Partner going on holiday with sister

[AnonymousB95]

My partner of 8 years is going away with his sister this year, the third year in a row. For context, they're incredibly close and since he moved out of the family home 3 years ago, have made going away together for a few days a yearly thing. She is about 14 years older, single, living at home and very successful.

Other than family, she doesn't have many friends or anyone to travel with. She organises and pays for everything on their trips so all he has to do is turn up.

I thought by now it wouldn't irritate me as much as did the first time, but it does. Am I in the wrong for feeling annoyed and somewhat, left out by this? I don't come from a family where I am close with my sibling so have never understood their relationship. She is a lot older and always seen him as a baby, and still does. They're in contact every day as he goes to her a lot for work issues/help.

These trips are usually pretty extravagant and I can't help but feel that as my partner we should be experiencing these things together. But I don't know if that's just selfish of me to say.

It's also irritating as I'm in the process of sorting a trip out for the 2 of us with no help from s/o. Then without warning, he puts in our joint diary he is going away with his sister. Which happened to be the exact dates I was also looking at.

He doesn't see the problem and thinks I'm unreasonable for being annoyed and should just be happy for her and him (as he would be for me). However, I feel as though sometimes her doing this is trying to 1 up me. My partner would never see it this way and it might just be my insecurities playing into it. But it sometimes makes me feel like he doesn't even need me in his life, the way he is treated by the women in his life (mums & sisters). Beyond these trips, they do a lot for him, buy him a lot of things etc.

Ultimately, I find the situation odd. Am I overacting?

I agree. So many indignant, angry and aggressive responses on here who can’t see that it’s weird. Also, what a lot of them are missing is the OPs feelings about it. She is unhappy with it and that’s the point.

Just because someone doesn't agree with you it doesn't mean they can't see your point.
You think it's weird
I don't
There's no right and wrong.
It's OK to disagree

It’s not weird, that’s what op is insinuating, not sure why she’s not stating it, she thinks their relationship is too close/enmeshed and potentially they are treating each other like a surrogate spouse not a sibling relationship. Covert incest doesn’t mean they are having a sexual relationship, it’s often seen between parents and children, often when the parents relationship has broken down.

@Ilovecleaning just because op is unhappy doesn't mean she's right!

Can you imagine a man stopping his wife going away and saying you can't go because I'm unhappy, there would be uproar, justifiably.

Coercive control by the OP, using upset as an excuse.

No.

If my friend came and complained her partner goes on holiday with his brother a few days a year and that the brother pays for it and she's jealous, I'd essentially tell her to stop being so controlling and jealous. THAT is what friends are for.

I don’t understand your problem at all.

Wow so many posters supporting this weird enmeshed family dynamic of his!

@AnonymousB95 It’s really odd and infantilising to him. No wonder you’re uncomfortable.

Do you have siblings? Would you honestly never go away with them?? I have two sisters, we never have time or money for a holiday just us but if we did it would be great. But then I also two two weekends a year with friends and I'm away this weekend alone. We don't have a marriage that's reliant on isolating ourselves together

I think it's jealousy not uncomfortable...

Exactly. If this was two sisters or two brother, well sisters it would be fine, brothers it would be "they're off to fuck any willing woman" but no one would assume they were spooning in the double bed and reciting Flowers In The Attic whistfully

Yes, that’s great for you. But the OP is clearly very unhappy about it. And I assume you don’t have OPs weird SIL behaviour or a partner who is mollycoddled by his female relatives.
I think the thread is about OPs discomfort and the weird family set-up, not about the principle of goi g on holiday with siblings.

Poor OP, it's not her stopping her partner, it's her partner going on holiday with his sister who isn't invited by the sister who doesn't seem to like OP. Very unfair to suggest coercive control.
When my parents got together my dad's sister would invite my dad to things leaving out my mother, not even holidays, nights out, dinners. She didn't like my mother. It became difficult for my dad and for my mum who felt excluded. Thirty years or so later my dad's sister writes to my mother asking her to forgive her for being cold and unkind to her. My mother didn't respond, but after my aunt died really established a strong relationship with my cousin's, the aunt's children.
I really think OP has been very unfairly lambasted on here.

Why on Earth would she invite the OP along? It would be different if the sil had her own partner and they went as two couples.

@Ohwellithappens poor OP????

Nope it's coercive control!

Oh course. You're right and an expert.

Imagine if the post went something like this

My brother and I go away just the two of us, we've seen some great places and it's nice to get away just the two of us. I'm not sure if I should go next time because my husband says me going away with my brother makes him unhappy and I should be going to those places with him not with my brother. What should I do?

I know that's what the OP is insinuating. That doesn't make it any less odd, it just means two people are odd instead of one.

Two siblings going on holiday together isn't an "emotional affair" or "covert incest", it a perfectly normal sibling relationship!

@Ohwellithappens oh come on ....

365 days in a year and OP doesn't want to live apart for a few days

Exactly this!!

Why should SIL pay for her brother and OP though? Would OP pay for his sister to come along on a holiday? Very doubtful considering OP is annoyed and upset that they go on holiday together in the first place.

OP doesn’t like his sister either and doesn’t like how his sister and mother dote on him. She has had an issue with this for years and it reads like she hoped it would change when they moved in together and it didn’t.

She is not unreasonable to want him to be more involved and he should but she is very unreasonable to be blaming his sister when he is an adult and could decline if he wants to which he doesn’t.

She has a DP problem and what she really should be asking herself is if she wants to stay in a relationship with this dynamic because it is very likely not going to change not if it is weird for siblings to go on holiday together a few days a year.

I think it’s nice he does trips with her and if they get on and she finds it I can see why he wants to go. Also if she is single and without friends I can see why she wants him to go. However, if it stops the two of you going away together as he doesn’t have enough holiday left etc then it’s an issue and he should suggest either shorter trips with his sister or for you to join

She's gone.

It’s already been said I know, but I did wonder exactly how close they were. Whatever it is it’s anyone’s guess, but she’s bought him that’s for sure.

I go away with my sister occasionally, we went to Budapest for 5 days earlier this year. We do split costs though. She's single, and we like similar things.

She does get on with DP though, they go to see Bond films, Mission Impossible, the kind of stuff I'd rather dunk my head in a bucket of cat piss than see. I don't think they're canoodling in the back row of the cinema....

And I will also have a holiday with DP.

I really can't see an issue here.

I assumed that the finances of the trip would change. So maybe the answer is to try and find or introduce the sister to potential boyfriends because I suspect if the sister had a partner this conversation would end.

I doubt it would if the sister continues to invite her brother on holidays, partner or not.

Having a spouse doesn’t stop others from doing trips with their siblings.