @AnonymousB95

It’s a bit weird. I’d be pissed off too.

I think it's lovely to be honest. My DH has 5 sisters (!!) and is very close to them and to his mum. He's often had trips away with some or all of them. I'd never want to interfere in their relationship. I'm pleased he has such a strong relationship with them.

And as others have said,don’t get married to him. it sounds like she dominates him, telling him when and where they’re going.

YANBU to feel as you do - feelings aren't wrong in themselves. What's unreasonable is stewing over it, viewing it as a personal insult, and trying to blockade his relationship with his sister.

A reasonable approach would be to give yourself maybe half an hour to honour your feelings of rejection and envy, then get on with life. If it'd help you to go on a short break to somewhere like Barcelona or Rome with a friend, organise one!

For good measure, stop infantilising your partner and initiate a collaborative approach to holiday planning.

I wonder how you'd feel if it was a brother he was going away with.

Just be aware, if your jealousy is as apparent as it is on here, you may end up pushing your partner away.

Yabvu. He's allowed to be close to his sister, and your alluding to their relationship being romantic is down right weird on your behalf.

Thanks so much, everyone! I've checked in with myself and reminded myself how invalid my feelings are and there is no reason for me to feel this way. Silly me! I'll crawl back to pit of jealousy now.

I must have missed all of this advice on this thread????

Seriously?!
Dominates? 🤣

How old is he? Do they work together, same industry? Why does he go to her if he has issues?

I think it’s good they have a close relationship and I can’t see what the relevance is of where they go, unless it’s just because you can’t afford those places?
The diary was obviously blank when he entered this holiday on it. It would have been useful if you’d told him what dates you wanted to go away

I think posters are very overly sentimental and naive about this brother/sister bond. If she were not a relative I think people would see what is fairly obvious which is that the brother and sister are having an “emotional affair” (in scare quotes because it is a bit shocking to say it I suppose). As between siblings its also called covert incest.

OP sees these trips as a bit too romantic and intimate and sees them as encroaching on her relationship. I don’t think she is wrong. I also think the wealth disparity and the sister treating her brother as thoygh he is singlle is insulting.

I should day thatI am very close to my older brother and would think nothing of treating him or being treated. However I would think it inappropriate, unfair, and rude to exclude my sister in law or my dh from an expensive treat that would displace family time—like a trip to Paris with him which meant he didn’t go with his wife? That is some weird, unhealthy, competitive shit.

Ooh, can I nominate this for weirdest post on Mumsnet 2024?

She tells him where and when they’re going and he jumps 🤷🏼‍♀️

Jesus Christ. ‘Covert incest’?!

Only on mumsnet is it completely unreasonable for people to have meaningful relationships with anyone other than their romantic partner. God forbid someone has a close relationship with a parent or a sibling.

To me it is incredibly unhealthy to have the kind of romantic relationship where you can’t spent time with other people without the other one.

“I would think it inappropriate, unfair, and rude to exclude my sister in law or my dh from an expensive treat that would displace family time—like a trip to Paris with him which meant he didn’t go with his wife?”

Where has the OP said it displaces from family time?
She said it’s a matter of days each year.
If her boyfriend doesn’t then also go to places with her - that’s a boyfriend problem, not a boyfriend’s sister problem.

The cost is irrelevant - she’s not cajoling him into paying half, leaving him unable to go away with his girlfriend.

What sort of things do all the women in the family buy him @AnonymousB95 Is he much younger than rest of his siblings?

I have visited Paris and Italy together with my sister, so I really fail to see why those wouldn't be suitable destinations to travel with a family member. It's not unreasonable for you to feel jealous of him travelling with his sister but it would be unreasonable for you to infere or try to prevent it. My partner travels abroad once a year with his friends for 1-2 weeks and I get jealous when they travel to a cool location. However, I've never tried to prevent him from going as I know those trips are important to him and his friends, particularly as they live in different countries these days and only see each other few times a year.

Nonsense.
She suggests somewhere, that’s all. He’s got a tongue in his head.

Is @AnonymousB95 dominating him too, given that she was organising a trip without his input too?

Or did I miss the post that explained that he begged her not to choose Paris because it’s romantic and he wants to experience it for the first time with his girlfriend, then his sister shouted at him and threatened him with no more nice trips until he agreed on Paris?

Wow. I travel to see/with my mother or my sister on a regular basis.

If dh objected he'd be (rightly) called controlling, abusive and more.

Why is this different?