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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL and BILs parenting style - is this okay or AIBU?

328 replies

shootingstar001 · 23/04/2024 11:39

Me and DH recently went on a short break with his sister and her husband.They have 2 children 2 and 5.

we live really far away so obviously we don’t see them super regularly but when we are all together we’ll do something with them for longer stretch of quality time like a trip or mini break.

we’ve both noticed before that they don’t seem to ever discipline their kids or say no - this is obviously a conscious choice they’ve made together. I’m aware that a ‘gentle parenting’ style is a bit more of modern choice but to me the complete lack of boundaries was really visible and really affected us and everyone around us. We both found it quite shocking especially in public settings like going for dinner etc. They seemed a bit oblivious but me and DH felt really tense by the end as there was always an ‘incident’ or two everyday. It did sort of ruin the end of the holiday.

Few of things that happened (sorry some of these are bit gross)

  • Allowed their 2 yr old DS to wee in the shared villa pool
  • Allowed 2 year old to poo in a public spaces (not in toilet)- pub garden/public park etc
  • Allowed both kids to play a game throwing large rocks and pebbles at people walking by
  • Their 2 year old is also going through a phase of punching - at one point wandering down some narrow packed touristy streets just windmilling around punching people walking by. BIL just stood passively and watched. The boy then had a massive crying tantrum when another tourist told him to stop. BIL comforted him about the ‘nasty man’
  • Allowing 5 year DD to scream continuously in high pitched tone in restaurants (happened several times) - going through a phase of thinking it’s funny - both didn’t tell her to stop. DH did gently tell her a few times that we weren’t enjoying in perhaps other eating dinner might not like it either. Both parents said nothing.
  • A lot of tantrums/fake crying - no intervention/words.

We never had kids so I’m really aware that I might not ‘get it’ - because of this we both feel that questioning someone parenting style might be a bit of a d**k move but it does really marr the time we spend with them.

Do we say something or just ride it out until the kids are a bit older and it’s everything is just a bit easier?

Really don’t want to damage my relationship with my SIL and BIL but also starting to dread family time with them. Advice please!

OP posts:
Isometimeswonder · 23/04/2024 20:24

I think adviceaunt has spelt her name wrong. Should be a c not an a.

Noyesnoyes · 23/04/2024 20:28

Isometimeswonder · 23/04/2024 20:24

I think adviceaunt has spelt her name wrong. Should be a c not an a.

GrinGrinGrin

Nanaof1 · 23/04/2024 20:30

adviceaunt · 23/04/2024 12:18

@shootingstar001 i see you still havent told us the age of this child... are there other factors at play? does the child have any special needs?

i'll leave you all too your perfect parenting

How can you miss the ages of the children, as it's been mentioned more than once? Too busy coming up with insults for the OP or lack of reading comprehension?

I think someone needs attention and it isn't the OP or any other posters except the one @adviceaunt sees in the mirror.

I have rarely read such incredible, inaccurate, bull crap in my life.

Nanaof1 · 23/04/2024 20:36

adviceaunt · 23/04/2024 12:09

just because i can see a different side to everyone else... its not easy taking kids on holiday and having judgey non parents scowling.

every has simply taken the OP at their word... this must now be law.. what is written is true..

its hilarious that some people simply cannot accept that the OP may have used poetic license to get everyone on side and if someone disagrees with OP then they must be dragged into the streets and burned like a witch

Show quote history

So, do you go on every, single post and "see the other side"?

I mean, a man abuses his DW/DP and she comes here for advice and a hand-hold, do you ask what she might have done first?

Please, get over yourself. The rest of us have. 🙄

Beautiful3 · 23/04/2024 20:43

They sound lazy because they're not parenting at all. Those kids are going to grow into horrible teenagers, you mark my worlds.

WalkingaroundJardine · 23/04/2024 20:53

It’s the reverse of gentle parenting - cruel parenting actually because no one will want to be around people who have not been any given boundaries as children. Life will likely be challenging for them - poor kids.

JudgeJ · 23/04/2024 21:07

Their 2 year old is also going through a phase of punching - at one point wandering down some narrow packed touristy streets just windmilling around punching people walking by. BIL just stood passively and watched. The boy then had a massive crying tantrum when another tourist told him to stop. BIL comforted him about the ‘nasty man’

I suppose when someone does more than tell him to stop, maybe punch him back, it will all be the 'nasty' person's fault too, suddenly they will morph into concerned parents.

Always remember, 'gentle' is 6/7ths of 'neglect'.

Mistredd · 23/04/2024 21:08

Sounds a nightmare. I consider myself to be a pretty gentle parent and have an autistic child and I would have obviously intervened if my child is most of those things. The wee/poo thing could be explained by being unexpected and urgent so they made the best of a bad situation. But the other stuff they should have intervened.

Having said all that NOTHING good has ever come of bringing up your thoughts, however gently, on how someone else parents their child. My best advice is keep your thoughts to yourself and manage your time with them to make it less annoying or try to see your sister for a day out every now and again without the kids.

JudgeJ · 23/04/2024 21:12

while there are 2 sides to every story, im going to guess the fact you do not have children shines through here.... parents normally, but there are ofcourse expecptions allow all of this... but sometimes it happens

Here comes the excuses squadron or maybe the non-parents! Make excuses now and they'll be making excuses forever and heaven forbid a school doesn't tolerate this brattish behaviour from either the 'parents' or the sprog.

mumedu · 23/04/2024 21:14

Feral. They are going to really struggle at nursery and school if they haven't learnt the basics. This is terrible parenting and it is doing the kids a huge disservice.

JudgeJ · 23/04/2024 21:22

all of the comments so far are hilarious... litterally you have taken the OP at her word. there is no scope for another interpretation of events.

Isn't that what MN always does, take the word of one side? Maybe all those awful husbands one reads about would have a different version of events, MN is hardly Crown Court.

SapphireSeptember · 23/04/2024 21:23

Sharontheodopolodous · 23/04/2024 15:22

I used to have a friend who was like this

At the time,we where both single mums and had known each other for years

Her ds was the same age as my no3 child

He was a bloody terror-he would bite another child
'Don't bite sweetie!kind teeth!'
He'd thump another child
'Kind hands darling!'
He'd smash something of another child
'I didn't see him do it' or 'don't do that baby boy'
Scream at the top of your lungs?she'd ignore him until it got too much even for her 'shhhh sweetheart'
Piss on the floor?(aiming at people as you pissed)
'The rain will wash that away' and 'it'll wash off your shoes/trousers/tights/socks'

The kids grew up and he got worse (we barely saw them by this time-but the last time i saw them,id been summoned to go to his younger sisters birthday)

He was about 12/13 at this time

I was standing on the doorstep,having rang the bell and was waiting for her to answer

He leaned out of her bedroom window and spat at me-it hit me in my face and hair

She answered and I explained what he'd done

She turned round (the stairs where behind her) 'have you been upstairs and spat at Sharon?'

He was standing at the top of the stairs,smirking at us

'no,i havent been upstairs'

And she turned and walked away-no bollocking,no telling off,nothing-im standing there,covered in spit watching her walk away from me

I just put the present and card down and walked away-ive not seen her since

Don't get me wrong,I'm far from a perfect parent but there is no way mine would have got away with half of what he got away with (Oddly,she's really strict with her dds)

Hit someone?you will be removed
Bite someone-ditto
Scream and scream for fun?you got told once,and then removed
Break something because you find it funny?you'll replace it with your pocket money
Piss on the floor,holding yourself and laughing while trying to spray as many pairs of shoes as you can?God help you-i would have gone mental and you would have been grounded for a week

All have grown up to be lovely adults who all have good jobs/at uni and are lovely company and are respectful-not perfect,but who is?

(in spite of me being their mother with all my faults in life)

He's now a violent adult who sits around smoking weed,refuses to get a job and she tip-toes round him,insisting he's just 'misunderstood' and she just throws money at him or he thumps her (his grandparents are the same-they throw money at him but don't pull him up on his behaviour either)

You reap what you sew

He hits his mum? Bloody hell. How did her DDs turn out? I often wonder at parents that treat girls differently to boys and allow the boys to get away with murder. Makes me cross.

Lifeomars · 23/04/2024 21:28

paristotokyo · 23/04/2024 11:47

Throwing stones at strangers? Yeah, none of that is acceptable. Seems they aren't parenting at all.

That was the worst bit, they could cause some serious harm. That should have been nipped in the bud immediately

StaunchMomma · 23/04/2024 21:28

There's no parenting going on to even criticise!

They sound like shit, lazy parents, OP.

They'll pay for it when their kids turn out to be utterly feral.

CarpetSlipper · 23/04/2024 21:29

Sounds like an absolute nightmare and they are doing their kids no favours.

I parent in a “gentle” manner, don’t use punishments/shout etc. I have always taught my children to be mindful of others and of the consequences of their actions.

They are absolutely shit parents and act like they’re the only people in the world.

Bowies · 23/04/2024 21:49

This is lack of parenting bordering on neglect, they sound extremely immature.

Runnerinthenight · 23/04/2024 22:10

adviceaunt · 23/04/2024 11:51

i wonder how much of this behaviour was more your interpretation of what happened.

weeing in the swimming pool... did you over hear mum and dad say 'its ok jimmy just pee in the pool' or ws it a case of jimmy announcing 'ive just wee'd in the pool' and mum and dad did not tell him off (at 2 years old they are barely potty trainined).

would need more information on poo'ing in a car park... as in did they just drop and squat and shit.. did mum and dad say, just take a dump there lad you'll be ok, or was it a case of 'mummy i've poo'd' and the parents have not told them off?

allowing them to throw stones at people passing, as in here ya go jimy he's a good rock.. see who you can hit or jimmy was throwing stones and mum and did didn't immediately give them a punch?

punching? you said his arms were windmilling... thats a toddler with lots of energy letting off steam probably accidently cathing passing tourists...

kids scream... its not about being allowed to scream.. its what they do. boring aunty and uncle were being all adult and they wanted attention.

fake crying... again boring aunty and uncle wanting mummy and daddy to be all grown up.

while there are 2 sides to every story, im going to guess the fact you do not have children shines through here.... parents normally, but there are ofcourse expecptions allow all of this... but sometimes it happens

There's so much wrong with this that I wouldn't know where to start.

These children are feral and I wouldn't want to be seen with them!

fruitbrewhaha · 23/04/2024 22:12

Fuck that, and it’s not going to get better. By the time they are teenagers they will be absolute dicks.

Needtofixmyageingskin · 23/04/2024 22:15

Sounds awful! My two boys are pretty much same age and NO WAY would they be allowed to do these things. A 2 year old weeing in a pool could be an accident though...I don't think my nearly 2 year old would understand that.
Allowing them to punch random ppl...absolutely not. There's gentle parenting then there's an absolute lack of parenting 🤔. Children shouldn't be inflicted on others!

Runnerinthenight · 23/04/2024 22:18

adviceaunt · 23/04/2024 12:42

all of the comments so far are hilarious... litterally you have taken the OP at her word. there is no scope for another interpretation of events.

if this post had come from an actual parent i would have been a little more forgiving, but this is a non-parents perception and description (remember we were not there so we do not know what actually did happen its only what the OP has seen) and everyone is coming for me because i have not said

this is disgusting behaviour, social services must be contacted immediately and these children should be removed to a safe environment!

give your heads a shake...

What a load of actual tripe!

Spot the poster with her own feral kids!

Noseybookworm · 23/04/2024 22:27

Don't tiptoe around them and worry about hurting their feelings, they obviously aren't worried about yours! Tell them straight - their children's behaviour is unacceptable and they need to actually parent and discipline their children. That until they get a grip you will not be going out in public with them again. They are doing their children no favours by allowing them to behave in this way. The children will be disliked and avoided by other children/parents. What your BIL and SIL are doing is actually cruel and lazy.

Dis626 · 23/04/2024 22:45

That's not a parenting style. That's not bothering parenting at all.

cherish123 · 23/04/2024 22:51

Yanbu
Very bad and lazy parenting

Tourmalines · 23/04/2024 22:54

Isometimeswonder · 23/04/2024 20:24

I think adviceaunt has spelt her name wrong. Should be a c not an a.

yep, hope she doesn’t run a column in any newspaper. 🤣🤣