SIL and BILs parenting style - is this okay or AIBU?

[shootingstar001]

Me and DH recently went on a short break with his sister and her husband.They have 2 children 2 and 5.

we live really far away so obviously we don’t see them super regularly but when we are all together we’ll do something with them for longer stretch of quality time like a trip or mini break.

we’ve both noticed before that they don’t seem to ever discipline their kids or say no - this is obviously a conscious choice they’ve made together. I’m aware that a ‘gentle parenting’ style is a bit more of modern choice but to me the complete lack of boundaries was really visible and really affected us and everyone around us. We both found it quite shocking especially in public settings like going for dinner etc. They seemed a bit oblivious but me and DH felt really tense by the end as there was always an ‘incident’ or two everyday. It did sort of ruin the end of the holiday.

Few of things that happened (sorry some of these are bit gross)

• Allowed their 2 yr old DS to wee in the shared villa pool
• Allowed 2 year old to poo in a public spaces (not in toilet)- pub garden/public park etc
• Allowed both kids to play a game throwing large rocks and pebbles at people walking by
• Their 2 year old is also going through a phase of punching - at one point wandering down some narrow packed touristy streets just windmilling around punching people walking by. BIL just stood passively and watched. The boy then had a massive crying tantrum when another tourist told him to stop. BIL comforted him about the ‘nasty man’
• Allowing 5 year DD to scream continuously in high pitched tone in restaurants (happened several times) - going through a phase of thinking it’s funny - both didn’t tell her to stop. DH did gently tell her a few times that we weren’t enjoying in perhaps other eating dinner might not like it either. Both parents said nothing.
• A lot of tantrums/fake crying - no intervention/words.

We never had kids so I’m really aware that I might not ‘get it’ - because of this we both feel that questioning someone parenting style might be a bit of a d**k move but it does really marr the time we spend with them.

Do we say something or just ride it out until the kids are a bit older and it’s everything is just a bit easier?

Really don’t want to damage my relationship with my SIL and BIL but also starting to dread family time with them. Advice please!

Yes 🤣🤣🤣TenQ
they really do walk amongst us 😳

I'm sorry, but that's piss-poor parenting. All of it.

And as for "Incidents like the rock throwing was super worrying but from their perspective, but in their heads they are approaching it from a place of 'just let them express themselves and figure it out themselves' and they aren't going to let their kids come to harm."

But to hell with everyone else who might get injured from their rock throwing, eh?

And to hell with everyone else who wants to use the pool. Or stumbles across his poo in a pub garden. Just gross behaviour.

They're not expressing themselves. They're being allowed to do what they want, when they want, and how they want and to hell with everyone else.

I wouldn't spend time with any of them again, frankly. And I really, really feel for their future teachers as they're going to be an absolute nightmare to have in a classroom.

Oh my goodness, I don't think you see the irony of how funny you are. 🤣

I read most of the thread but adviceaunt annoyed me so I didn’t finish.

@shootingstar001 you may not have children of your own but I believe that you have a much better understanding of acceptable and unacceptable behaviour than your in laws.
I would decline any invites in public for the next few years (although without any intervention it may only get worse).

It won’t be long before the kids start school, behaviour and rules will become a problem and then the parents will start pushing for an ADHD or an ASD assessment….

They sound like crap parents - children need clear boundaries set at an early age. It helps them fit into society & also teaches them respect. I'd tell your sister if I were you.

Your SIL and BIL sound disgusting and irresponsible.

Oh god. I have an adult cousin who grew up like this.

An only child, considerably rich parents, pampered and spoiled without belief. He was permitted to do whatever the hell he wanted. His parents were exactly like OP describes when he was little; when he was a teen he was allowed to skip school, drink, smoke, game all night, party a whole week, whatever. Plied with money, designer gear, holidays, all expenses always paid, everything covered.

The only reason he didn't grow up to be a monster is that he's intrinsically good-natured/not cruel. Not a bad man per se (31 now), but a show off, vapid and completely clueless. Parents bought him a house, flash sports car, cover all his expenses. Considerable, as he won't even make a sandwich for himself, he either orders or goes to a restaurant. When talking about minimal wage, he said it's shit and he would never work for that. He thought the amount is per day, not a month.

I feel sorry for him, tbh. Tons of money, but his life seems so empty. His only interests are shopping, insta, driving his car around, partying and gaming. No education, no job/occupation, no hobbies, no real friends. And the tragic thing is, his parents weren't abusive at all in a traditional sense, they did love him completely and still do. But at the same time, failed to parent him quite spectacularly.

”All those who don't believe children and adults don't wee in a pool are deluded ... it's wrong... but it happens”

Under what circumstances is it acceptable to see your child throwing rocks at people, and to do nothing, @adviceaunt?

An example of poor parenting at it's worst OP. I pity you totally 😮

The throwing stones 'game' I'd have said something strongly to. The screaming too. Sounds horrific.

My god, those kids are going to have a hell of a shock when they go to school.

Once more for the people at the back. This is one of those cases where it would be really helpful if MN allowed upvoting, or pinned posts, or updates to the OP.

Not normal no
pretty disgusting 🤢
I’m not sure saying anything would help or change them, they have obviously made some sort of conscious decision about not parenting it sounds odd and I think I’d just avoid them and hope the children will realise how disgusting it all is as they age, as their parents clearly don’t realise

Apologies - I quoted the wrong bit from the OP - what I meant to say is this -

”Allowed both kids to play a game throwing large rocks and pebbles at people walking by”

Under what circumstances is it acceptable to let your children carry on throwing rocks at people, @adviceaunt?

'Gentle parenting' does not include allowing children to endanger other people by throwing stones at them, or potentially spreading germs by weeing and pooing in public. Normally, I'd say that their parenting (or non-parenting) choices are their own business, but in this case they are endangering the public.

Piss poor parenting...Gotta love it (not!).

Literally piss-poor in this case!

As they are in laws you just need to see them less. If it were one of my siblings I’d have words - those words would be: if you let your child poo in a public place when you are out with me again, we won’t be seeing you socially.

I'm laughing at the notion of needing to have children to understand bad behaviour, and feral behaviour!

I would give these two as much space and distance as possible. Holidays will be even worst as the children get older and become more badly behaved without one ounce of correction or guidance.

Their poor (future) teachers.

This is not gentle parenting. It's permissive and lazy parenting.

Disgusting behaviour and def not "gentle" parenting, it's non-parenting.

You and your husband are better humans than I could ever hope to be, because I’d have left them in the streets and I’d tell them why.

I imagine they’re so useless because everyone pussyfoots around them and their offsprings. I actually feel sorry for the children, being lumped with such a useless pair ☹️.

Yeah we have a nephew whose parents have a similar style and like you we live some distance away so see them for extended periods. The last 12 years have been exhausting! A couple of years ago he deliberately headbutted my DH after DH had told him off for misbehaving. According to my in-laws he’s improved since starting high school but we’re not in a hurry to find out for ourselves.

I've been in this sort of situation and by the time their oldest was about 11 I called it quits on situation. I had broached the subject tentatively on a couple of occasions in previous years but always fell on deaf ears and lots of excusing their behaviour. They'd gotten bigger, stronger and ruder. My own child was becoming shocked by their kids behaviour and it felt like a debrief on our drive home trying to explain the bad behaviour. Never any consequences in all those years that I seen and couple of violent incidents as big and strong so I called time on the situation. I did suggest meeting without kids but that made me seem difficult aswell. So had to part ways sadly. Sorry you find yourself in this type of situation.