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Original poster

Partner going on holiday with sister

316 replies

AnonymousB95 · 23/04/2024 15:24

My partner of 8 years is going away with his sister this year, the third year in a row. For context, they're incredibly close and since he moved out of the family home 3 years ago, have made going away together for a few days a yearly thing. She is about 14 years older, single, living at home and very successful.

Other than family, she doesn't have many friends or anyone to travel with. She organises and pays for everything on their trips so all he has to do is turn up.

I thought by now it wouldn't irritate me as much as did the first time, but it does. Am I in the wrong for feeling annoyed and somewhat, left out by this? I don't come from a family where I am close with my sibling so have never understood their relationship. She is a lot older and always seen him as a baby, and still does. They're in contact every day as he goes to her a lot for work issues/help.

These trips are usually pretty extravagant and I can't help but feel that as my partner we should be experiencing these things together. But I don't know if that's just selfish of me to say.

It's also irritating as I'm in the process of sorting a trip out for the 2 of us with no help from s/o. Then without warning, he puts in our joint diary he is going away with his sister. Which happened to be the exact dates I was also looking at.

He doesn't see the problem and thinks I'm unreasonable for being annoyed and should just be happy for her and him (as he would be for me). However, I feel as though sometimes her doing this is trying to 1 up me. My partner would never see it this way and it might just be my insecurities playing into it. But it sometimes makes me feel like he doesn't even need me in his life, the way he is treated by the women in his life (mums & sisters). Beyond these trips, they do a lot for him, buy him a lot of things etc.

Ultimately, I find the situation odd. Am I overacting?

OP posts:
Iggii · 23/04/2024 19:15

He was still living at home for the first five years of their relationship. Lots of things aren't conventional!

KreedKafer · 23/04/2024 19:16

These trips are usually pretty extravagant and I can't help but feel that as my partner we should be experiencing these things together

But you said his sister pays for their trips, so why should you experience them with him? If you can afford extravagant trips for you and DH as a couple, then book one. If you can’t, that’s neither your DH’s fault nor his sister’s. He isn’t going away with his sister at the expense of you as a couple and she isn’t stopping him from having similar trips with you.

To be honest, your post makes it sound like you’re quite jealous of their relationship and possessive over your DH - but I’m sure that’s not actually a conscious thing on your part. You mention that you aren’t close to any siblings yourself so do you think there’s an element of envy that he has that kind of comfortable sibling bond? She is his sister and it’s not weird for siblings to want to spend time together.

lemonmeringueno3 · 23/04/2024 19:16

I have four grown up children who are, and have always been, incredibly close. They also go on holiday together. I love that their relationship is so close. I am not aware of their partners resenting it, but I would really judge them for it if they did. Having close sibling relationships does not mean that your partner is not your priority does it? Just as parents don't have a finite pot of love for their children, and can love the second as much as the first, so we can all have several healthy important relationships.

It sounds as if his sister doesn't have anyone to go on holiday with, so she asks and pays for him. How lovely that his big sister is able to give him those experiences.

You do sound jealous. You wouldn't care as much if it was a snowboarding trip with his brothers.

Iggii · 23/04/2024 19:17

bluebird3 · 23/04/2024 18:43

YANBU

I think going on a trip with siblings is fine. However I would have an issue with him going on a big blow out trip every year. It does take away from your holidays together to know that his biggest and best holiday every year will be a treat from his sister, where you are never going to be included.

I'd think this would be fine every few years, or if they invited you but you paid for yourself and agreed to have some time on your own at the spa so they could have some brother/sister time.

It would be less of an issue if they were just having a week hiking in the UK somewhere or even a bog standard sun holiday. It's not even that it's with his sister - I'd be annoyed if my DP went on a blow out holiday every year with a mate, even if it was paid for by the mate. If it's someplace you want to go is he really going to want to go again? Or even if he does it's not quite the same as experiencing it together the first time.

Again, every 3-4 years - fine, smaller holidays yearly - fine. Big fancy blow out holidays every year, always overshadowing your holidays together - not fine.

OP said they have a few days away together. How is this a "big fancy blow out holiday"?
You can't seriously expect the sister to want to go away with her brother and his girlfriend and pay for that.

SOxon · 23/04/2024 19:18

StormingNorman · 23/04/2024 18:36

You just sound jealous that you’re missing out on some great trips.

has it not occurred to you that perhaps the great trips are a deliberate means
of whatever reasoning a sister 14 years older than her brother has, of a prior
call on his time, attentions, sibling allegiance

who picked up on the bald fact of this yearly jolly establishing itself once the younger sibling left home (to live with OP in case you missed that too)

Iggii · 23/04/2024 19:19

@SOxon I think you need to edit your post as it doesn't make any sense!

lemonmeringueno3 · 23/04/2024 19:20

If dp told me I was weird for going on holiday with my sister he wouldn't be my dp for long.

Bloody mn. Why are some pp fuelling this unnecessary drama.

BruFord · 23/04/2024 19:20

Frangipanyoul8r · 23/04/2024 19:13

It may not be a conventional relationship but if she’s “very successful” and living at home then she doesn’t sound very conventional herself. Have you considered the fact she doesn’t have friends and lives at home as a single adult a sign she may be neurodiverse? Sometimes when adults struggle to make friends, then family relationships become intensely important.

You might be right, @Frangipanyoul8r . Perhaps his sister only feels comfortable with her family, hence not being friendly towards the OP.

SOxon · 23/04/2024 19:21

Iggii · 23/04/2024 19:19

@SOxon I think you need to edit your post as it doesn't make any sense!

which one

lemonmeringueno3 · 23/04/2024 19:21

"who picked up on the bald fact of this yearly jolly establishing itself once the younger sibling left home (to live with OP in case you missed that too)"

Yes, because they no longer lived under the same roof so established this annual ritual. It's one weekend a year.

lemonmeringueno3 · 23/04/2024 19:25

Some horrible motives being attached to his sister here without any evidence except imagination.

A sister who misses living with her little brother and doesn't have anyone to go on holiday with. My interpretation is that she books trips she wants to do and then pays for him. How anyone can look at that family dynamic and see something that must be resented and stopped is beyond me.

betterangels · 23/04/2024 19:31

lemonmeringueno3 · 23/04/2024 19:25

Some horrible motives being attached to his sister here without any evidence except imagination.

A sister who misses living with her little brother and doesn't have anyone to go on holiday with. My interpretation is that she books trips she wants to do and then pays for him. How anyone can look at that family dynamic and see something that must be resented and stopped is beyond me.

Many on here are NC with family and/or emphasise 'our own little family'. Close relationships with siblings are likely foreign to them. Therefore, the sister must be weird and have ulterior motives.

ItsFuckingBoringFeedingEveryoneUntilYouDie · 23/04/2024 19:33

lemonmeringueno3 · 23/04/2024 19:25

Some horrible motives being attached to his sister here without any evidence except imagination.

A sister who misses living with her little brother and doesn't have anyone to go on holiday with. My interpretation is that she books trips she wants to do and then pays for him. How anyone can look at that family dynamic and see something that must be resented and stopped is beyond me.

If 'her little brother' has grown up and left home, lives with a partner, maybe it is time for her to find some friends to go on holiday with? Surely she must have more than just a substantially younger sibling in her life, even if no partner.

Pleasebeafleabite · 23/04/2024 19:33

bluebird3 · 23/04/2024 18:43

YANBU

I think going on a trip with siblings is fine. However I would have an issue with him going on a big blow out trip every year. It does take away from your holidays together to know that his biggest and best holiday every year will be a treat from his sister, where you are never going to be included.

I'd think this would be fine every few years, or if they invited you but you paid for yourself and agreed to have some time on your own at the spa so they could have some brother/sister time.

It would be less of an issue if they were just having a week hiking in the UK somewhere or even a bog standard sun holiday. It's not even that it's with his sister - I'd be annoyed if my DP went on a blow out holiday every year with a mate, even if it was paid for by the mate. If it's someplace you want to go is he really going to want to go again? Or even if he does it's not quite the same as experiencing it together the first time.

Again, every 3-4 years - fine, smaller holidays yearly - fine. Big fancy blow out holidays every year, always overshadowing your holidays together - not fine.

TLDR wah wah wah someone’s having a better holiday than me

pictoosh · 23/04/2024 19:35

I don't know why so many people think their partner is their property.

FacingTheWall · 23/04/2024 19:39

MissBedelia · 23/04/2024 16:15

She tells him where and when they’re going and he jumps 🤷🏼‍♀️

Show quote history

He doesn’t ‘jump’, he says yes! If my sibling offered me a trip somewhere lovely, and there was nothing in the diary, I’d say yes without hesitation too!

Pleasebeafleabite · 23/04/2024 19:39

ItsFuckingBoringFeedingEveryoneUntilYouDie · 23/04/2024 19:33

If 'her little brother' has grown up and left home, lives with a partner, maybe it is time for her to find some friends to go on holiday with? Surely she must have more than just a substantially younger sibling in her life, even if no partner.

Show quote history

Or two siblings who enjoy each other’s company could just carry on doing so

Like normal people not MN loons

betterangels · 23/04/2024 19:44

pictoosh · 23/04/2024 19:35

I don't know why so many people think their partner is their property.

So much this.

StormingNorman · 23/04/2024 19:48

SOxon · 23/04/2024 19:18

has it not occurred to you that perhaps the great trips are a deliberate means
of whatever reasoning a sister 14 years older than her brother has, of a prior
call on his time, attentions, sibling allegiance

who picked up on the bald fact of this yearly jolly establishing itself once the younger sibling left home (to live with OP in case you missed that too)

Show quote history

The siblings talk daily and the trips started when he left home so they would continue to get some quality time.

It is a couple of days a year…not a huge claim on his time or attentions.

The OP is jealous that she’s missing out on fun trips - cruises, Italy, Paris:

These trips are usually pretty extravagant and I can't help but feel that as my partner we should be experiencing these things together.

They have plenty of time to go on their own holidays too.

It occurred to me that the trips could be a power move but I think on balance they are just a very bonded pair of sibling who lived together well into adulthood and have only fairly recently started living apart. The holidays are a way of making up for the time they’re not spending together at home anymore I think.

SOxon · 23/04/2024 19:53

lemonmeringueno3 · 23/04/2024 19:21

"who picked up on the bald fact of this yearly jolly establishing itself once the younger sibling left home (to live with OP in case you missed that too)"

Yes, because they no longer lived under the same roof so established this annual ritual. It's one weekend a year.

exactly

Kangarude · 23/04/2024 19:56

pictoosh · 23/04/2024 19:35

I don't know why so many people think their partner is their property.

Exactly. It’s mind boggling how they manage with real life

ViaMargutta · 23/04/2024 19:58

Jesus, it's like a parallel universe here sometimes.

I have a brother, also younger than me, we're also very close and always been. Both with partners. I go on holidays with my brother, alone, with my friends, with the whole family without partners, the whole family with partners, or just with partner. It varies. But yea, we go somewhere just my brother and me at least once a year or more, if it's city breaks. And... (whispers) we've been to both Paris AND Italy..

Never in my whole life have I heard anyone saying we probs want to shag each other, it's not normal, covert incest (or whatever the hell), 'emotional affair' or some such shit. We're brother and sister, ffs, how is shagging even entering some peoples minds?

If my partner tried telling me our sibling holidays are abnormal, he'd go in the bin faster than he could utter 'Paris'. I have had plenty of relationships (and might have more in the future), but only one brother.

MirageAC · 23/04/2024 19:59

I am really close to my sister and talk nearly everyday. We do things together without our partners. If my OH told me I shouldn’t be seeing my sister, they would no longer be my partner. Remember they have been siblings all their lives and will share a bond that is different to yours. Stop comparing and go and book a holiday to go with your partner.

Trulyme · 23/04/2024 20:12

The types of trips she chooses, European Cruises, Paris, Italy - in my opinion make me feel uncomfortable.

I am very close to his family. This particular sister has always been standoffish. She chooses to not have a partner and I believe her brother fills that gap, in some respect. There is more to this story in relation to her behaviour towards me that also adds to my feelings!

Honestly OP this is not a healthy attitude to have.
If you do not sort out YOUR issues then this relationship is going to end.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with the type of holiday’s they go on - why is Paris or Italy inappropriate but another country wouldn’t be?

The fact that you feel she is using her brother as a replacement partner is weird and gross.

She is his sister.
She was there first and will always come before any new relationship.
If you can’t handle it, then you need to leave.

MFF2010 · 23/04/2024 20:13

I go away for a couple days with my brother every year, it's lovely to spend time together without partners and kids. No partners have ever had an issue with this. You sound jealous and controlling, it's really not odd, I know loads of siblings who holiday together.