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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My ex husband will not collect the kids from school on his days - what can I actually do?!

175 replies

Pleasegotobed · 22/04/2024 21:41

It was an abusive relationship with coercive control. I’ve been doing all the school runs and dropping the kids to him on his days for a while because he threatened to withdraw my youngest from school without my consent / not collect him and at the time I could so it was just easier. But I’m starting a job soon (have been studying) so it just won’t be possible.

We don’t have 50/50 atm - they’re with me more. I’ve offered to change days if that helps but he won’t agree. He won’t agree that they stay with me more, he wants them dropped to him. Gave him over a months notice and he still just left them at school last week and then issued a sio citing that I am abusing the kids by not collecting them for him. Bizarrely he is also taking me to court for 50/50 at the same time…

Im planning to collect them and bring them to me so he has to pick them up but then he’ll just use me as free after school childcare won’t he?! But i can’t just leave them at school… I really don’t know what to do!

OP posts:
Icanseethebeach · 22/04/2024 21:42

Are the current days court ordered?

IhateJan22 · 22/04/2024 21:44

If it’s going to court it’s probably best to bring it up there but I’d do you best not to allow him control. Easier said than done but if you have to put them in afterschool club do it but don’t give him and inclination it’s bothering you. Then get it all wrote down and court ordered that he has to pick them up or arrange afterschool club then pick them up.

Answersunknown · 22/04/2024 21:45

Leave them at school, repeatedly tell school it’s their dads day in advance and at the time.
let it go to court and then get the access reduced.

orangeleopard · 22/04/2024 21:53

My ex is similar. He has our child every other weekend Friday -Sunday. It’s supposed to be him picking our child up from school but he refused point blank to do so, so I have to pick our child up and wait around until 5/6/7pm until he messages to say he’s home from work. I have brought it up so many times to pick our child up from school and he uses the excuse of ‘I can’t leave work early’. So it falls on me to do so. He also refuses to pay for childcare (at any point) so I’m at a loss for money regardless.

also, I feel for you op. My ex was also abusive and it’s exhausting dealing with men like this when you have kids and you cannot escape from it. Everything they do is a means to still control you and your life and everything in their head is the best interest of them and not their children.

endofthelinefinally · 22/04/2024 21:54

I agree with pp to speak to school. You actually need to speak to the safeguarding lead. Has it been agreed that he picks them up from school on his days? Is it in the contact arrangement?
I assume that if he doesn't collect them, school can refer to social services.

rwalker · 22/04/2024 22:01

Inform school exactly who’s day is who’s
and make it clear to him you will not collect in his days

as horrendously shit as it is it’s an absolute gift if he’s going to court for more access hardly shows him acting in children’s best interest

Icantremembermyusername · 22/04/2024 22:01

It’s such a pain, isn’t it?
All through junior school Ex wanted to have dc over for a few hours once a week but apparently couldn’t pick them up from school on time. I paid for after school club. Sometimes they were there 15 minutes. Sometimes an hour but I knew they were being looked after and it gave me one afternoon a week I knew I didn’t need to dash around like a crazy creature!
He still tries to insist that I take DC to him even now they are at high school but I refuse. You want to see them, pick them up! I do / did all the ferrying about for school / after school activities/ meet ups. I’m not his fucking taxi service as well!

Codlingmoths · 22/04/2024 22:04

If the days aren’t court ordered, tell him if you collect them they stay at yours.
collect the kids, and lock the door and have a friend, or take them to your mums for dinner. Have a ring doorbell. It should help with the court application for 50/50 too.
change the maintenance claim if he doesn’t start collecting them after two weeks.

wafflesmgee · 22/04/2024 22:06

Ask the school to record every time he doesn't pick up and use this at court as.evidence against his parenting ability.
Not picking children up regularly is a safeguarding issue.
On his days, inform the school to call Him and him only. Don't pick up your phone till after 5pm to ensure they record it.

Original poster
Pleasegotobed · 22/04/2024 22:07

Current days are by agreement but written into a child arrangements order if that makes sense.. so ordered by agreement.

ive spoken to school, the head was great. Really supportive, calls him first when it’s his days and he doesn’t pick up. He apparently point blank refused so she called me and I went because what actually is the alternative?

Technically I’m pretty sure the court order says “from school” which I think implies he should be picking up but I’d need to double check the wording. It’s definitely not explicit. It’s not back in court for the final hearing until July so no chance of changing contact until then unless his SIO is heard sooner…

OP posts:
BedknobsNoBroomsticks · 22/04/2024 22:13

Agree with others.

This will not look good in court. How is he going to manage 50/50 when he can't manage as it is?

Scarletttulips · 22/04/2024 22:13

Then you work in the principle he’s not going to collect and arrange after school care.

He can then collect from there. Now you are working you can claim childcare allowance for after school care.

Give him the details and leave it up to him. Stop being a martyr and you do you.

Im sure school can give plenty of evidence if his parental responsibility and lack of picking up the children. You are due it’s unfair on the child to be left hanging around and upset and not knowing where they are going and why he hasn’t picked him up again.

Original poster
Pleasegotobed · 22/04/2024 22:18

After school care not that easy - we are quite rural. My elder ones are in secondary and no after school clubs or buses to where we live. Younger one has free asc but only til 4.30 and typically not on the one night a week he has them..

the money isn’t even the issue- I’d gladly suck up the cost if he wouldn’t pay it so they were sorted but an easy solution doesn’t really seem available.

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 22/04/2024 22:21

This isn’t about the arrangements so stop trying to accommodate him.

He is using school pick ups to control you. And he has you running around after him.

You need to start doing what you would do if he wasn’t in control…not picking the kids up.

Let him know you won’t be doing his pick ups anymore and then let the school know to call him if he’s late. It may be confusing for the kids, but you need to get this piece of shit to respect your boundaries.

When the kids are old enough to understand, they’ll be proud of you x

Scarletttulips · 22/04/2024 22:22

Then you need to find a child-minder - who collects from school now? There must be some who do so. You need to speak to other parents and see if there’s any realistic way of having him looked after.

Can the older children collect? College student? Try FB posts. There will be childminders available.

Just write him out of the equation.

Sprinkles211 · 22/04/2024 22:23

I'd be planning on reducing contact he can't be trusted to collect them, so they are only available on a Saturday night or school holidays. Inform him that his child maintenance will be adjusted accordingly.

SilkFloss · 22/04/2024 22:39

Who the hell does this dude think he is, playing the great "you will do my bidding" shite?
Stop jumping when he pulls your chain.

fashionqueen1183 · 22/04/2024 22:44

Sounds like he wants 50/50 to avoid paying maintenance

saraclara · 22/04/2024 22:53

Let him know you won’t be doing his pick ups anymore and then let the school know to call him if he’s late. It may be confusing for the kids, but you need to get this piece of shit to respect your boundaries.

@StormingNorman , It won't just be confusing for the kids.
If a child isn't picked up from school within a certain period of time, we have to call social services. They pick the kids up and take them to a day centre.

I wouldn't put my kids through that to prove a point.

ToryHater · 22/04/2024 22:57

Answersunknown · 22/04/2024 21:45

Leave them at school, repeatedly tell school it’s their dads day in advance and at the time.
let it go to court and then get the access reduced.

Don't do this! what a horrible suggestion- I hope you aren't a parent!. Poor kids!

Evilspiritgin · 22/04/2024 23:04

Can you send a message saying that if he won't pick them up from school as per agreement that you assume that he doesn't want them so you will take them home, especially if school has tried to get hold of him

my god some med and women can be such arses, especially when it comes to children

JanglyBeads · 22/04/2024 23:15

Yeah no decent mother is going to stand by, refusing to answer school calling, and allow her kids to be handed over to social services (who would then record it as abandonment by both parents!).

So the alternative is to write to him making it clear that if you pick them up they are staying with you. Although how would the kids react if he turned up shouting the odds?

StormingNorman · 22/04/2024 23:41

saraclara · 22/04/2024 22:53

Let him know you won’t be doing his pick ups anymore and then let the school know to call him if he’s late. It may be confusing for the kids, but you need to get this piece of shit to respect your boundaries.

@StormingNorman , It won't just be confusing for the kids.
If a child isn't picked up from school within a certain period of time, we have to call social services. They pick the kids up and take them to a day centre.

I wouldn't put my kids through that to prove a point.

Obviously don’t leave them indefinitely. Leave them until the last minute, pick them up and take them home rather than to dads. The OP’s abusive and controlling ex is still co trolling the family. That needs to stop.

It’s not to prove a point. It is about stopping the abuse.

StormingNorman · 22/04/2024 23:44

JanglyBeads · 22/04/2024 23:15

Yeah no decent mother is going to stand by, refusing to answer school calling, and allow her kids to be handed over to social services (who would then record it as abandonment by both parents!).

So the alternative is to write to him making it clear that if you pick them up they are staying with you. Although how would the kids react if he turned up shouting the odds?

I expect they’ll be used to it and respect their mother for standing up for them.

Snugglemonkey · 22/04/2024 23:48

wafflesmgee · 22/04/2024 22:06

Ask the school to record every time he doesn't pick up and use this at court as.evidence against his parenting ability.
Not picking children up regularly is a safeguarding issue.
On his days, inform the school to call Him and him only. Don't pick up your phone till after 5pm to ensure they record it.

Not him only. So op can track it. And then challenge it.

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